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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do you think of a proposal with no ring?

197 replies

Brainded · 20/12/2024 06:29

Just this really. Wanting to get opinions. What would you think of a proposal with knowing and in fact nothing special going, just the question “will you marry me?”

I don’t want this to turn into a debate about weather proposal is the right way to go. I just want to know how you would feel if you were proposed to with not even a dummy ring. Would it bother you?
so
YABU- it would bother you
YANBU- it wouldn’t bother you

OP posts:
Charlotte120221 · 20/12/2024 09:53

Why ruminate about something that happened years ago in a relationship that’s over?

let it go.

fwiw dh proposed while we were crossing the road as he bottled the down on one knee proposal he’d planned. Not relevant to my life or our relationship.

Dishwashersaurous · 20/12/2024 09:58

There is no wrong or right answer here.

But the right answer is that before someone proposes they should know their partner well enough to know what sort of proposal they would like.

The same as they should know what sort of birthday, holiday, Christmas celebration, their views on children etc.

To want to marry someone you should know everything about them, and that includes whether they like surprises, or big gestures or prefer quieter more intimate moments

Dishwashersaurous · 20/12/2024 09:58

You say the marriage ended anyway. Which proves that you weren't right for each other

Frangywangywoowah · 20/12/2024 09:59

My partner proposed with a ring that was a little too small in band size so it had to be returned. He then suggested I look online at a jeweller in Hatton Garden and we ended up with a ring almost exactly the same as the one he proposed with but I got larger diamonds as the online place was doing better prices for similar money.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 20/12/2024 10:00

IMO the most romantic proposals often end up with the shortest marriages.

People stress the proposal and the wedding and don't think about the 40 - 60 years that come afterwards. They don't have the prosaic, boring, conversations about finances, children, ethics and values, because they are so busy chosing the perfect dress, venue, and other arrangements for their 'big day'.

SummerBarbecues · 20/12/2024 10:02

I don't wear rings and I don't have a wedding ring. We just went to the registry with my parents and got registered. I don't care about weddings. It's the marriage and legal protection I'm interested in.

So it wouldn't bother me a bit.

We are still together 20 years later.

ThisWeeksGripe · 20/12/2024 10:05

elastamum · 20/12/2024 07:49

It's only an issue if it matters to you. My DH proposed without a ring. I don't wear them anyway and don't have a wedding ring either. He also didn't get down on one knee. We were up a mountain and both had skis on. He would have never been able to get up again!

Very similar here! Hiking though, rather than skiing. We stopped for a break on a hillside in Glencoe and, with sheep as witnesses, he said "we should get married", and I said "ok". I never wear rings either, and have no idea where my wedding is. DH wears his. Married 38 years.

AChangeIsAsGood · 20/12/2024 10:15

I was very happy with it. I'd been very clear that, if I were ever to get engaged, I wanted to choose my own ring (control freak? Me?) I'm going to wear it for the rest of my life, I want to love it. He proposed, we chose a ring together. Over 20 years later, I still love it.

Worth noting that when we looked for rings, all the ones I thought I like looked terrible on me. If he'd listened to what I liked and got me what I said I liked, if have had a ring that I liked for itself, but didn't suit my hands at all.

RestYeMerryGentlewomen · 20/12/2024 10:22

I think if it’s the right person you would be delighted.

Issue is everyone expects a bloody fuss these days.

DH asked me with no ring. Married 25 years.

Combattingthemoaners · 20/12/2024 10:29

In my opinion, it’s lazy. It is literally the ONE thing a man has to do in life on his own (excluding lesbian marriages in this one). He can go and pick a ring out and put some bloody thought into it.

healthybychristmas · 20/12/2024 10:32

Do you mean if you never got a ring or if he proposed and in that moment hadn't got a ring? I'd rather choose my own anyway.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/12/2024 10:35

I never had an engagement ring. He asked, and we set a date.
I would rather have liked an engagement ring, but to dh at the time (long ago!)’getting engaged’ was desperately uncool!

He bought me a really lovely ring (complete surprise) right after the birth of dd2, which TBH meant an awful lot more to me.

Especially after a non Brit neighbour* said, ‘You got that for a GIRL??’
*from a very much ‘boys are best’ culture.

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 20/12/2024 10:42

This makes me wonder if you don't have bigger issues. Surely if its the right person for you, none of the trimmings matter. Instagram has a lot to answer for I think

Printedword · 20/12/2024 10:43

Better to go and choose a ring together than be presented with a ring you might not like or a dummy one. Not heard of the latter as a thing.

