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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH showing an unbelievable level of pettiness

1000 replies

Owlsz · 19/12/2024 16:11

DH takes and collects my friend's 2 children to school every day, as well as our two. We live a 20 minute drive from the school and it's on the way to DH's work.

My friend's child is having a birthday party but hasn't invited my DC despite being in the same year group at school. I don't see any problem with this as they have different friendship groups and my friend is inviting a limited number of children because of the cost of the event. My DC has indicated they would have liked to attend but understand why they weren't invited.

DH does have an issue with this and is refusing to take my friend's DC to and from school, starting from the next year, calling the non- invitation an insult. He is also grieved at my friend's attitude, so is probably using this as an excuse.

I've pushed him to reconsider but he has refused.

I cannot take the children to school as I'm at work. My friend has no other means of transport, there is no one near her that is travelling in the same direction.

OP posts:
GHGN · 19/12/2024 22:54

I am surprised that your husband does not even stop right now. Cheeky f. She can sort her own kids’ transport problem out.

Bollihobs · 19/12/2024 22:56

TBH I can see my Dad saying exactly the same thing!

"I give her kid a lift every day and she can't invite Bollihobs to the party??! Well that's the end of that then!"

And your friend choosing a school that she can't actually get her child to? What would happen if you moved away???

PinkGold · 19/12/2024 22:57

My dad gave lifts to kids we weren’t particularly friendly with. When they weren’t there it was a lot more relaxing.

I think your friend is so cheeky but has shot herself in the foot either way. If your DH was looking for an excuse he has got it.

I’m just surprised you appear to be taking the side of your CF friend rather than your DH.

Hijabimama · 19/12/2024 22:58

I can’t believe you can’t see the problem with your friend not inviting your child. I understand being open minded is great but I mean this is far beyond that.
your husband is actually right.

Blondeerror · 19/12/2024 22:59

Prisonpillow · 19/12/2024 16:13

I get your point and I always stress to my kids that not everyone goes to every party. But if I was their parent there is absolutely no way I’d not invite the child of the family who gives me lifts every day. I think it’s unbelievably rude. Unless they pay you?

Absolutely agree with this

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/12/2024 23:01

He is being petty but tbh it was extremely rude of your friend not to invite your child, as a bit of a thank you.

BigDeepBreaths · 19/12/2024 23:04

OP you have a detached and dismissive attitide to this favour your DH facilitates and appear to see only how it is convenient to your friend and not the impact on your DH.

-Your DH gives up quality time alone with his kids every day.
-He takes on responsibility for getting an extra two kids to school every single day.
-He undoubtedly has seen a dynamic develop between these kids over time, so regardless of the fact they arent in a core friendship group in school, they are likely bonded in their “car time” and he feels annoyed on their part by the lack of invite.

The fact that you fail to acknowledge any of this, labelling him petty, makes you VVU.

The friends behaviour is depressingly disappointing for an adult, but your lack of support is probably why he is standing firm on his decision and he is quite right.

RadioWhatsNew · 19/12/2024 23:14

@Owlsz It's interesting that you refer to the friend as "my friend" not our friend.

How long has this arrangement been going on and what does your friend provide in return for taking her children to and from school?

Original poster
Owlsz · 19/12/2024 23:19

18% of posters think I am being reasonable but none of them are posting any comments.

The child are 10/11 and they are at that age where the invites aren't decided by mum and dad, but are decided by the child themselves.

Plus, the party they are arranging only has a limited number of spaces, and you cannot expect them to include my DC, and the exclusion of another friend, just to keep my husband happy.

OP posts:
Manara · 19/12/2024 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WGACA · 19/12/2024 23:21

Team Husband here too! Your friend has scored an own goal.

Blueless · 19/12/2024 23:21

Not2identifying · 19/12/2024 16:23

[Following on from my earlier comment]

Instead of inviting your kids to things where they're not really wanted, I feel like it would be more appropriate for this friend to do something really nice for your husband - like very generous Christmas present, or something. It's him that's doing her a favour, not your kids.

The kids are affected too especially if they aren't really close to these kids. They probably have to get up slightly earlier and go home slightly later (and to us even 5 min in the morning makes a massive difference) and they cant use this time to have quality time with their dad. That is about 40min that op's kids and their dad could spend every day having private, personal chats.

This doesn't mean of course that you shouldn't do your friend a favour but I do think that dh and rhe kids shouldn't be taken for granted. It's not nothing.

LL99887 · 19/12/2024 23:24

they are at that age where the invites aren't decided by mum and dad, but are decided by the child themselves.

True - just as your husband is at an age where HE can decide who he wants in the car.

you cannot expect them to include my DC, and the exclusion of another friend, just to keep my husband happy.

Also true.

Just as you cannot expect your husband to go out of his way to take other people's kids to school, just to keep you and your friend happy.

MildredSauce · 19/12/2024 23:24

Owlsz · 19/12/2024 23:19

18% of posters think I am being reasonable but none of them are posting any comments.

The child are 10/11 and they are at that age where the invites aren't decided by mum and dad, but are decided by the child themselves.

