Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

Well by the same token then, it is depressing to read that people blend their families without any thought or consideration for the wider family who will be expected to integrate - and for the children concerned who will have to live with the consequences when all in the garden isn't rosy.

It's a bit selfish all round really and it's the children who take the brunt. If I were the OP's wider family I wouldn't leave out the older child but by the same token, I wouldn't feel the same way about them as I would for my younger (actual) niece.

Blood is thicker than water. It just is. Whatever people say and whatever nonsensical memes are parroted onto twee gifs.

You are right imo. Both or none and she's the one starting the slippery slope.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Hiw do you know there wasn't wider consideration of the family?

Would people then not get married because a sil might not ( in the future) vote a child to an event?

No one had said that they need to feel the same but surely it isn't that difficult to invite both children at Christmas? It's a small kindness really

This is so sad @ThatRubyMoose. I'm of the view, that if your DH treats your daughter as his own, and they have a good father/daughter relationship/bond that she absolutely should be included.

I find it so sad that his family are treating her like this when your husband is helping to raise her and has been in her life for years.

I would say that I'd be disappointed that your DH did not say anything to his MIL after her uncalled for veiled threat!!! In my view, he should have replied "it's upsetting to me as your son that you and my siblings choose to exclude insert name that I am raising as my own daughter. I have two daughters, and I would appreciate if you treated my children equally, as I do."

At the end of the day, you cannot force them to be decent human beings, but making the point might sow some seeds that their behaviour is unkind.

It's not a rare chance at all. Not if her DH is a decent bloke. Anytime they want they can take a child each & do different things that are more age appropriate.

There is absolutely no parallel to my eldest going out with her dad. He and his family wouldn’t be able to pick my youngest out in a crowd

But that's not the fault of either of the children though. Imagine it from their perspective, when they're, say, 16.
You allow oldest to see her side of the family alone, without youngest having to be invited (despite it being rare).
But you will not allow youngest to see her side of the family alone because the oldest isn't invited.
She could well grow up to resent this disparity - even if you do think you are being 'fair'.

Everyone can read your post that I replied to and the one you replied to.

So people saying your eldest isn't family... well neither were you until you married your OH.
So only non blood adults can join a family ?

OP your little girl should be included....maybe one day the SILs will be on second marriages and the shoe could be on the other foot.

The sound very mean.

the "less involved family" is a good point here. OP would you feel as strongly about this if eldest DD's father and his parents/siblings/extended family were much more involved in your DD's life?

If they were seeing her weekly, taking her on multiple excursions, including Christmas teas, etc., presumably you wouldn't be expecting them to also include her younger sibling, who is no direct relation to them at all? If that was the case and DD1 was going out with her aunty and cousins on her father's side on the weekend would you be okay if DD2 went out with her aunty and cousins on her father's side? In which case it's not the actual concept of not treating blood and non-blood relatives the same you object to, it's only that because of DD1's specific circumstances you don't want her to be at a disadvantage. But that would be the same whether you hadn't got together with DH or not - either way she wouldn't have an extended family whereas DD2 does have that opportunity.

Things aren't always going to be fair in life. At some point one of your DC will have opportunities/advantages the other won't, and vice versa. That's the same even when siblings are full-blood related. On one hand I thought "ffs don't be mean, it's a trip and meal at an affordable restaurant, just take the older DC as well." But then when does it end?

Most people would agree it's nicer to treat step kids the same as blood relatives when it comes to smaller things, like trips out or buying them Christmas presents, etc. But when it comes to DHs parents, for example, leaving an inheritance to their DGC....do they still expect them to equally include a step grandchild then, when it could make the difference of tens of thousands of pounds less going to their "own" GC?

Most people might not be as accepting when you're talking about that level of "equality". In which case it could be argued it's fairer and kinder to the step GC to draw the line early, so they understand the difference between "my sibling's GC, who is always polite and nice to me but we have no direct relationship" rather than them being hurt aged 18 or 21 or 30 when it's "I've known them since I was 5, they always treated me the same as my sibling and I considered them my grandparents, but now they are buying my sibling a car/paying for university/left me out of the will and I'm wondering whether our whole relationship was a lie."

I think your daughter's relationship with her bio dad's family is irrelevant - it would be nice if your husband's family considered your daughter family too regardless of a deficit on her side. But rather than texting s'n'l saying your youngest couldn't go because she had not invited her eldest despite their being other children a similar age (which is irrelevant) I would have asked hubby to speak to s'n'l about inviting your eldest and gone from there. You took a stand and now its awkward - it would have been better for hubby to discretely sorted out.

YANBU. Your daughter lives with you full time so she’s just as much part of your husband’s family.

Oh the whataboutery is strong on this thread. What about people who marry into families, what about adopted children yadda yadda - none of this is relevant.

To put it in the MOST basic terms. A child has two parents. And only two parents. OP's older daughter has her mother (the OP), her father and her step father. However lovely and great the OP's husband is, he is not the child's father. The child's father is elsewhere and it is not the husband's fault he is a feckless waster. Lots of people have feckless wasters for one or other parents.

OP is now wanting to forget the feckless waster and try to pretend that it never happened and that actually, her DH is the father of both children. Which clearly he isn't. DH might be happy to go along with that and fair play to him if he does. But OP and her DH cannot expect everyone else to play along with their wee fantasy of happy families and pretend her previous relationship never happened.

In any family there are situations where one child is invited to something and others are left out, whether it's a family thing, or a party or whatever. That is life. OP needs to deal with this in whichever way she usually does when the older child comes home with a party invite which doesn't include the younger, or when she's off for a Brownie sleepover or whatever. Yes it's a pity you can't go to X, but let's do this other exciting thing instead.

