Leaving DH out on Christmas eve

[MerryLiftMass]

DH is working Christmas eve until 6.30, home for 7ish. I am also working Christmas eve but finish at the latest 1pm, probably a bit earlier.

I mentioned that I might take the kids to the cinema to watch the new Moana film in the afternoon, for context the kids are all teenagers but Moana is their favourite Disney film and it's rare we are all together these days with the eldest two being in Uni.

DH (Step-Dad of the children) was really put out that we were going to go without him. He said it's a family trip and we are just leaving him out. He was actually quite hurt about it.

I thought there is no point us all missing out just because he has to work. There is no way he would go after work because he is very rigid (he is autistic, not diagnosed but clear as day, he doesn't like to change from routine) and wouldn't want to be getting back from the cinema so late and wouldn't have chance to have dinner as the later showing is at 7.30.

So was I being unreasonable to think we could go without him?

Just for clarity, we have decided to go on boxing day when we can all go and I will do some festive baking and board games with the teens on Christmas eve so we have already reached a compromise, I just wanted to sense check if I was being mean.

He can't go on Christmas Eve afternoon, but he won't go on Christmas Eve in the evening.

He has guilted them into not going out without him though. Why can’t they go out Xmas eve and do something all together Boxing Day? It shouldn’t have to be with him or not at all.

Do people make reasonable allowances for children with autism? You don’t grow out of it

Of course, crumbling, but that doesn't mean always putting them first.

sorry to divert but does anyone know if we are able to edit our posts on this app? or are we only able to via the main website?

I think if it was a case that he was really into Moana and particularly wanted to come along for that film, it's reasonable to see it on a day he can make.

But it sounds like he doesn't want you to do any activities without him, and that's weird, controlling and not very nice.

This. Always good to compromise. Mufasa is out today OP.

Wow, so many of you are mean as hell!

It's Christmas Eve, the man has said he wants to be involved with a trip to the cinema. I genuinely pity the husbands of some of you.

I mean, it's very normal for not all the family to be involved in every activity. Surely you do stuff without the eldest while they're at uni?
If he was upset about coming back to an empty house on Christmas Eve, or the film would somehow mean he had to eat alone that night, I get that and would say it's lovely that he wants the holiday to be a family thing and it was right to rearrange to maximise time together. But if you'd have been back by 7ish anyway and he just didn't want you doing something without him that's not good, why should you all have to delay the start of festive activities? That's also nothing to do with autism, because what you and the kids do while he's at work has zero impact on his routine.

How is wanting to spending some time with family controlling?

🤣👏

Mind blowing, isn't it. A real insight to the minds of others and the truly bizarre ways some people interpret innocuous every day relationship occurrences!

I'm on the app and I've never figured out how to edit on here, if that helps.

while of course you and your adult childen/teens can do what you like when DH works, i think if he was part of the Moana love that it was a bit mean/thoughtless to plan to all go together at a time he couldn't go. I would have checked if he wanted to come before planning a time.

If you had no idea he would want to go, then he was being a bit daft.

@Stompythedinosaur doesn’t sound like that at all, OP says she does do activities without him. But with uni kids at home, and I assume doing their own thing a lot of the time (we are lucky if we get a couple of hours with our uni aged DS and that is usually meal times!) he obviously wanted to be involved with a trip the rest of the family are doing

I didn’t think he would be bothered about missing Moana, I didn’t realise he liked it so much. It’s my older two that really love it.

I hadn’t mentioned anything to the kids about going so it’s not like I planned it further than oh I think it would be nice to go see Moana on Christmas Eve, so it was planned in my mind. As I went to book the tickets I checked in with DH would he feel left out, he said he would and I booked it for Boxing Day when we could all go.

Not much in the way of planning required for a cinema trip really.

No one is hating men. I just can’t see why a mum can’t go to the cinema with her two adult daughters because her other half says he would feel left out. That’s ridiculous.

@dreamer24
Thanks... maybe it's a 'premium' feature

Don't be daft. He's a hands-on step dad that wants to do family things as a family

He sounds nice. I bet you wouldn’t get this reaction if a stepmum posted about feeling upset about being left out of a family activity. I’d make more of an effort to ensure that he is included in stuff. It sounds like he’s really good with your kids - lots of stepparents don’t give a shit and aren’t genuinely interested in them.

Because people are calling him all sorts when the poor man hasn’t done anything expect want to spend some time with his family. If you seriously can’t see that then you must just be horrible.

I think your mistake was not just telling him that you were going. Fait accompli. Don't ask. It is a ridiculous that a grown man can make it all about him and make such a fuss and be so controlling. A real father would just be happy for his children.

"Poor man"....honestly the man has begrudged his family going and doing something nice Christmas eve because he can't come too....surely the poor man could put his emotions aside and ensure that the kids are having a nice time even if he can't.

If it was an adult film or a meal out fair enough but Moana?

I've told my kids to see that with friends.

I'm autistic too. Hate this self diagnosis.