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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH showing an unbelievable level of pettiness

1000 replies

Owlsz · 19/12/2024 16:11

DH takes and collects my friend's 2 children to school every day, as well as our two. We live a 20 minute drive from the school and it's on the way to DH's work.

My friend's child is having a birthday party but hasn't invited my DC despite being in the same year group at school. I don't see any problem with this as they have different friendship groups and my friend is inviting a limited number of children because of the cost of the event. My DC has indicated they would have liked to attend but understand why they weren't invited.

DH does have an issue with this and is refusing to take my friend's DC to and from school, starting from the next year, calling the non- invitation an insult. He is also grieved at my friend's attitude, so is probably using this as an excuse.

I've pushed him to reconsider but he has refused.

I cannot take the children to school as I'm at work. My friend has no other means of transport, there is no one near her that is travelling in the same direction.

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 20/12/2024 00:41

LL99887 · 19/12/2024 23:24

they are at that age where the invites aren't decided by mum and dad, but are decided by the child themselves.

True - just as your husband is at an age where HE can decide who he wants in the car.

you cannot expect them to include my DC, and the exclusion of another friend, just to keep my husband happy.

Also true.

Just as you cannot expect your husband to go out of his way to take other people's kids to school, just to keep you and your friend happy.

This^ shows clearly that you can’t have it both ways.
Your DH does a favour to your friend. He does it every day five day per week. It’s very big. Even without the birthday situation it seems strange that the favour is so one sided. Your DH is not happy about this and it is absolutely his prerogative. He doesn’t benefit from this, his kids don’t benefit from this plus both he and his kids are inconvenienced by this so he refuses to continue.
If you want to help your friend it’s up to you but your DH doesn’t want to do that.

AlexaSetATimer · 20/12/2024 00:42

Mostunexpected · 19/12/2024 23:29

Of course she shouldn’t invite your DC just to keep your husband happy. She should have done it because your family (well DH) do hers a huge favour and it’s the least she should do to express some gratitude.

Exactly.

Your update just makes it worse OP. I feel like you're deliberately trying to rile us up more by being so utterly obtuse. Have none of the comments hit home at all?

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 20/12/2024 00:43

Blueless · 19/12/2024 23:21

The kids are affected too especially if they aren't really close to these kids. They probably have to get up slightly earlier and go home slightly later (and to us even 5 min in the morning makes a massive difference) and they cant use this time to have quality time with their dad. That is about 40min that op's kids and their dad could spend every day having private, personal chats.

This doesn't mean of course that you shouldn't do your friend a favour but I do think that dh and rhe kids shouldn't be taken for granted. It's not nothing.

Show quote history

This! Think “friend” is taking the mick here. She doesn’t even pay petrol?!

3luckystars · 20/12/2024 00:43

Ohthatsabitshit · 19/12/2024 23:34

So your dc have to endure her dcs company every day after school, missing spending focused time with their Dad but her dc don’t ever need to include yours? You are insane to have this be your chosen experience for your children.

This is so true. Those drives to school have been stolen from your children by a pack of users that don’t even like your children.

Cop on to yourself, you are totally wrong and should support your husband.

StrawberryWater · 20/12/2024 00:45

Team husband.

Give the guy a brake (lol). Your friend is totally in the wrong op.

Frozensun · 20/12/2024 00:47

Owlsz · 19/12/2024 23:19

18% of posters think I am being reasonable but none of them are posting any comments.

The child are 10/11 and they are at that age where the invites aren't decided by mum and dad, but are decided by the child themselves.

Plus, the party they are arranging only has a limited number of spaces, and you cannot expect them to include my DC, and the exclusion of another friend, just to keep my husband happy.

So, how much is it going to cost your friend to take her kids to school? Seems to be cutting off your nose - she’s saved time, effort and cost. Your husband has been tasked with something he gets no return for (and yes, he may have agreed at some point in the past)l The idea that you agree with her due to cost! She has effectively told him he’s the unpaid help. And you agree. Poor guy.

wandawaves · 20/12/2024 00:47

I actually think that 10/11yo is an awkward age to be the sympathy invite. So I don't agree that she should be obliged to invite your kid. And I don't think this reason alone should be the reason for your DH to stop giving lifts, as yes that would be petty.
BUT it sounds like he's over it in general, and over being unappreciated and not being given any kind of thanks, offer of petrol money or offer of return favours etc.
I don't blame him for being over it and wanting to stop. It sounds like this was maybe the straw that broke the camel's back.

Jeschara · 20/12/2024 00:53

I don't think this poster is interested in anything that disagrees with her.

She is more interested in her one sided friendship. If this post is true I am team husband all the way. I am glad he is not going to do it.

Why can't this woman or her partner if she has one take her kids. Your husband is not petty he has just had enough and you are to frightened to lose her friendship to see it. You need to grow up.

MissSookieStackhouse · 20/12/2024 00:54

Inviting your children would have been a small way to repay your husband’s kindness in taking them to school and back every day. I’m not surprised your husband is pissed off, I would be too.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 20/12/2024 00:57

10/11 is end Yr 6 / maybe Yr 7

What sort of party is it ( I know by this age mine were doing activity type or sleepover )

Do these DC come over to your house or do your DC go to theirs?

3luckystars · 20/12/2024 00:57

There is more to this. Why are you not annoyed at this woman for taking advantage and using your husband ?

tamade · 20/12/2024 00:59

Owlsz · 19/12/2024 16:21

What does that mean? Isn't marriage a partnership?

