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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH showing an unbelievable level of pettiness

1000 replies

Owlsz · 19/12/2024 16:11

DH takes and collects my friend's 2 children to school every day, as well as our two. We live a 20 minute drive from the school and it's on the way to DH's work.

My friend's child is having a birthday party but hasn't invited my DC despite being in the same year group at school. I don't see any problem with this as they have different friendship groups and my friend is inviting a limited number of children because of the cost of the event. My DC has indicated they would have liked to attend but understand why they weren't invited.

DH does have an issue with this and is refusing to take my friend's DC to and from school, starting from the next year, calling the non- invitation an insult. He is also grieved at my friend's attitude, so is probably using this as an excuse.

I've pushed him to reconsider but he has refused.

I cannot take the children to school as I'm at work. My friend has no other means of transport, there is no one near her that is travelling in the same direction.

OP posts:
Silvertulips · 20/12/2024 07:34

Marriage is a partnership, but it's him who's doing the lifts. As her attitude isn't great, why are you even friends with her?

I think OP and the friend share the same shitty values. OP’s attitude towards her husband sucks.

If DH didn’t want to do lifts, as an adult, he’s allowed to say no, for any reason, I would say the lack of party invite is the final straw not the first petty excuse.

babyproblems · 20/12/2024 07:37

Prisonpillow · 19/12/2024 16:13

I get your point and I always stress to my kids that not everyone goes to every party. But if I was their parent there is absolutely no way I’d not invite the child of the family who gives me lifts every day. I think it’s unbelievably rude. Unless they pay you?

I agree tbh! It’s a really huge thing for your DH to do! I thought you were going to say one day a week or you do alternate days. I suppose if the kids aren’t that bothered by the lack of invite - fine - but I hope the friend does something for you and/or your DH now and then

EmotionalSupportCuttlefish · 20/12/2024 07:40

I think DH has made a knee jerk reaction.

A situation like this is subtle and it sounds like your DC aren't bothered so he shouldn't be.

I can see your POV. It's not worth falling out over.

Porcuporpoise · 20/12/2024 07:41

Owlsz · 19/12/2024 23:19

18% of posters think I am being reasonable but none of them are posting any comments.

The child are 10/11 and they are at that age where the invites aren't decided by mum and dad, but are decided by the child themselves.

Plus, the party they are arranging only has a limited number of spaces, and you cannot expect them to include my DC, and the exclusion of another friend, just to keep my husband happy.

At the end of the day OP, your husband doesn't have to do this favour and now he's not. Your friend will need to find another way to get her kids to school. Perhaps, given their ages, they could make their own way.

Doggielove · 20/12/2024 07:43

Owlsz · 19/12/2024 23:19

18% of posters think I am being reasonable but none of them are posting any comments.

The child are 10/11 and they are at that age where the invites aren't decided by mum and dad, but are decided by the child themselves.

Plus, the party they are arranging only has a limited number of spaces, and you cannot expect them to include my DC, and the exclusion of another friend, just to keep my husband happy.

parents still agree the final list, which is the point where you say “we must remember that we must invite..” it can happen right up until your wedding!!

Or you start with x and x must be invited, now who else, it’s your choice.

your husband is totally right but for some reason you are closed to his view. just over 4/5 posters agree with him yet you want to agree with the .009 or whatever that agree with you.

I don’t think it is a nothing to collect and drop someone’s kids, everything takes energy and your husband is furious that has not been recognized here, in a way that normally would be. He is being loving sticking up for his kids.

stick with it husband and enjoy your simpler journeys to school/work.

OP you don’t sound like you are in a partnership where you have each others backs to me. I’m wondering if there is a wider agenda we don’t know about

ichifanny · 20/12/2024 07:46

why on earth should your husband go out his way for a woman who can’t even be bothered making sure her kids act courteously when it comes to the party invites . It’s her tough luck . You should side with your husband on this .

Thomasina79 · 20/12/2024 07:47

It is petty and I understand his feelings, but I would continue to take the children as not doing so would impact on them as they might have to leave the school/have a complicated journey/be upset. The children are what matters here and your husband is going that way anyway.

mumguilt999 · 20/12/2024 07:50

He sounds like a good husband and a good Dad. You've signed him up to do something that benefits your friend, who he doesn't like, and it cuts into his own time with his own kids. He gets nothing in return. He actually loses out, because he can't take his own children out after school or deviate from the daily routine at all.

He's standing up for your child, who should have been invited. Team Husband here, which is something I don't think often

BettyBardMacDonald · 20/12/2024 07:52

Thomasina79 · 20/12/2024 07:47

It is petty and I understand his feelings, but I would continue to take the children as not doing so would impact on them as they might have to leave the school/have a complicated journey/be upset. The children are what matters here and your husband is going that way anyway.

They aren't his kids or his responsibility. Any upset is their mother's doing.

And "on his way anyway" is an obnoxious belittling of the burden and stress of giving 10
lifts per week x2 children, for zero payment, return favour or even a decent thanks.

Whyherewego · 20/12/2024 07:52

@Owlsz I wonder whether DH found the whole lift thing a PITA (could they be argumentative for ex?) but was going along with it because he thought the kids were good friends and this party situation has just brought to light that they are not. So it's not about the party per se but him suddenly realising he's doing this thing for some kids that don't even particularly like his kids.
You're right that a 10 year old doesn't need to invite kids they don't want to their party. But I do think you need to think about this lift situation and whether it is unreasonable of this family to be so dependent on DH for each way lifts. It's probably time to re evaluate anyway as the kids are older and the car time may be quite precious for him and yoyr DC.

