DH showing an unbelievable level of pettiness

[Owlsz]

DH takes and collects my friend's 2 children to school every day, as well as our two. We live a 20 minute drive from the school and it's on the way to DH's work.

My friend's child is having a birthday party but hasn't invited my DC despite being in the same year group at school. I don't see any problem with this as they have different friendship groups and my friend is inviting a limited number of children because of the cost of the event. My DC has indicated they would have liked to attend but understand why they weren't invited.

DH does have an issue with this and is refusing to take my friend's DC to and from school, starting from the next year, calling the non- invitation an insult. He is also grieved at my friend's attitude, so is probably using this as an excuse.

I've pushed him to reconsider but he has refused.

I cannot take the children to school as I'm at work. My friend has no other means of transport, there is no one near her that is travelling in the same direction.

The friend is using your husband. His reaction may be petty, but I can't say I blame him for his feelings. It's a parent's responsibility to get their children to school and she shouldn't be totally reliant on your DH for lifts. At the very least, she should be offering some kindness in return. Or paying half for the petrol.

Still not elaborating on your friend's attitude, that your husband doesn't like?

What’s the saying, don’t bite the hand that feeds you? Similarly, if someone is saving you an immense amount of money and effort by taking your children to school every single day and you don’t do anything significant in return, maybe invite their kids to your kids party? It’s a nice gesture and makes you look less like a user.

I don’t know if I see it as your husband being petty, this would piss me off too. I might also reevaluate our friendship going forward as she obviously doesn’t see us as friends, just someone who takes her kids to and from school. Every day.

I don't known if I'd get annoyed. An acquaintance and I give lifts to each others children through out the week , have a routine and we've only just started to know them and the child had a party recently but mine wasn't invited and I wasn't offended? Because they're not close friends at school?

This is a strange one! Is it a reverse, OP? Are you actually the 'friend', miffed that your decision to not invite these children to your child's birthday party has backfired on you massively? It's the only logical thing that would explain your posts - that or being in some sort of thrall to a massively entitled Cheeky Fucker! I considered you being a People Pleaser, but you don't express yourself the way a PP would; no handwringing at how to deal with the situation, no - straight to calling the father 'unbelievably petty'. As the inconsiderate 'friend' well might do. You express yourself coldly, formally, centring the friend and the friend's children rather than 'your' husband and children. It all screams 'reverse' to me.

So here's my tuppenceworth.

This arrangement shows a 'unbelievable' level of disregard to the feelings of this father. He is robbed of a shared time with his children, just him and them, by the imposition of two other children on him. (I cherish my memories of chatting to my son on the schoolrun. They were good times.) He had accepted this imposition, but this latest incident (the mention that he "is also grieved at my friend's attitude" alludes to it not being the first) has made him reassess. Why should he give up this private time with his children when it is 'unbelievably' clear that there is no appreciation of him or his children? He's right, it is an insult! He is doing a massive personal favour and being taken for granted. Nobody likes to be treated like that.

So, suck it up, Cheeky Fucker Friend, you are the author of your own downfall. You were being 'unbelievably' catered to and now you won't be because you've been 'unbelievably' rude.

so you’ll ignore the 82% and hundreds of comments agreeing with your husband. I understand re numbers at the party, but has this woman given your DH a christmas gift? Gifts for the DC as your DH has taken her child to school every day? I’d be getting him a decent gift as that’s a big favour. Seems he feels taken advantage of, and you should back him. Guess you just want to avoid a falling out with your friend.

He’s being ridiculous. Tell him to grow up and to just take the children. At least give the woman a term to figure something out if he really wants to stop. She may qualify for free transport?
does he have to go out of his way or does he literally drive past her house so he has to stop a couple seconds to let the kids in?

I, too, have wondered if the OP is actually the friend accepting the lifts for her children

Because otherwise, the marriage of DH (lift giver) and his wife (supposed OP) must be challenging 🤣

Yours is a reciprocal arrangement so that’s fine and I won’t be offended either. You’re both benefitting from the lift arrangement so no one ‘owes’ anyone.
In this arrangement, the friend is not even friends with the DH and he does all her school run with nothing in return, except attitude, disrespect from friend and his wife, I can see why he’s pissed off

I think I with your DH.

I agree with you that they don’t need to be invited and that should be accepted. But that would have stung a little. Would you invite them normally?

