Husband Won't Correct My Name

[TheTingTings]

Husband and I got married a couple months ago. Before this we'd been together 14 years. It was important to me to keep my surname for various reasons - we spoke about it and he was understanding and very clear that he didn't mind. I asked if he wanted to share my surname, and he didn't - no issues from me. Incase it matters, we don't have kids and don't plan to.

We got a wedding invitation from a family member of his, addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname. No issue, but given their wedding stationery will likely be getting made up and to avoid any mixed messages, I asked if when he RSVPs for us could he text just to clarify my name so it can be right on seating plan, etc.

He said it's not a big deal and if I care that much I can text his family member myself. I replied that it mattered to me as it's my name, and he got really snarky about it, reiterating it wasn't a big deal and he wasn't doing it.

I welled up a bit as his reaction and the change in tone of our evening as it caught me by surprise, and to be honest I'm tired from a long day at work and this was just after getting in the door. He then flounced off and has closed the door over to the room he's gone off into.

We rarely argue, I can't remember the last time anything like this happened, but it's really hurt me. Not the invitation, but his attitude towards my name not mattering and being unwilling to do a small task to support something important to me. I could of course reply to the family member myself but I'm peeved that I've managed the name situation with my family as well as his immediate family, can he not help out with his wider family I don't really know to message?

Am I massively overthinking this?

Same.

If my husband had insisted that I take his name, I would not have married him.

Nor would I but that’s not the issue here. You pick your battles and focus on those that matter. A bit of fluff at someone else’s wedding isn’t one of them. My husband wearily answers to Mr Myname on occasion because it’s just not worth explaining yet again that our names are different, it gets pretty wearing after 25 years.

Mr Coffeecup thinks it amusing when he gets called Mr Toothbrush.

He doesn't correct. He doesn't see the point.

There is no point. Nobody cares.

Almost 90% of women in the UK take their husbands name when they marry, so the assumption is understandable. If you're independent enough to decide to keep your own name though surely you're independent enough to message his relative with a big thankyou and just let them know you've kept your surname.

This isn't a huge drama and expecting your husband to sort it out for you when it's you that it's a big deal for is ridiculous. I kept my surname but couldn't care less.

So...if she then marries another db upon marriage...or acquiring a 'hubby', if you prefer..will they be quadruple barrelled?

Yes but the point is that nobody ever makes this argument about men.

Nobody ever, ever suggests that men are just borrowing their dad's name anyway so there's no harm in changing it.

So... you're saying that women who change their names are not independent?

Of course. There are tens of thousands of children in Spain, where double-barrelling is the norm, with 1024 surnames.

They’re continuing a tradition which established women as property………..

But we don't borrow our name. We are given our surname when we're born. Usually our father's surname. But it's our name. It's not borrowed; it's bestowed. Nobody can take it from us. And we can keep it forever, or change it once we're adults should we wish, either by deed poll or by marriage.

I’m talking about if you trace it back historically through marriage.

Where did the surname come from though? Her father, presumably, if her mother was married, If she wasn’t, it would have been her mother’s father’s name. Surnames always trace back through a male lineage, one way or another.

And that's still nonsensical. If you think a woman's name isn't really hers because a man has it, the same actually applies in reverse. It's not really a man's because his mother probably had it before him.

Because I'm not sure where you are, but in England, the country where the largest group of MNers are, the tradition is in fact for children to have their mothers surname. In most cases it was also that of the father, because the mother had changed hers on marriage, but the children got it because it was the mum's. Children being given the father's surname when it differs to the mother is actually a pretty new practice.

1024 each?

I appreciate in the grand scheme of things it isn't a big deal inasmuch as it isn't a legal document. However, it's lazy/rude to not use the name someone goes by.

Every year I get irrationally annoyed by people sending cards through the post to "Mr & Mrs HisInitial HisSurname" because despite having been married for 30 years I am Ms MyInitial MySurname. People who address cards as I have mentioned were at the wedding. They've known me all this time and know what name I use. When I politely raised it with one of them about 5 years ago, they just told me that "That's how we were taught at school".

I always send things correctly addressed, and do my best to ensure I call people what they wish to be called, regardless of what Debretts may have said in 1980.

Yes. Because when two people with double barrelled surnames marry, they have 4 surnames. Their children marry and have 8. The next generation get 16, then 32, 64 and so on.

Isn’t that what the non-feminists on here usually argue about double-barrelling? I may be a bit ahead of you all.

I don't think db is an anti feminist action..............

I didn’t take my husbands name when we married 20 years ago. I’m often called Mrs Hisname by family or non family. I don’t give it a second thought to be honest. If it requires correcting I just tell them, otherwise I honestly can’t imagine getting that bothered about it.

I kept mine and I use it exclusively as Ms Ownname. I don't return wrongly addressed envelopes if they are purely social (eg Christmas cards) but I do return those which might allow an identify to be created and/or end up on a mailing list.

The logic is obviously that "her father's surname" is one she's had since birth all her life, is known by and features on her official documents, and "her husband's surname" has never been hers as never will be. So one is her surname and the other isn't. Simple as that.

My first name is French in origin. My parents chose which first and last names to give me when I was born. Both names are MY names, their origin is unimportant - I am neither French nor male even though that is where my names descend from. I own my last name every bit as much as I own my first name.

Changing my last name on marriage made as much sense as changing my first name I.e none. Neither would I agree to my husband changing his name to mine (not that he wanted to - he has his own name).

The common MN trope is that double barrelling is ridiculous because “what happens when a db person marries a db person?”. They’re against db-ing (and the woman therefore having her name recognised in the marriage), which is pretty anti-feminist.

I'm the same!

Husband’s surname is just his dad’s surname? The point is to have a name that is your own ancestry line rather than coming under someone else’s.

In saying that, YABU here. I have kept my maiden name as my surname but wouldn’t care in a one off instance like this!