CoffeeGood · 20/12/2024 07:53

Owlsz · 19/12/2024 23:19

18% of posters think I am being reasonable but none of them are posting any comments.

The child are 10/11 and they are at that age where the invites aren't decided by mum and dad, but are decided by the child themselves.

Plus, the party they are arranging only has a limited number of spaces, and you cannot expect them to include my DC, and the exclusion of another friend, just to keep my husband happy.

Oh dear, this has to be reverse and the OP is the friend, no one could be so laid back about the situation otherwise!

BettyBardMacDonald · 20/12/2024 07:55

EmotionalSupportCuttlefish · 20/12/2024 07:40

I think DH has made a knee jerk reaction.

A situation like this is subtle and it sounds like your DC aren't bothered so he shouldn't be.

I can see your POV. It's not worth falling out over.

It's a massive burden on him. Why should he give a shit about "falling out" with an ungrateful CF who is taking advantage of him??

Blinkingbonkers · 20/12/2024 07:55

Urgh - I hate the attitude “they’re Secondary age now, they choose who they want to invite” ….. part of parenting is helping your children learn how to behave appropriately. This mother should step up and do it. Really rude behaviour as far as I’m concerned and your dh has every right to be miffed.

Notonthestairs · 20/12/2024 07:55

No I don't think your kid should have been invited. I certainly wasn't picking birthday party invitees when my kids were 11.

But your friend has pissed off your husband long before this party.

And you don't seem willing to acknowledge his feelings.

What's that about? Why prioritise your friends feelings over your husbands?

Silvertulips · 20/12/2024 07:55

The children are what matters here and your husband is going that way anyway

You could say the same thing about the party - it’s arranged anyway.

OPs children matter and their feelings don’t get trumped by tea children.

ButterCrackers · 20/12/2024 07:59

Silvertulips · 20/12/2024 07:55

The children are what matters here and your husband is going that way anyway

You could say the same thing about the party - it’s arranged anyway.

OPs children matter and their feelings don’t get trumped by tea children.

A taxi would also be going that way anyway.

Ishallgototheball · 20/12/2024 07:59

UghFletcher · 19/12/2024 16:17

I'm with the husband, that's CF-ery to not invite the kids when they are with them every day.

This

bigkidatheart · 20/12/2024 08:07

I'm with your husband here.

NasiDagang · 20/12/2024 08:09

Owlsz · 19/12/2024 23:19

18% of posters think I am being reasonable but none of them are posting any comments.

The child are 10/11 and they are at that age where the invites aren't decided by mum and dad, but are decided by the child themselves.

Plus, the party they are arranging only has a limited number of spaces, and you cannot expect them to include my DC, and the exclusion of another friend, just to keep my husband happy.

Do you hate your husband so much? You don't seem to consider his feelings!

arethereanyleftatall · 20/12/2024 08:10

Owlsz · 19/12/2024 23:19

18% of posters think I am being reasonable but none of them are posting any comments.

The child are 10/11 and they are at that age where the invites aren't decided by mum and dad, but are decided by the child themselves.

Plus, the party they are arranging only has a limited number of spaces, and you cannot expect them to include my DC, and the exclusion of another friend, just to keep my husband happy.

Ok. Her choice. Don't keep the person doing you a massive favour happy. And in return, he has no obligation to keep her happy. No more lifts. Everyone equally unhappy. Sorted.

Codlingmoths · 20/12/2024 08:11

Owlsz · 19/12/2024 23:19

18% of posters think I am being reasonable but none of them are posting any comments.

The child are 10/11 and they are at that age where the invites aren't decided by mum and dad, but are decided by the child themselves.

Plus, the party they are arranging only has a limited number of spaces, and you cannot expect them to include my DC, and the exclusion of another friend, just to keep my husband happy.

Actually I do expect an adult to be able to say to their 10 or 11 yo now you really have to have Johnny and Sara, pick another 8 and we will book it in. Their parents have failed to appreciate the very one way gesture. It’s not unreasonable of your dh to stop giving them rides, his kids are good enough to share their own car with them every single day but not good enough for parties - many adults wouldn’t have a scenario where their children are in close contact every day with someone who’s left them out. You may as well call the mum and explain so there’s a chance of keeping their rides? Otherwise they will have to work something else out!

arethereanyleftatall · 20/12/2024 08:12

And - the 18% will be made up of those who think it's a reverse. It's so batshit it's entirely plausible.

NorthernGirl1981 · 20/12/2024 08:12

I can’t believe you aren’t standing by your husband on this!

He’s your HUSBAND……. and she’s just some cheeky, rude, using ‘friend’ who is completely taking advantage of him!!

How on earth are you even considering siding with her over him?

It’s baffling.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 20/12/2024 08:14

Well just because he's the op's husband doesn't mean she automatically sides with him.

And the friend should have invited the op's kids as a gesture of grace and goodwill.

Whaleandsnail6 · 20/12/2024 08:16

Thomasina79 · 20/12/2024 07:47

It is petty and I understand his feelings, but I would continue to take the children as not doing so would impact on them as they might have to leave the school/have a complicated journey/be upset. The children are what matters here and your husband is going that way anyway.

Thats the children's parents responsibility though. They need to explore other ways to get their children to and from school including looking at their own working hours, public transport options, taxi etc.

If the lift was no longer available for other reasons (op's dh changing work, suddenly being unable to drive, op's kids being sick ir leaving school...) then theae kids parents would have to deal with the logistics so why not now?

Its manipulative to try and put this onto the op's dh when none of this is his responsibility and is a burden that he no longer wants to have to do

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