Husband Won't Correct My Name

[TheTingTings]

Husband and I got married a couple months ago. Before this we'd been together 14 years. It was important to me to keep my surname for various reasons - we spoke about it and he was understanding and very clear that he didn't mind. I asked if he wanted to share my surname, and he didn't - no issues from me. Incase it matters, we don't have kids and don't plan to.

We got a wedding invitation from a family member of his, addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname. No issue, but given their wedding stationery will likely be getting made up and to avoid any mixed messages, I asked if when he RSVPs for us could he text just to clarify my name so it can be right on seating plan, etc.

He said it's not a big deal and if I care that much I can text his family member myself. I replied that it mattered to me as it's my name, and he got really snarky about it, reiterating it wasn't a big deal and he wasn't doing it.

I welled up a bit as his reaction and the change in tone of our evening as it caught me by surprise, and to be honest I'm tired from a long day at work and this was just after getting in the door. He then flounced off and has closed the door over to the room he's gone off into.

We rarely argue, I can't remember the last time anything like this happened, but it's really hurt me. Not the invitation, but his attitude towards my name not mattering and being unwilling to do a small task to support something important to me. I could of course reply to the family member myself but I'm peeved that I've managed the name situation with my family as well as his immediate family, can he not help out with his wider family I don't really know to message?

Am I massively overthinking this?

I disagree. Its not really about the wedding card but husband's attitude to his wife’s name. Establishing clear boundaries now will save many future arguments.

Why not her mother's surname? Or her mother's mother's mother's surname?
It is not nonsense; why is your father's name acceptable, but not her husband's?

Be interested to know on this thread...how many of you actually kept your birth surname upon marriage? And of those of you who did, what title did you take?
I only know of one other married Ms Owname IRL.
I'm Ms D-B (hubby and I both added on).

If it was something important I would see the issue but your bothered about a sheet of paper and a piece of cardboard on a table that will go in the bin. This is a none issue.

Nobody's looking at your name on the board, they are looking for their own name and table.

She's "bothered" about the name written on the sheet of paper

YABU. I don’t think this is a big deal. (And in any case, whether you keep your surname or take his, it’s still some man’s name).

Ok so assuming your name isn't Gary let's imagine everyone just calling you Gary for no reason other than they have a mate called Gary and what's the point in getting your name right Gary will do what's the big deal. What's the fuss??

It's OP's name.

This would not bother me tbh. Your name is still "officially" yours, regardless of what is on a wedding invitation
Women have took their husbands name for years as the norm and that generation would assume I suppose
Not that I'm saying it's right, it's just at how it is
If it is you that feels that strongly about it, fair enough, but you have to be the one to correct them

Because her parents gave her the same name as her father at birth. They could have chosen her mother's or made something up. But the point is since she was registered that has been hername.

You do realise this is mumsnet right?

I kept my name. My title, when I need one, is Ms.

@@MissScarletInTheBallroom
"This is such a daft argument."

• Not a daft argument, I'm just stating facts - most people, not all but most, have a patrilineal surname.

"By this logic women can never have names of their own."

• Now this is a daft argument. Brothers and sisters have the same surname - boys are given their father's surname too. Would you say they can't have names of their own, just because it came from their father?

Your name's your name. Of course it belongs to you. But you can't deny where it came from - it came from one of your parents and thus from your ancestors. And usually on your father's side.

"Yes it is patriarchal that most girls in the western world are given their father's surname when they are born."

• You're right, it IS patriarchal that girls are given their father's surname. But it's also patriarchal that boys are given their father's surname too! Hence the custom of giving patrilineal surnames.

You are being invited as your DH’s wife - ie Mrs DH.

But the point is, the OP is not Mrs. DH.

@RitaIncognita Absolutely agree. As well as being a person in her own right.

So the default is acceptable at birth, but not at marriage? It is STILL a male's name.

@venus7 I didn't know newborns had the capacity to choose the birth name of their preference?

Think that’s a wee bit over the top saying OP husband doesn’t respect or value her name . She is asking if she is “ massively over thinking “, which I think she is.

This is such a non issue. If you’re arguing over things like this 2 months in I don’t hold out much hope for the marriage.

Well, of course they don't; the parents choose it for them. The default, usually.
I didn't know sarcasm could be so unamusing; Dorothy Parker is unruffled.

I appreciate that your name is important to you, but isn't it going a bit OTT to have an argument over a couple of bits of paper which will be binned after a few hours? UABU

No, her surname is a woman's name because she's a woman.

@venus7 Our daughter has both of our names as hubby and I db'd upon marriage.
I would never have given my child her father's last name alone.

Of course it's not OTT. I think for most women who keep their names, it is very important. It's part of who they are, and often a central aspect of their belief and value system (feminism, social justice, anti-oppression). If my husband had insisted that I take his name, I would not have married him.