Leaving DH out on Christmas eve

[MerryLiftMass]

DH is working Christmas eve until 6.30, home for 7ish. I am also working Christmas eve but finish at the latest 1pm, probably a bit earlier.

I mentioned that I might take the kids to the cinema to watch the new Moana film in the afternoon, for context the kids are all teenagers but Moana is their favourite Disney film and it's rare we are all together these days with the eldest two being in Uni.

DH (Step-Dad of the children) was really put out that we were going to go without him. He said it's a family trip and we are just leaving him out. He was actually quite hurt about it.

I thought there is no point us all missing out just because he has to work. There is no way he would go after work because he is very rigid (he is autistic, not diagnosed but clear as day, he doesn't like to change from routine) and wouldn't want to be getting back from the cinema so late and wouldn't have chance to have dinner as the later showing is at 7.30.

So was I being unreasonable to think we could go without him?

Just for clarity, we have decided to go on boxing day when we can all go and I will do some festive baking and board games with the teens on Christmas eve so we have already reached a compromise, I just wanted to sense check if I was being mean.

Pretty much this! Sounds lovely to me ☺️

@MerryLiftMass ah your update is great to read OP! As suspected then, just a healthy relationship with a discussion needed to reach a compromise. Hope you all enjoy Moana!

Presumably you'd be doing other outings as a family over Christmas time?
Taking kids to cinema whilst dad's at work is totally normal. Christmas eve is a fun day, it's not their fault he's working.

Hardly. He wants to spend time as a family. Men can’t win. It’s not a hardship going two days later.

they aren't children, they're all teens and two are over 18 and at university.

Exactly what I was thinking... you just can’t win.

Want to do things with children? You’re controlling, insecure.

Don’t want to? You’re selfish, uncaring, or just a complete a**hole.

Honestly, sometimes it feels like some people are just determined to find a problem no matter what. Maybe they’re the one who should stay single forever—because they always seem to find fault in everything 😑😑😑

It's probably not really about the cinema is it? I'm a step mother and can get a bit touchy around Christmas for a variety of reasons, - most of them to do with being away from my family but some of it is step parent related.

Or it might be about something else entirely.

You should absolutely go to the cinema...but ....maybe have a chat too.

@mammaCh as 2 are uni age, chances are family outings maybe rare. DS is home from uni, he is mainly catching up with friends, working (including Christmas Eve and Christmas Day) or lurking in his bedroom!

With autism it's all about setting expectations. Maybe he had it in his head he was looking forward to finishing work and coming home to spend time with you all and instead you had booked something that meant he would be coming home to an empty house on Christmas eve and that upset him. He does sound sensitive for sure but maybe he had a different expectation for Christmas eve. I think the Boxing day idea is better as it includes him. I don't find it that strange to be honest. To me it suggests a sensitivity on his part to not being included/considered and perhaps on your side, you thought it fine to exclude him as he's not their real father, as you pointed out. Maybe that's kinda what he's hurt by too.

Jesus there are some right men haters on here it really is pathetic.

I think going on Boxing day is a good compromise, and something to look forward to after Christmas Day itself. Nobody suffers, everyone's happy, I don't know why people are grumbling!

I think he has taken on a family of kids - and actually regards them as family so much he wants to do family things with them? Too bloody right you compromise.

Where are all the "grandparents must love step-children as their own" here? Surely it applies here but the other way round?

I agree actually

ffs they are adults and they have alternatives planned, why bother posting if you wont read the op?

That's normal family life though. Life doesnt end because someones at work. My husband gets home around bedtime most nights. My kids are much smaller than yours. He misses games night and movie night. In the school holidays he misses the day trips to the zoo, museums and theme parks. It's not a fun barrel of laughs for me either because it's bloody hard work entertaining kids alone. You aren't excluding him nor have you planned it while he's working in order to exclude him. Life goes on.

This, I voted YANBU but reading your update it doesn't actually sound like he's being controlling - more that he just really wants to go to the cinema with you and is pissed off with his job/working shifts.

If he's not generally controlling I'd cut him some slack here. I can actually see my dh being miffed if I took the dc's to the cinema over Christmas and he couldn't come bc he genuinely loves doing things as a family and would want to join us.

That certainly doesn't mean you should all sit around doing nothing if you want to get out on Christmas Eve though - go and have a walk and get a hot chocolate or something.

I wouldn’t have wanted to be left out but Christmas Eve is the most special day of the year to me, more so than Christmas Day.

You can refer to a person’s sons and daughters as children regardless of their age.

How utterly controlling. I have one adult son I raised alone (had to flee DV). Never would someone tell me what, where or when I could do something with my child.

I think he's being a complete tit.

It's nice that he wants to be part of family stuff, obviously, but not nice that he can't handle other people enjoying themselves without him.

There is no way he would go after work because he is very rigid (he is autistic, not diagnosed but clear as day, he doesn't like to change from routine) and wouldn't want to be getting back from the cinema so late and wouldn't have chance to have dinner as the later showing is at 7.30

You do not have to plan your lives around your husband's foibles, whether they are down to autism or not.

Is he part of the family love of Moana? In which case, yes, I actually can see his point. I'm nearly 50 - I'd be hurt if my sister went to see a Star Trek movie without at least inviting me as that has been our family's thing since we were little. In fact, at least one star trek movie we all put off seeing because our brother was goign to be in town so we all went together a few weeks after it opened.

If it's a you-and-the-kids-thing only, he's being ridiculous.

Apologies that I haven't read the whole thread.

Well, he didn't. He just said he was put out that they were doing a family thing without him. Something that could easily be done 2 days later

@dontcryformeargentina I think that post was probably aimed at the what do you expect the kids to do sitting at home getting all ramped up about Christmas, when they are teens/adults and are more likely to roll their eyes when you talk about the magic of Christmas

I understand him wanting to go with you but has work commitments, but that shouldn’t stop you going without him and then do something else Boxing Day as a family. He shouldn’t begrudge you doing things without him whilst he’s at work. Yes I’ve read op’s update but I still think he sounds selfish.

@MerryLiftMass
OMG men just can't win, if they show no interest they are useless pricks so ppl say LTB
if they show interest that they would love to be doing a family activity together they give ppl the 'ick' or get called 'manchild' or worse 🤷‍♀️
OP i think it's lovely that their stepdad actually wants to be included in your lives enough to be able to voice his opinion
Mumsnetters you really need to look at your own relationships if you think this man is the unreasonable one.
OP's husband has not demanded or thrown his toys out his pram or said "you shouldn't go" he has simply voiced the fact he feels a bit like an outsider as he cannot be involved, which u think is admirable.
OP you are lucky to have such a special stepdad for your children as most on here don't seem so lucky