Husband Won't Correct My Name

[TheTingTings]

Husband and I got married a couple months ago. Before this we'd been together 14 years. It was important to me to keep my surname for various reasons - we spoke about it and he was understanding and very clear that he didn't mind. I asked if he wanted to share my surname, and he didn't - no issues from me. Incase it matters, we don't have kids and don't plan to.

We got a wedding invitation from a family member of his, addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname. No issue, but given their wedding stationery will likely be getting made up and to avoid any mixed messages, I asked if when he RSVPs for us could he text just to clarify my name so it can be right on seating plan, etc.

He said it's not a big deal and if I care that much I can text his family member myself. I replied that it mattered to me as it's my name, and he got really snarky about it, reiterating it wasn't a big deal and he wasn't doing it.

I welled up a bit as his reaction and the change in tone of our evening as it caught me by surprise, and to be honest I'm tired from a long day at work and this was just after getting in the door. He then flounced off and has closed the door over to the room he's gone off into.

We rarely argue, I can't remember the last time anything like this happened, but it's really hurt me. Not the invitation, but his attitude towards my name not mattering and being unwilling to do a small task to support something important to me. I could of course reply to the family member myself but I'm peeved that I've managed the name situation with my family as well as his immediate family, can he not help out with his wider family I don't really know to message?

Am I massively overthinking this?

I did. My title is Dr, or Ms if it's a computer system without the option of Dr.

Your parents chose your last name? So it's neither of theirs? That's one way to avoid the problem........

I think you're being unreasonable. Dh has some wonderful relatives who live far away, and we get the odd card, gift or invite with my husband's last name. They don't know I kept my name and I'm not going to correct them and make everyone feel awkward.

There's so much to do when planning a wedding, and you risk making them think you're a little uptight/self important if you correct them. The wedding isn't about you.

They chose to name me my father’s last name - as per convention. The moment it was given to me it became mine. Just like my first name. It is not my father’s name, it is mine.

Thank god he was so understanding and 'didn't mind' about you being a woman and wanting to keep your name. Must be so hard for him to be married to such a bolshy old shrew.

Seriously, I would contact the family member and say actually our surname is 'Mr and Mrs YOURNAME' and wait for him to see then remind him it's not such a big deal.

Can't imagine spending a moment worrying about this tbh. We've had so many Xmas cards to mr and mrs partner's name this year. I just think lazy, whatever and move on

It's not your father's name? How do people address him then?

It is fine to have different opinions but really, if you want to engage in a discussion it would be easier if you dropped the faux puzzlement - it just makes you look a bit thick.

Thousands of people have the same first name as me. That does not make it any less mine. Neither does the fact that it is my name mean it does not belong to anyone else. The same principle applies to last name. Origin is unimportant - once a name is given it belongs to the recipient. It is up to the recipient whether they choose to change their name - whether that is their first or last name. But the ‘it is just a man’s name’ ? Completely illogical - a woman’s name is her fathers but a man’s is his own? Bullshit.

I use my maiden name and this wouldn't bother me.

It's not your father's name? How do people address him then?

I would assume that they address him by his name, as they would address his daughter by her name. See, it's really not that hard.

Yes you are massively over thinking it. No one cares one way or another. Correct it or don't. I've had wrong surname, wrong spelling of first name etc my whole life and I just shrug and get on with it.

I agree with your dh.

Was your own recent wedding a busy time with planning and whatnot? Because theirs is probably the same. I'd shrug it off as a non event as they probably have enough on their plate without faffing around making sure everyone is happy with their place card.

I suppose it's just what's important to you. Speaking for myself, whenever I am hosting anyone, which is what you are doing with a wedding, it is important to me to consider the comfort of my guests, and I think getting their names right is just a basic part of that.

The law in France is that each partner chooses which half of their own double barrel to pass on to kids to create a new mashup.

I think it’s normal for people to assume you’re taking youth husbands name but if it matters to you to correct them then I’d tell your husband should respect that and since you asked there no reason that’s obvious for him not to contact and correct. Hopefully he just thinks it’s not a big deal and it hasn’t occurred to him it might really matter so I’d have a chat in a calm moment.

I didn’t take my husbands name (didn’t want to and my mum regretted that she had so I thought I’ll do it for her (not that she’d mind either way but since she’d died it felt like a thing).

We double barrelled our son’s name because husband didn’t want my name either.

Now we have my aunts write a card using Mr &Mrs Husband and am not bothered but then there are people who assume
my son’s surname is mine if they knew me before/ separate to my husband (so they don’t know his name), so it is a tho g that happens even if t out correct people, as new people make assumptions.

it is opposite at the vet though - my cats (family cats but from my brother), have their vet name be mine and so it is now my husband goes to the vet (often, because we rescue wildlife and rehab it), he is called by my surname. He hasn’t told them either and it does make me laugh.

If it matters, correct people, and expect respect from your husband in that. But be aware you will get misnamed a lot as tradition runs deep, so be sure to tell people

But won't the cousins have sone sort of note book /address book for people where forever more this wrong detail will be noted and used? Ie thank you cards will be done and then maybe Christmas cards in future?

What if women don't marry -are they then never actually owning their own mane? What about 2 women that marry? Do they neither own their surname? (My sister in law took my sisters name as my sister had published academic work which you can't update surname wise). Does their child have their surname or is he just borrowing it from my dad?

I find the very concept of Mrs John Smith incredibly insulting and offensive (unless someone named John Smith uses the title Mrs) - completely removing the person as anything other than the wife of. Given we never see Mr Mary Smith, I cannot see this as anything other than incredibly sexist.

But if you want your name corrected contact them and correct it. Send the text that fixes the confusion. You just need to say - thanks for the invite looking forward to the wedding, just an FYI I’m Mary Smith not Jones.

You disagree with me; that doesn't make calling me 'thick' acceptable.
Perhaps you're not aware of reductio absurdum.
Goodbye.

This is the point I was trying to make, just not as eloquently 😂👍

Yes, I disagree with you. However I am able to have a discussion about different views - you clearly are not.

I didn’t call you thick, I said the faux puzzlement makes you look a bit thick I.e. you pretending not to understand what I was saying.

yes, I am aware of reductio ad adsurdum - I didn’t see it in your posts. There is no logic in saying a persons name is not their name.

You could tell him you'll rsvp yes from Mrs and Mr ting ting and see how he likes that. If he says anything other than that's totally fine then he should see your point

@TheTingTings
Christmas card arrived this morning and the first thing I thought of was you OP

Married 26 years and a relative of my dh still addresses cards to Mr and Mrs husbands surname !!

You are massively overthinking and make a drama out of this.

You want to keep your surname, and that's the only thing your DH has to accept. In reality, you can keep your surname professionally and in every other aspect of your everyday life, including keeping your surname as a mother when your kids go to school and in every form you fill for doctors, insurance etc.

Being an Anglo-Saxon country where women have traditionally taken their husband's surname often means that some friends, family are going to refer you as Mrs <husband's surname> because it's a cultural tradition.

Frankly, don't sweat it. As long as you keep identifying your self by your family surname, it'll be fine.

This is what it fundamentally comes down to. Saying that a woman's name isn't hers because a man had it first is logic free. It's a whopping great double standard, especially given that most men have the same surname as their mother.