DH showing an unbelievable level of pettiness

[Owlsz]

DH takes and collects my friend's 2 children to school every day, as well as our two. We live a 20 minute drive from the school and it's on the way to DH's work.

My friend's child is having a birthday party but hasn't invited my DC despite being in the same year group at school. I don't see any problem with this as they have different friendship groups and my friend is inviting a limited number of children because of the cost of the event. My DC has indicated they would have liked to attend but understand why they weren't invited.

DH does have an issue with this and is refusing to take my friend's DC to and from school, starting from the next year, calling the non- invitation an insult. He is also grieved at my friend's attitude, so is probably using this as an excuse.

I've pushed him to reconsider but he has refused.

I cannot take the children to school as I'm at work. My friend has no other means of transport, there is no one near her that is travelling in the same direction.

You've ignored the questions about your friend's attitude that your DH doesn't like - what's the issue with her attitude?

I think it's more conveniently ignored...

You've zero regard for your husband's feelings. It's borderline contemptuous. You've made decisions as to how he spends his time for your benefit, and your friend, and you're cross that he's pulled that time back as a result of your friend being short-sighted.

Also you're yet another poster who focuses on the small minority who agree with them as opposed to the overwhelming majority who think you are being utterly unreasonable. Might wanna reflect on that OP, if you're capable of self-awareness.

Imagine clinging on to 18% (vs, you know, the much larger %). That’s called being completely delusional.

yes, and also quite petty.......😂

Was going to vote YANBU until I saw that she pays you nothing, offers you nothing and gives you all nothing. She is a bludging freeloader. ONLY because your (so-called - what do YOU get out of the friendship?) 'friend' is so incredibly RUDE that she doesn't even offer petrol money. No, fuck the rude madam. Your husband is right and now because of that, YABU. In fact, YABU to even call this user a friend. After all you do for her, not even a lousy fucking kids party invite (yes I know the kids pick, but still...). Raise your standards for friends, you're a mug. And your husband refuses to be one. Good on him!!! He has self respect. If you want to be a mug and used and be an unpaid maid for your 'friend', quit your job so you can be her maid.

Taking your husband out of the equation - your child would have liked to go. Why are you prioritising your friend over your child?

This.

Indeed. You are teaching your kids to be people pleasers and to pacify others regardless of how they treat you.

If this friend (who is really an acquaintance) is so very important to you then why dont YOU start driving her children around everywhere like a chauffeur since she's so apparently important eh?

He's feeling defensive of your DD and is cross on her behalf, I don't see that as petty.

Curious about why you seem very convinced your friend is in the right, and very concerned about making sure you can continue to help out this friend, but rather dismissive of your children who would have liked to have been invited but weren’t, and are travelling each day to school with kids they aren’t that close with, and your DH’s feelings on the matter. Especially as you are the one in the family who actually has no involvement in the school run other than arranging for your friend’s kids to come with.

Tbh I do agree with you in sense that I feel it is important to help friends and that attaching imagined reciprocal terms and conditions to that help without communicating them (I take your kids to school, you invite us to your party) can be a recipe for disappointment. But you aren’t the one ‘doing’ the favour - your DH and DC are.

I wouldn’t want my DH to just stop giving the lifts either if I was in your shoes but I think you should listen to your DH and DC and evaluate if your friend is being a CF and some kind of conversation warranted.

Op, do you think it's time for a rethink about how much your h does for this woman?

I mean, it's not necessarily stressful but it is really very kind of him to take on this extra work and responsibility every day, twice a day.

Your 'friend' is totally taking the piss with that alone and then not even having the grace to invite your dcs to the party.

Do you not see at all how she is actually having a laugh?

It's probably a good job she didn't invite your dcs to the party because now you can see that something needs to change.

I'm supporting your husband in this one. He has been doing your friend a massive favour and she's been incredibly rude to your children. I would not drive them ever again either.

Your friend is a CF

Unless the op is actually the friend in question here.....