Plus, the party they are arranging only has a limited number of spaces, and you cannot expect them to include my DC, and the exclusion of another friend, just to keep my husband happy.

Skirt around the questions you've been asked, why dont you @Owlsz ?! 😂

You're very keen to defend cheeky fucker friend and chuck your DH and his apparent integrity under the bus. What's all that about then???

CissOff · 19/12/2024 23:24

Owlsz · 19/12/2024 23:19

18% of posters think I am being reasonable but none of them are posting any comments.

The child are 10/11 and they are at that age where the invites aren't decided by mum and dad, but are decided by the child themselves.

Plus, the party they are arranging only has a limited number of spaces, and you cannot expect them to include my DC, and the exclusion of another friend, just to keep my husband happy.

Well you can’t expect your husband to keep taking your friends DC to school to keep your friend happy. HTH.

Moonshinebaby · 19/12/2024 23:24

I find this thread bizarre.

I don't understand how you are so much on your friend's side and not supporting your husband, when he's entirely reasonable not to want to do it anymore.

RadioWhatsNew · 19/12/2024 23:26

Owlsz · 19/12/2024 23:19

18% of posters think I am being reasonable but none of them are posting any comments.

The child are 10/11 and they are at that age where the invites aren't decided by mum and dad, but are decided by the child themselves.

Plus, the party they are arranging only has a limited number of spaces, and you cannot expect them to include my DC, and the exclusion of another friend, just to keep my husband happy.

You cannot expect your husband to provide a free taxi service twice a day for your friend and then sit back and say nothing when your friend can't even have the decency to invite his kids to their birthday party. You know her friends' kids, same friends that provide her an awfully big favour for no money and it seems absolutely no gratitude.

Maybe taken into account your husband and kids feelings and back them instead of letting your friend continue to take advantage of his generosity

toomuchfaff · 19/12/2024 23:26

My DC has indicated they would have liked to attend but understand why they weren't invited.

DH is on team DC it seems whereby you align with your friend. I'm with DH, your friend is allowing their children to exclude yours despite your DH giving them lifts everyday, and despite your DC wanting to go to the party, yeah we don't get everything we want in life, but we also get to decide which favours we continue to do and if DH wants to advocate for the kids by stopping the lifts for your friend; thats his prerogative. If you want to continue them, then do so but you can't stipulate that he continues an action for people he feels have disrespected his DC. I'd stop the lifts too. Cause and effect. DC learns that we don't get invites to every party, but friends DC learns that you don't bite the hand that's feeds you.

OrigamiOwls · 19/12/2024 23:26

LL99887 · 19/12/2024 23:24

they are at that age where the invites aren't decided by mum and dad, but are decided by the child themselves.

True - just as your husband is at an age where HE can decide who he wants in the car.

you cannot expect them to include my DC, and the exclusion of another friend, just to keep my husband happy.

Also true.

Just as you cannot expect your husband to go out of his way to take other people's kids to school, just to keep you and your friend happy.

100% this.

Your DH is the one doing the lifts. If he doesn't want to do it any more then you need to respect that. You aren't doing anything here, your DH is.

Brefugee · 19/12/2024 23:29

Owlsz · 19/12/2024 23:19

18% of posters think I am being reasonable but none of them are posting any comments.

The child are 10/11 and they are at that age where the invites aren't decided by mum and dad, but are decided by the child themselves.

Plus, the party they are arranging only has a limited number of spaces, and you cannot expect them to include my DC, and the exclusion of another friend, just to keep my husband happy.

it feels like 90% of people who have posted have asked you what it is about your friend's attitude that has riled your DH?

And i seriously don't understand how you don't get what everyone is saying: you have roped him into taxiing your friend's DCs around, but "we are doing the favour". Are you going to answer or just keep posting that you're right, and your DH and everyone else is wrong?

Mostunexpected · 19/12/2024 23:29

Of course she shouldn’t invite your DC just to keep your husband happy. She should have done it because your family (well DH) do hers a huge favour and it’s the least she should do to express some gratitude.

Yabadabadu · 19/12/2024 23:34

@Owlsz 18% of voters voted YANBU by accident clearly. You are obviously being very unreasonable .

Ohthatsabitshit · 19/12/2024 23:34

So your dc have to endure her dcs company every day after school, missing spending focused time with their Dad but her dc don’t ever need to include yours? You are insane to have this be your chosen experience for your children.

Ihatemondays1962 · 19/12/2024 23:34

I think your husband is right too. It's poor manners on your friends side not to invite your children. I can see why he's taken the decision to stop giving lifts.

Grammarnut · 19/12/2024 23:36

I don't think you are unreasonable but I do think your DC should have been invited to the party. It's hurtful and somewhat surprising in that not doing it puts a spanner in the works. Did it not occur to your friend that your DH is doing a massive favour, and that inviting an extra DC to the party is no skin off her nose, whereas no longer having a lift to school is going to be a problem?
I think your DH is a bit harsh but he does have a point - the one I've just pointed out.

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