Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

I think they should be treated the same, but given the age difference I would have jumped on the chance to do something with the older child that younger one would hate or not be allowed to do. Not condoning the fact that the inlaws treat their bio niece differently from their step niece, but you missed a rare chance to indulge one child.

I would say that is a slippery slope - creates a precedent for the older DD to be continually ignored and left out by the inlaws.

I would have expected DH to stand up to his family and explain why you both were not letting younger DD attend.

In what way is a hypothetical question about adoption relevant?

The dd isn't adopted, so even if anyone could be bothered to hazard a baseless guess as to what his family might have done if she was adopted it wouldn't matter, because she isnt !

I've never seen my sibling's stepchildren as my nephews and nieces. They are nice kids. If I'm bringing a game I make sure it's one all can be involved in, I buy enough treats for everyone to enjoy.

I don't buy them individual presents or know when their birthdays are or anything, because we aren't related.

A blended family is blended within the household. Everyone else isn't actually involved in that.

Yanbu. I've said this a few times on here but the sucky attitude towards step kids, particularly in relation to this sort of thing, is what I have found the most depressing and shocking since joining Mumsnet. It's rare I can't see both sides of an argument but if I wasn't seeing it and black and white I would have said there's no way people IRL could possibly think it's OK to have this type of attitude towards a child.

I can kind of see both sides around something big like splitting inheritance, or finding a balance when the other parent is heavily involved (e.g. if your DD's Dad was taking her to multiple Christmas things). But this is a swimming bag and a panto. Honestly I know Im being dramatic but I just despair at the state of humanity sometimes.

I'm sorry I don't have any actual advice...it is difficult as I can only assume they think they are reasonable. But I couldn't not post.

Standing for your older daughter you will condition your younger relationship with you DH family. There is no win here. They are allowed to love their nice more than your older daughter and it is a shame your older daughter father is a knob but it is what it is.
If your older daughter had a loving father and a lovely father family I am sure you wouldn't push your younger to do activities with them.
You are upset because it look like your older is let down but is primarily let down by her own father family. Your DH family and her are not related in first grade.
If I were you I would let your younger go and have a meal with the older on my own and do some little crafts shopping to make her day special.

So your DD is invited without you and your husband?

What a bizarre dynamic.

I'm a child of divorce/step child & half sibling and I regularly think mumsnet is being nuts about 'fairness' and 'step parents' but in this case I get it.

There different types of step parent, if you are with the non-custodian parent who see the kid every other weekend then its wildly different from being the full time parents partner who the child lives with 24/7 and where the non custodian parent is a deadbeat.

There is a big difference between a step parent that is just part time or visitation bio-parents new partner and being essentially an adoptive parent to a step child. If your DH has been the full time dad to your oldest in the absence of her father for 5+ year and she is raised full time with her half sibling just like full siblings then he IS her dad (blood or not).

The issue is you can't force HIS family to spend money on your eldest but you should not allow exclusion either so you can stop unfairness.

Even without the step sibling issue its odd that she is taking MIL & SIL & wants to take your DD but not you & DH anyway. Its a family event where 'family' is being oddly cherry picked. My kids aren't step sibling but even so would not send my 3 year old off alone, she would melt down without me and is hard to handle (trust me I did 2 panto with her this year and she was a clingy yet hyper nightmare).

People who treat children like this are not good people.

It really is that simple.

She essentially is though without the paper work.

OP DH is her DD full time male role model in the absence of her bio father.

If she was the same age as your younger DD but was adopted would she also be left out? And would people say "oh yes that's fine because she's not really related to the SIL"

This place astonishes me sometimes, so many backward thinkers. Or rather, non-thinkers.

There are lots of events that I might invite my sister to that I would not invite my SIL to. My sister was also a bridesmaid at my wedding but SIL was not. SIL is part of the family but in a more indirect way. If she and DB broke up I expect I would never see her again. I will buy SIL a present at Christmas and will be polite to her, but she will never be equivalent to my sister.

Similarly, I wouldn't want a child to be upset so if there was a step-nephew/niece in my life I would try to include them, but it would be to be nice to them rather that really thinking that they were exactly the same as a more direct family member.

People are being unrealistic and idealistic if they expect others to see the step-children as exactly the same as non-step children.

I would say telling people what "should" happen is never a great strategy. You can see from this thread that opinion is divided. It doesn't matter if your child is lovely and beautiful - I'm sure she is, but presumably you would want the same for any child.

You could send something like

Thanks - would you consider bringing DD too because she and DD2 love going on outings together (if they do) and I know she'd enjoy the day out with you and MIL (if she would). Happy to pay for her seat.

You are asking quite a lot of them - pay for extra ticket, cater for different age groups, and that's assuming your children get on well and DD1 copes well with this kind of outing. You can't say they "should" do this, but it would have been okay to ask.

The main question you need to answer OP @ThatRubyMoose is what sort of a relationship does your DD1 have with your DH's family?

Are they close?

What does she call them?

This situation is dependent on all that.

Adoption is not simply being a full time role model

Adoption isn't "paperwork"

Being a full time step parent is not the same as adopting a child.

Actually OP, thinking of it, you should have nipped the Christmas treat thing in the bud by booking something for you , the girls and your DH to go to together then you could have said to your sil that you had arranged a family treat for your whole family so she didn’t need to book tickets for your girls. Maybe bear in mind for next year.

Blended families are messy and you cannot expect people to treat children they have no blood link to as “family”. These threads are so common.

There are plenty of other days to do that. DD1 being excluded from the family outing is the issue. Not the OP needing DD2 looked after.

Op & DD1 can go out & her DH can spend time with DD2.

What about when you adopt your step child?

What do you mean? Are you saying that the role doesn't change? Of course it does.

If step parenting was the same as adoption, no step parent would need or want to adopt!

It may not appear different on the surface, or in the day to day interactions, but it's a massively different relationship for both parties!.

What do I mean? It was an actual question. I think you're generalizing.
Every relationship is going to be different and some step kids are going to be closer to their step parent than another adopted child may be to theirs, and vice versa.

There is no hard and fast "rule" about it, which you seem to think there is, sadly.

It's you that is not thinking. You are jumping on the bandwagon of 'adoption' as if that makes any sense at all. It does. There is no adoption here so to keep bringing it up is moot, and distracting.

I'm not generalising about anything. I'm stating simple facts about the legal nature of adoption versus step parenting.

I'm making no generalisation about the quality of relationships. I'm just frustrated that people think there's no difference in the role and responsibility between the 2.

*it doesn't

Adoption just isn't relevant on this thread.

You can’t ’force blend’ families, try as some people might. The elder daughter is not the SIL’s niece and the SIL doesn’t see her as one. Why should the younger daughter miss out? The elder daughter has family which the younger one doesn’t share surely? Some of us would have included both girls, some people wouldn’t - but forcing the issue isn’t going to go well is it.

If I was your SIL, I would have invited both. Your daughter isn't her niece, so what? She's part of the family. Some of these comments are depressing to read.