DH showing an unbelievable level of pettiness

[Owlsz]

DH takes and collects my friend's 2 children to school every day, as well as our two. We live a 20 minute drive from the school and it's on the way to DH's work.

My friend's child is having a birthday party but hasn't invited my DC despite being in the same year group at school. I don't see any problem with this as they have different friendship groups and my friend is inviting a limited number of children because of the cost of the event. My DC has indicated they would have liked to attend but understand why they weren't invited.

DH does have an issue with this and is refusing to take my friend's DC to and from school, starting from the next year, calling the non- invitation an insult. He is also grieved at my friend's attitude, so is probably using this as an excuse.

I've pushed him to reconsider but he has refused.

I cannot take the children to school as I'm at work. My friend has no other means of transport, there is no one near her that is travelling in the same direction.

As your friend couldn't invite your DCs due to 'the cost' , has it never occurred to her that petrol isn't free ?

Never came back to elaborate on the friend's "attitude" that husband was unhappy about then?

Exactly.

"Heads I win, tails you lose."

I'm with your husband on this. I think she's being unbelievably rude to not ask your DC. You're doing her a massive favour and the least she could do is to invite your DC.

Tbh I agree with your Dh on this one a invite is the least she could do while your husband is giving her kids Free lifts if she has no way of getting her kids to school then that's her problem not anyone else's

Will OP be back? This really hasn’t gone her way, so it seems unlikely.

Well we all are team husband here, so OP what’s your thoughts now, either you are trying to think of a huge drip feed to turn the tide of opinion, something like husband is paying off his debt to your friend for running over her cat or he’s actually driving the school bus for all these kids, or hopefully it’s that you’ve realised that your ‘friend’ is another of life’s users, and you won’t ever hear from her again when these lifts stops, hopefully you will support your husband in not being used anymore!

Her inability to get her kids to school is definitely not your husband’s problem and if he doesn’t want that responsibility anymore then it is up to him to make that decision. It seems pretty cut and dried to me.,

I love this 🤣🤣

Your friend is the petty one, not your DH.
Do you often unreasonably back your friend over your DH?

Well that's up to him isn't it? If one person who isn't you refuses to do something for another person who isn't you, it's out of your control, and strictly speaking, nothing to do with you. Presumably your H plans on telling her himself and she will be able to tell him directly that he's petty if she wishes. Don't be his messenger, direct any complaints from her back to him, and get on with your own stuff.

I like your attitude @Owlsz - I think the world would be better place if everyone (I include me in this) didn’t take things so personally or overthink it.
Is it a massive hassle for your DH to take them? If not, then it is merely a case of doing something helping someone, without additional hassle for you/him. Why would you not help? (Rhetorical)
And why would you expect a party invitation for your DC if they are not particularly friends with that child? (Again, rhetorical)

Another one who is entirely on your DH side in this. TBH you sound a bit of a doormat for your friend in the way you are determinedly fighting her corner rather than supporting him.

And she has the unmitigated gall to deny an invite to your DC on cost grounds, of all things. You don't mention how long your DH has been providing these lifts, but from your description that is about 2 hrs driving time a week plus fuel plus childcare which he has contributed.

Your DH probably also assumed he was doing a favour for a friend. Unfortunately she has made it only too obvious that his generosity is completely unappreciated and she regards him as an unpaid chauffeur and child help. I would also love to see the look on her face when she realises what her short sighted selfishness has cost her.

'I cannot take the children to school as I'm at work. My friend has no other means of transport, there is no one near her that is travelling in the same direction'.

Oh well she's stuffed then isn't she?

How rude is your friend!!!
Your DH is right.
Grow a backbone for your children lady!

Team Husband here too. End of free lifts.

Your DH has done this huge favour for your friend when he could have had time with just his own children chatting about things. This car time is important and I agree with your husband - he has given this time up for your friend and the non invite shows clearly that your friend doesn’t value the huge favour he does.

Your husband is absolutely right to stop the lifts.

This is the FED principle in action:

F - a favour becomes an E - expectation which becomes a D - demand.

Your friend now demands (by this I mean she doesn’t feel she needs to show appreciation in any way) the lifts. Time to STOP them.

This is not a partnership, there's no impact on you. Team DH, rather obviously. She's a very cf! Surely she's aware that this will cause ructions? V possibly a reverse?

I'm Team DH too.

When my DC were at school I ended up being asked if I could give lifts to and from school for a short while to one of DC friends as her fathers car wasn't working.
It was only a couple of months until Christmas. No problem.

Except I would constantly be kept waiting because she was constantly over sleeping and then she'd go to after school clubs and nobody would tell me so I'd be sat with my DC waiting not wanting to leave in case she had no way of getting home. Christmas came and went, not even a Christmas card never mind a thanks and it became apparent that she was still expecting lifts.

Although she lived on a route I could get the DC to school via, when the weather was bad it was treacherous going that way (Country lanes, in the Winter it was really icy that way due to fields flooding) and I'd sooner have not gone that way at all, it was a much longer way round, but didn't want to let them down because I knew her father was a single parent and obviously couldn't afford to get the car fixed.
Continued until Easter with me becoming more and more fed up with being kept waiting because she wasn't up.
It stopped because when the DC were breaking up for Easter her father rocked up in a new car. I was shocked because his car was broken, right, and he couldn't afford to get it fixed.
Turns out he'd bought that car about a month after I started giving his daughter lifts and liked a lie in himself so with me doing the grunt work he was able to chill more 😳
That was old me. I'm still annoyed with old me for that.
Me these days would have nipped that bullshit in the bud after a month.

I'm with your husband on this one. They're getting an amazing deal from him, he's doing the lion's share for everyone. Your child even said they would have liked to be invited. Not cool from them.

She should be paying your DH for petrol, maybe every other week. Even though he goes that way anyway taking your dc, friend should contribute.
Your DH is right to be annoyed that an invitation hasn't been extended to your dc.
She isn't a friend.
You don't owe her, but I get you want to help and don't want to make it difficult for the children who are innocent in it. As a single mum myself I'll take all the help I can get, but I'd be giving you money for fuel and inviting you over for the party because you make my life so much easier with your kindness.

I'm rather puzzled by the fact that she has no other means of getting her children to school. How old are the kids? Has this arrangement always been in place? Did you know each other before the kids started at the school? What would she do if your husband got a different job/fell ill/moved house? So many questions.

Your friend sounds like a bit of a user. She should have invited your kids to the party!! Two extra kids at a party.... in exchange for a taxi service every morning. What a cheap skate.

So your dc are not close enough friend to come to the party, but yet your friends happy for her kids to be taxied to school each day with these not close children. She's using you. Her kids are not your problem. Your husband is right.

Not petty at all. Sorry but I'm with your DH - your friend's kids see yours EVERY single day... TWICE! Yet, they have a party and your DC aren't worth an invite!? YES, It's a massive insult!

And as for 'friend is inviting a limited number of children because of the cost of the event' - I'm assuming she hasn't been giving your DH petrol money?

Absolutely team husband! Seems like a proper, involved dad caring about his kids feelings so much!