Leaving DH out on Christmas eve

[MerryLiftMass]

DH is working Christmas eve until 6.30, home for 7ish. I am also working Christmas eve but finish at the latest 1pm, probably a bit earlier.

I mentioned that I might take the kids to the cinema to watch the new Moana film in the afternoon, for context the kids are all teenagers but Moana is their favourite Disney film and it's rare we are all together these days with the eldest two being in Uni.

DH (Step-Dad of the children) was really put out that we were going to go without him. He said it's a family trip and we are just leaving him out. He was actually quite hurt about it.

I thought there is no point us all missing out just because he has to work. There is no way he would go after work because he is very rigid (he is autistic, not diagnosed but clear as day, he doesn't like to change from routine) and wouldn't want to be getting back from the cinema so late and wouldn't have chance to have dinner as the later showing is at 7.30.

So was I being unreasonable to think we could go without him?

Just for clarity, we have decided to go on boxing day when we can all go and I will do some festive baking and board games with the teens on Christmas eve so we have already reached a compromise, I just wanted to sense check if I was being mean.

WTF is with these grown men wanting to watch Moana?

Its a film.... why not?

He sounds a kill joy. He should have booked the afternoon off if he was that bothered.

Not sure why you even felt the need to mention it to him. I'd have just booked and taken the kids and told him what you'd been up to when he got home from work in the evening. Not to be deceitful/underhand, but because a trip to the cinema is such a non-event that it really wouldn't warrant more of a mention than that.

I checked in with DH would he feel left out, he said he would

It wouldn’t cross my mind to ask my if he would feel left out. Good grief, I’m sure he could have managed at home himself for an hour or two what a man child.

It's a family film by definition, I'm unsure of the issue?

@HermoinePotter do you not ask whether your partner would like to join a family outing before you book it?

Blimey, I'm not one to defend men usually (understatement of the year) but on this occasion I think the bloke genuinely wanted to be part of the festive outing. It's not that "out there" is it. OP says he's a great step dad to 3 kids and she has a happy marriage. If it was a mum feeling a bit sad at missing out and asking if it could be rearranged (which it could quite easily), I wonder whether the Mumsnet pile on would be full of the same vitriol.

We always tell each other how we plan to spend our day, not in a controlling way but just during normal conversation. I ask my kids that are away from home if they have plans etc, it's just chatty.

That was my first thought !! My DH would say thank god I don’t need to go!!

Aren’t you allowed to do things with your kids without him? I do loads with my girls without DH and so does he. We do plenty as a family but also have our own likes/time with each other.

@PastaAndProse have you got sociable uni kids? Having a family trip out with DS this holiday is a bit of a novelty. He is either working or meeting up with mates, so finding a time in our calendar when everyone is free is quite challenging (he is working in hospitality all over Christmas so we don’t even get Christmas Day with him)

@LisaD1 OP says she does do things separately with the kids, it’s just that he wanted the chance to all go out together

Presumably not if you know they're already working?

I think the answer is, they would not. They'd tell the OP they were perfectly reasonable for wanting to be included, no doubt.

Out of context I don’t see this as particularly controlling,
if he wants to see it too and it works just as well to go on Boxing Day when everyone can come, that it sounds fair enough that he said he was sad to miss out and would like to come too.

@PastaAndProse but if there were 2 days available for the outing, one your partner could do and one they couldn’t, wouldn’t you check with them before booking?

I am a Dad who opted out of seeing Moana with the family, but really appreciate that I was asked. Honestly, we would find it a bit odd to organise an activity with the children without checking with the other if they wanted to join in - even if we knew full well that they wouldn't. It's just common courtesy.

I did check before booking, which is how we ended up changing the day.

I had just assumed he wouldn't be bothered about missing out on this as I have taken the kids to see films before without him, it's never been an issue. I wouldn't have booked a pantomime for example or go-karting without him, I just didn't think this film was a big event.

Thanks for all the opinions, it's been eyeopening for sure!

So he wants you all to sit at home and wait for him to get home from work? That's really odd and not OK.

Wow and you’re certainly lovely aren’t you. Merry fucking Christmas.

For a cinema trip? No, honestly.

That's a bit strange. I wouldn't excuse him because of his supposed autism. My husband was diagnosed as a child. He would be pleased we'd have something nice to do whilst he was still at work!

No…they’re doing some festive baking and board games.

He needs to grow up. And you should still take your kids to the cinema - don't you dare change your plans to appease his ridiculous tantrum.