Husband Won't Correct My Name

[TheTingTings]

Husband and I got married a couple months ago. Before this we'd been together 14 years. It was important to me to keep my surname for various reasons - we spoke about it and he was understanding and very clear that he didn't mind. I asked if he wanted to share my surname, and he didn't - no issues from me. Incase it matters, we don't have kids and don't plan to.

We got a wedding invitation from a family member of his, addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname. No issue, but given their wedding stationery will likely be getting made up and to avoid any mixed messages, I asked if when he RSVPs for us could he text just to clarify my name so it can be right on seating plan, etc.

He said it's not a big deal and if I care that much I can text his family member myself. I replied that it mattered to me as it's my name, and he got really snarky about it, reiterating it wasn't a big deal and he wasn't doing it.

I welled up a bit as his reaction and the change in tone of our evening as it caught me by surprise, and to be honest I'm tired from a long day at work and this was just after getting in the door. He then flounced off and has closed the door over to the room he's gone off into.

We rarely argue, I can't remember the last time anything like this happened, but it's really hurt me. Not the invitation, but his attitude towards my name not mattering and being unwilling to do a small task to support something important to me. I could of course reply to the family member myself but I'm peeved that I've managed the name situation with my family as well as his immediate family, can he not help out with his wider family I don't really know to message?

Am I massively overthinking this?

I get around this particular issue by simply requesting to be addressed by my given name. But I'm interested in your point as to the OP's lack of importance, an observation which might easily be extended to the fact that others' weddings are similarly unimportant to most people outside the bride and groom, and possibly their parents.

It's always interesting to me that any problem of this nature, if it exclusively affects women, is dismissed as insignificant. An 'unimportant piece in this particular jigsaw', and I quote. In this context it clearly means the wedding of someone not particular close, but you can bet your boots it applies in the context of wider society in general.

Women are just not that important. It matters nothing whether you respect their personal preferences of identity or not.

So, wasn't her dh a bit OTT or are you applying different standards to him for some reason?
He then flounced off and has closed the door over to the room he's gone off into.

Well, I could have said she has her father's, grandfather's, great grandfather's, great great grandfather's, great great great grandfather's name, and I could keep going. But I kept it succinct to make a point.
She, like most people, has a patrilineal surname

It's always interesting to me that any problem of this nature, if it exclusively affects women, is dismissed as insignificant.

In this sort of context, it doesn’t exclusively affect women, though. I gave the example of my friend whose DD has his wife’s surname. And he’s pretty regularly referred to as “Mr Wife’s Name” in any sort of school context. Which is totally understandable and he just rolls with it. Also happens to another male friend whose wife is a big cheese in her field and hasn’t taken his name - there are many circles in which he’s known as “Mrs Wife’s Name”. Because - in that context - he’s not important. He’s at the function because of her and with her and not in his own right as such.

Yes, his father!

…..”Mr Wife’s Name” even - sorry!

Oh you made a point alright, just not the one you thought. Selectively succinct and quelle surprise, it was the woman's name not the man's that had to be caveated.

Completely unreasonable. But you are able to message them about it. I am sure they have nothing better to be doing whilst preparing for a wedding. Is it really that important? I am called all sorts of things as my son does not have the same surname as me. I answer to three different surnames although I prefer the one on my passport and driving licence.

My God of that's all you have to worry about in life you're very lucky!

It would annoy me too on principle. I get a bit snarky when I'm referred to as Mrs Joseph Bloggs or Mr and Mrs Joseph Bloggs.

If you are known by a certain name, then you are, end of....

I trust you'll be duplicating this post on the large majority of the threads on this website?

Next time I post I'll make sure I remember to also list everything else I'm worried about, lest anyone thinks that's the only thing I'm thinking of.

This wouldn't bother me. It's quite common for the wife to take the husbands surname so I would expect people to get it wrong.
Also, whoever is planning this wedding will have a million other things on their mind than your surname. You're probably better just letting it go.

No disrespect intended at all! I just can't see how this issue is causing so much worry for the OP. Seems very minor in the grand scheme of things

To you.

Reply and say ' just to let you know I've kept my maiden name ( tell them what it is)' Husbands are sometimes unhelpful. Hopefully yours is a good egg in other ways.

Yeah that is ott too of course. A touch testerical, even.

I thought it was hilarious but I was really shocked that they didn’t know me at all

The fact that my colleagues told them not to and yet the women all went ahead anyway.
They had to put it all right
I didn’t waste my time

When we are babies we don’t have a choice what we are named
Some can have their mothers name, some their fathers, some both.

When we get married we can do what we want with our surname.

I don’t get why you don’t just send them a friendly text yourself. There is no reason not to do that. Respectfully, all the fuss with your husband and your ‘tearfulness’ is way OTT.

It's an oversight on their part probably stressed to bits organising a wedding it's not personal.
I personally wouldn't correct them and your partner may feel awkward correcting them.
You know who you are , let this one go.

Good!!!

I wouldn't mind personally but since you do mind, I would text the relative.

I'm not sure why your DH got so cross about it but I would just let it go for now.

This is such a daft argument.

By this logic women can never have names of their own.

Yes it is patriarchal that most girls in the western world are given their father's surname when they are born.

But the moment they are born and named, it becomes their name, and part of their identity.

It's not about where the name originally came from. It's about whether you want to change a fundamental part of your identity when you get married.

If you want to share a name with your spouse I can see the logic for double barrelling (although I often see couples where the woman double barrels and the man doesn't, which is quite telling). I can also see the logic for them both changing their names to something new (although this would be a nightmare for genealogists). But the logic for women systematically taking their husbands' names on marriage is weak at best. If it weren't, there would be an even split between women taking their husbands' names and men taking their wives' names.

And if you always hated your name or didn't want to be reminded of your abusive father or what have you, why not change your name by deed poll just because you want to? Why is marriage the time you suddenly decide to change your name?

i don’t feel strongly enough about keeping my own surname so I voted YABU. It seems such a tiny thing to get worked up about. Difficult to empathise over something which isn’t really a big deal. I’m trying to think of a reason for someone to feel so strongly about this but I’m honestly stumped.