Show quote history

Not this one

Tinseltuttifruitti · 20/12/2024 01:04

It's so rare for me to be Team Husband on MN but here we are. How did she manage to even enroll her children if they had no means to get there ?

mathanxiety · 20/12/2024 01:12

Owlsz · 19/12/2024 23:19

18% of posters think I am being reasonable but none of them are posting any comments.

The child are 10/11 and they are at that age where the invites aren't decided by mum and dad, but are decided by the child themselves.

Plus, the party they are arranging only has a limited number of spaces, and you cannot expect them to include my DC, and the exclusion of another friend, just to keep my husband happy.

I think you should assume some people voted YANBU by accident.

At age 10/11 the child is still learning from the parent, and the parent needs to teach the child manners. Very basic manners, in fact.

The parent should find some other way to express her deep gratitude to your long suffering husband if the party she apparently can't inflhence in any way simply cannot accommodate your DC.

You seem to be painting this woman as a doormat who cannot say no to her children, and assuming she is like you in that tendency. I bet this woman has no trouble saying no to people when the alternative is a situation that would inconvenience her or coat her financially.

I gather from your belligerent tone that you have no intention of changing your mind about your husband or supporting him in his decision. That's a huge pity. You should be supporting him in teaching your children how not to be walked upon.

You should also be more concerned with what your husband feels than this woman's school transport predicament or your friendship. I'm guessing she saw you coming a mile off, and you resent your husband for seeing that when you didn't.

Your husband has a right to be happy. He doesn't have to be the doormat you want him to be. Your children have the right not to have to sit in a car with rude and unfriendly children who have snubbed them with their parents' blessing.

crumblingschools · 20/12/2024 01:13

Do all the DC get on?

Why does your friend not acknowledge in any way either by contributing towards fuel, bottle of wine (or two) for the favour your DH is doing?

Maybe she could pay for a separate trip to the party venue for your DC as a thank you

ChocolateAddictAlways · 20/12/2024 01:14

I am shocked your child wasn’t invited given the huge amount of help you provide for this family.

DH’s actions may seem overly sensitive/dramatic but I can understand where he’s coming from. It may not be the correct response but it’s not an incomprehensible one.

HappyTwo · 20/12/2024 01:18

I think at the base of this is you are worried about the impact of your friendship with the mum

MarkingBad · 20/12/2024 01:24

Owlsz · 19/12/2024 23:19

18% of posters think I am being reasonable but none of them are posting any comments.

The child are 10/11 and they are at that age where the invites aren't decided by mum and dad, but are decided by the child themselves.

Plus, the party they are arranging only has a limited number of spaces, and you cannot expect them to include my DC, and the exclusion of another friend, just to keep my husband happy.

I'm one of those that thinks it unreasonable for you to stick up for someone who treats your DH as a free daily taxi driver with no reciprical arrangement to help you or your children and then doesn't even give your children the chance to join a party. They might have different friendship groups but they travel together daily.

Your DH can change his mind and say he is no longer going to be used by this person as a free taxi service if he wants. I don't blame him, he is sticking up for his kids. This person has taken advantage of his good nature and when it comes down to it has no problem with ignoring his kids. She is the arsehole not him.

KellyB4753 · 20/12/2024 01:26

How many more years of schooling do these kids have that he drives in?

BettyBardMacDonald · 20/12/2024 01:34

Either it's a business arrangement or a social arrangement.

If purely business, she should be paying the equivalent of a taxi fare.

If social, your kids should be honored guests at any party she hosts.

She's utterly taking the piss. Your husband needs to dump her now.

HomeTheatreSystem · 20/12/2024 01:34

It sounds like your friend has taken the lead from you in this: your DH isn't going out of his way to do the lift so what's the problem? Of course he can pick up the kids and drop them off every day. But it is a massive problem to accept such a big favour and not show any appreciation to him for it whatsoever. You are both going to learn the hard way that good manners dictate you offer some token of appreciation to the person doing a favour you can't manage without.

MermaidMummy06 · 20/12/2024 01:35

I think this is more about the lack of reciprocation or thanks for the extra work your DH does than a party invite. It's bigger than that. Your DH feels used & has had enough - this is just the straw that broke the camels back. Your friend should be offering something in return, even just babysitting occasionally.

It's easy to volunteer someone else to do a chore, and call them unreasonable when they decide they've had enough.

Onceuponatime9 · 20/12/2024 01:37

I imagine your DH must find it extremely stressful having the responsibility of your friends children every day there & back from school,possibly having to wait for them on the return journey,worried if they're late to the car etc. I wouldn't be surprised if this is the reason he has now said enough is enough & using the no party invitation as an excuse to stop it. It's not his fault your friend has no other options. It's hard enough getting your own own children to & from school safely & on time. I don't blame him OP.

Crackbacking · 20/12/2024 01:46

MermaidMummy06 · 20/12/2024 01:35

I think this is more about the lack of reciprocation or thanks for the extra work your DH does than a party invite. It's bigger than that. Your DH feels used & has had enough - this is just the straw that broke the camels back. Your friend should be offering something in return, even just babysitting occasionally.

It's easy to volunteer someone else to do a chore, and call them unreasonable when they decide they've had enough.

Yeah if she had reciprocated in other ways before now i suspect it wouldn’t have got to this stage of the husband refusing to continue giving her kids a lift, whether she invited their child or not. I almost feel that this is a bit of a red herring and this is more the last straw rather than the sole issue he has with her.

ByHardyAquaFox · 20/12/2024 01:46

Your husband is assuming a big responsability for taking these children out of courtesy. I can totally appreciate his feelings of being taken for granted.
Maybe if it was you who did it, you would feel different.

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