I've had 2 proposals. One was preceded by several walks past a jewellers and basically consisted of 'shall we go and get one of those engagement rings you liked?'. The second was a romantic evening in for two and a card delivered on bended knee. I accepted both proposals, the engagement that lasted was the second.

greenwichvillage · 20/12/2024 10:47

Bigearringsbigsmile · 20/12/2024 06:51

My proposal wasn't any less special because there wasn't a ring and he didn't go down on one knee and he didn't give a speech.
I remember every detail of thst day. It was so special.
It's not the instagram bits that mKe things special.

This!!! I had a very off the cuff proposal, no bells and whistles and no ring. What was more important to me was that this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with to love and cherish. The ring came later and even then it was never about the ring just like marriage is never about the showstopper engagement or wedding. I have been happily married to my best friend for 30 years.
Social media has created this image that all proposals should be magical and the ring must costs more than your year salary, but marriages based on that solely never last.

Printedword · 20/12/2024 10:53

I would add that I've been married 30+ years and that my parents were married in the 1950s. Neither proposal was with a ring, both couples are very romantic. There's more than one way to propose and with a ring is sometimes the fashionable way but has never been a must.

SkylarkKitten · 20/12/2024 10:58

@Brainded

Huge hugs to you this morning.

Don't rake up the past - it doesn't usually help. I think you know you deserved better and I'm glad you didn't spend your life regretting a bad decision

Life is full of surprises, and you may one day be swept off your feet. On the other hand, you may have a beautifully understanding but understated relationship/proposal. As long as you feel cherished, that's the important thing

Hugs once again - seems like you need it today x

Cynic17 · 20/12/2024 11:01

It's perfect. The best part of getting engaged was going to choose the ring together. I would have hated to just be handed something that I wouldn't necessarily like, and then have to pretend it was fine for the rest of my life! And, as the start of a partnership, isn't it a better model to actually choose together?

Bigearringsbigsmile · 20/12/2024 11:06

Calamitousness · 20/12/2024 09:24

My DH knew not to pick my ring. He knows what I’m like and that I’d want to do it. It’s so expensive that to get it wrong is devastating. Ok, first world problems but why you’d be happy spending thousands and not getting what you really want is beyond me.
Anyway, he proposed. We didn’t tell anyone till we went and got the ring a week or so later. Then it was ‘official’ and we got married 6 months later.

That supposes that you DO spend thousands! Mine wasn't anything like that expensive. It doesn't mean it's not precious and meaningful and beautiful. I really think social media is to blame for an awful lot of discontent these days.

Superscientist · 20/12/2024 11:09

We have a civil partnership but with no engagement or wedding rings.
I'd want to chose my own if I did tbh.
We had a chat and decided it would be a good idea and got our civil partnership about 8 weeks later.

I've seen most variants of engagement proposals from the massively planned staged events to a joint conversation each whilst different have felt right for the couple. The ring and down on one knee wouldn't have been right for me and my partner but for other friends the casual conversation wouldn't have been right. I think proposals and weddings are fully in the "you do you" category. Don't feel obliged to go through the performance but also don't feel guilt or anything if that's your thing and hopefully both parties are in agreement! If your other half has opposing views maybe it's worth sitting down and talking about what is important for the two of you

Commonsense22 · 20/12/2024 11:14

Loads of people will say no they're happy with a half-baked question whilst watching tipping point but no, I would have been disappointed. Unless there was some other effort and the person proposing said "let me take you out tomorrows to choose a ring".

I am happy my DH made an effort although it's not mumsnet popular.

OneAmberFinch · 20/12/2024 11:17

Commonsense22 · 20/12/2024 11:14

Loads of people will say no they're happy with a half-baked question whilst watching tipping point but no, I would have been disappointed. Unless there was some other effort and the person proposing said "let me take you out tomorrows to choose a ring".

I am happy my DH made an effort although it's not mumsnet popular.

Exactly. And it's usually "my husband proposed with a dozen red roses, a two carat ring and the original cue cards from Love Actually but our amazing marriage would be built on just as strong a love even if he hadn't <3"

And it's like no... He'd be a different person and you'd have a different relationship if he weren't the type to put in the effort.

TheGoogleMum · 20/12/2024 11:22

People overhype the proposal too much. I was proposed to without a ring as he knew I'd like to pick it out myself. There wasn't a big speech. Do you love the person and want to marry them is more important than have they put enough effort in

Porcuporpoise · 20/12/2024 11:24

My husband proposed on a service station forecourt and no he didn't get down on one knee as it was pissing w rain. Our marriage is great because he puts in effort every day, esp on the unglamorous, unsexy things like sitting up with an ill child or washing up. Life is not Instagram.

Mountainpika · 20/12/2024 11:27

My husband proposed without a ring. He didn't plan in advance - it just happened. Didn't make any difference - been married over 50 years.

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