Blood is thicker than water. It just is. Whatever people say and whatever nonsensical memes are parroted onto twee gifs.

Never read such bullshit.

For whatever reason they don't like your eldest DD and sadly there's nothing you can do to change that. Would you prefer they invited her along and then ignored her or made polite strained chit chat where she'd feel even worse?

It's not right to deny your younger DD having a relationship with the family because she hadn't done anything wrong. You DH's family will never make up for how your eldest DD is ignored/neglected by her dad and his extended family - and while it sucks that your in-laws don't make an effort with her you can't change it. Treat it as friends of DD's - there's every chance one of them may not have friends and get invited anywhere, you wouldn't expect the other child to give up on outings would you?

What you can do is ensure you and DH spend quality time with her so she knows she's loved. You can take a stance and not make an effort with your in-laws and insist DH has a conversation to understand why they don't like your DD. You can't change it but you can allow both children to have different relationships with people, as this is also preparation for school and life in general. It's not great but denying one DD isn't going to benefit the other DD at all.

I would discretely ask if they could take the older one as well, explaining that you are all one family etc (and your husband should back you on this, or even better he should be the one saying this to his sister).
If not, I would offer to pay for the older child to go along too. She doesn't need to know who is paying for her ticket, and will feel involved.

I personally would have invited both children but can see both sides of the coin.

You can't demand love and inclusion from one's own relatives, never mind non-relatives! My in-laws never included my dc in, just did not - their own blood. I was bewildered, but learnt to live with it. They included my dh's sisters' children in though. Does you dd1 know he is not her dad? If she does, she will understand, but if she thinks your dh IS her dad, this might be a problem.

It's upsetting and unfair for your daughter to miss out on activities, just because she's not blood related. Personally, if it was me, I would have invited her, as I'd have wanted to treat both girls the same. However, not everyone thinks like that, when it comes to blended families. Unfortunately, your SIL doesn't see your daughter as part of her family, simply because she's not blood related. As hurtful as it may be to your daughter, you can't force your husband's extended family to accept her. I would have allowed your other daughter to go with your SIL - it's not her fault her step-sister hasn't been invited. Presumably, your younger daughter doesn't go and visit her step-sister's Dad and extended family? So both girl's go on outings with families, that the other doesn't go on! Your husband needs to tackle the issue with his sister and other extended family members, but ultimately he can't force them to be more accepting. I take a dim view of people excluding a child, in this way, it's almost as if they're being punished for something that's out of their control.

If I were in your shoes, I'd do the same: they both get invited or neither goes.

If, as you say, your elder daughter has very little contact with her bio father and your DH is - to all intents and purposes - her dad then it seems very unfair to exclude her.

It'd be different if you'd only just got together or her bio father had shared custody/a lot of contact time. But presumably you and your DH have been together at least 5ish yrs and your elder daughter is at all or almost all family events. At this point - as an auntie - I'd view both your girls as my nieces.

It's the two sisters, their children and DH (their brother)'s child who are invited. Not even DH - or their husbands - are included by the looks, so it's a tradition for just them at Christmas.

Given what a small group of female relatives are going, is it surprising the OP's older child isn't included? It's not like she's been drumped for Christmas, she just isn't going to one evening with her half sister's aunts.

Have they met and spent a lot of time with your 9yo DD since you have been with DH?

You can't force it, but there's nothing you can do about it.

I have two nephews through marriage. We lived a distance apart and didn't realise that one nephew's "girlfriend" was actually his live-in partner and that he was stepdad to two children. (We only knew that my husband had blood relatives after we'd been married a good while.)

I had only been organising Christmas presents for the other nephew's children. As soon as I realised what the situation was, I included the stepchildren.

I attended the nephew's wedding a couple of years ago and met the stepchildren for the first time. They're lovely.

Just replying to my own post here. Thinking about why some people treat step children differently:

If you and DH divorced, they would have no connection to your elder DD. The connection is only there through marriage. However, their connection to younger DD is blood and DH, so even in a divorce she would be their family. If your DH remarried and had another DD, can you imagine them having to invite elder DD, younger DD (who may have a new stepdad if you remarry), the new DD from another wife - your DD will always be the outsider. If they don't see your marriage as lasting the long run for some reason, they probably don't want to invest in either of you. Which is brutal and silly, but can be how some people think when deciding who and what to invest time in.

As someone with a full time step parent who has been my dad in absence of my bio father since I was 3 year old, you are both ignorantly and offensively wrong.

My 'step mams' (bio dad partner) are nothing like a parent even though I get on fine with them and they where nice too me and I even saw them more than my bio dad. They where like an aunt (uncles wife) or cousin you see at family events. My 'step' dad who was my only male role model, who put in the time and raised me alongside my siblings (his children) IS my dad... he put in the work and deserves that.

What on earth do you think the difference is if not the legal paperwork that some how makes a full time step parent and an adoptive parent magically different?

The connection is through OPs DD's not marriage, the girls will never not be sisters and you can't 'divorce' that.

Also divorce does not mean abandoning kids you raised. My friends fiance raised her DD for 10 years from when she was 4, they split up during covid. Her DD still calls him dad and goes to visit him at weekend... he raised her for the whole life she can remember, he is her dad.

People here have some odd ideas about family on mumsnet. Blood or not is not what makes a deadbeat, the kind of person to step up and raise someone else's kids is less likely to abandon them we aren't talking a guy mam dated a few month we are talking someone thats been the dad for over 5 years.