I think if that situation is just another small piece in a larger puzzle : of them taking a lift, not paying, not appreciating the favour, dismissing your kindness then it needs to stop.

Also, is it inconvenient? Does he need to go a different way, wait, entertain children in the car rather than focus on his thoughts?

@Owlsz

If he's been providing lifts twice a day and the kids still aren't friendly enough to be invited, it means it changes the dynamic and your kids would be best spending quality time with just their dad.

Why are you desperate to please this friend instead of supporting your DH?

Like others have said, you skirt around questions on here but want validation from the minority vote.

Marriage is a partnership, but it's him who's doing the lifts. As her attitude isn't great, why are you even friends with her?

If your friend can't be gracious enough to to teach her kids that kindness goes both ways, why should your DH continue to be a doormat?

She's saved enough of petrol/taxi/bus money to accommodate your two, it's a lame excuse.

Good enough for a twice daily inconvenience, but not good enough for an invite, your DH is right.

Will also teach your kids not to be mugs.

@endofthelinefinally , how is he an idiot for setting boundaries?
Are you one of those who finds anything a man does wrong just because they're a man?

As another poster pointed out. She doesn’t even like doing the school run for her own kids let alone someone else’s . OP’s dh was doing that woman a huge favour
Also, it can be quite stressful having to be in sole charge of someone else’s child
If OP’s dh is petty then so am I because I would do exactly the same thing

I'm with your husband.

Blimey. Absolutely not. The OP said this woman is her friend. Sometimes even if mums are friends the children don't gel but the mum wants to maintain the friendship. Maybe feels that as he is literally passing the door it might create a problem to refuse.
As the thread has unfolded it seems my initial supppostion was wrong. I now think op should never have offered in the first place as clearly they are not friends and the husband is not comfortable with the arrangement.
Whatever decision they make is going to be awkward all round I think.

I think I’d be swayed by my child’s view of it. If they genuinely aren’t in a friendship group with these other kids, and would not have expected to be invited if the lift situation wasn’t happening- then I wouldn’t be that bothered. If your child is kind of friends with them and a bit put out- then it makes the morning situation awkward for your DC. You said they don’t mind too much- but I’d talk to them a bit more about it.

Either way- it’s your DH who has the hassle of doing these lifts every day (every day both morning and afternoon is a lot!)- so it’s ultimately his decision.

Not the same thing. OP's situation is one sided, not reciprocated.

This shows that you are not friends. You are kindly providing a lift to an acquaintance who should be giving you petrol money.

I think your husband is right in being angry, as you do this woman a huge favour and you actually call her your friend, despite the cost, I think she's shown extremely bad manners and poor judgment.
I wouldn't not take the children to school if I were him as it's only them who will suffer, but I would tell her that, I think it's very rude of you not to invite my children when I do you such and big favour and you call my wife a friend, if it wasn't for the children I'd stop taking them, down to your bad manners, tell him to be upfront and tell her.
I have to laugh at the fact you call her a friend, friends do not do that to each other's children.

Only on MN would someone think 18% of posters agreeing with them makes them right.

Compounded by:

*He is also grieved at my friend's attitude, so is probably using this as an excuse.

Who wouldn't?

OP then ignores questions and is more interested in the lower percentage agreeing with her.

As others have said, if this is how OP behaves in her marriage, more reason to agree with her DH.

He's giving up quality time with his own children twice a day to pick up children whose mum gives him attitude. He doesn't have to give any notice at all if he wants to stop doing this unreciprocated favour. Her kids are 10/11 - they can bike or get public transport to school.

Yep- I agree. Even if the kids arent very good friends with them, you'd think the parents would have at least offered some money for petrol since its Christmas or got a small gift - just something.

I dont blame your husband- they are cheeky fckers.

This is true.

Your friend should have wanted to keep your husband happy, after all he's done for her.

The fact that she didn't care to, shows how ungrateful she is.

Odd how focused you are on your husbands choice and not your friends decision to exclude your kids. Of course at ten the kids can choose their guests, but if they travel in together daily and are in the same year group, then the mum should also be the adult and guide them towards choices that are fair. Maybe dad is sick of hearing her kids chat about an event his own kids aren't attending? Maybe they aren't nice to his children? Have you explored his feelings?

If your husband won't be upfront and tell her he's so angry, would you not tell her now ?
I'm sorry? But my husband will not be taking the children to school in the new year as he is very angry with you due to the party situation.