I agree. And, rude , never mind ungrateful

😂 indeed… also that 18% could be voting YANBU to indicate they agree your DH is being petty for stopping the lifts, but also still think your mate is a CF

@Owlsz OP your friend must be a special kind of idiot to enrol her kids in a school for which she has no means of getting them to????? who does that???

Your husband feels understandably used. She either pays him or she gets the bus.

You must be the friend surely. Noone can reasonably think your husband is being out of order in this scenario- they've never even once offered to pay for petrol or expressed thanks or got a gift in any way?

How fcking rude can you be? - these "friends" are freeloading twats and you are a complete mug

Is this a bit of a reverse!? You are the wife giving lifts to your friend’s kids, your kids didn’t go to the party, you are happy to continue with the favour but your husband is putting his foot down as he is offended on both of your parts…
In both of those scenarios I would stop the lifts in order to save the friendship with wife’s friend, this situation shouldn’t have continued for such long time anyway

She is not really even a friend, just an acquaintance. What do you get from this so-called friendship? Your husband is right to drop the rope here. She has just taken the piss. I hope he holds firm if she belatedly offers to pay petrol money It is out of order for you to expect him to do your bidding!

Im with your husband.

Does she not realise how much of a favour you are doing her? It is breathtakingly rude to accept a free lift every day with no reciprocation.

I would understand the no invite thing if the lift arrangement was more of a transactional arrangement with her doing your family some kind of favour or paying a contribution to your petrol. There would be no expectation outside the lift arrangements.

But it seems she wants “its a friends thing -the friends do favours for each other because we are close” without actually doing any of the mutual friend stuff like inviting kids to birthday party.

I would have to say though that if it was a birthday celebration where only one special friend is invited then I wouldnt have an issue if my child wasnt the “best friend”.

Sounds like your friend is using your DH, he is going out of his way for her twice a day and she doesn't show any acknowledgement of that. You are unreasonable to have even expected your DH to do this in the first place. Nothing stopping you doing the drop off but expecting someone to for no thanks or reciprocation is totally unreasonable.

Yabu

Giving a lift every day is a big commitment. We see on here all the time posts from people who do not want to give other adults a daily lift to and from work as their commute time is theirs to decompress before and after work yet your dh is expected to give 2 kids a lift that he isnt even close to the mum(she is your friend) and his kids arent close to either.

She should have given a party invite and your kids could have decided if they wanted to go (and from op, they did)

The woman has shown where your family is on her list of priorities...shes a user and if I was dh I would be giving notice now that in new year the lifts will no longer be available. Its been a huge favour and massive help but it has run its course.

I know I’m late to this thread - but almost the exact situation happened to the parents of a friend of my DD. And that wasn’t as extreme as this (the families lived next door and shared lifts - it wasn’t all one way). But they never spoke again after their partygate incident. And, if I try to boil it down to the core, what the lack of invitation says is “we’re not friends; I’m just happy to travel with you because it’s convenient”. And this was hurtful in the case I referred to above. But for your DH, it must feel like a massive slap in the face. Especially as, as PPs have pointed out, it’s not fun ferrying around other kids! I sometimes take a friend’s child home with my kids. She’s a perfectly nice girl. But I completely lose the opportunity to have an in depth chat with my own kids when she’s there because it totally changes the dynamic. And I wouldn’t agree to do it on a regular basis just for that reason alone. So, yes, the fact that these kids have pretty openly stated that your kids aren’t their good friends would really irritate me too. So I too, I’m afraid, am Tram DH on this one. I’d also consider whether, rather than seeing this as an unprompted act of pettiness on his part, whether you should really see it as the straw which broke the camel’s back? He’s been doing the most enormous favour for a friend of yours, seemingly with no recompense or thanks. I wouldn’t be pleased with that. Maybe his reasoning was that the kids liked it and were friends? But if he’s been disabused of that notion, why should he carry on to his own/your kids’ detriment?