Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

@Manypaws The OP cares that much - she has clearly stated that she wouldn't even offer to pay for her own daughter... she's clearly worried about her daughter's feelings...

Wrong again.

Pretty basic thinking really however what op has actually said is that she doesn't feel she should have to pay .,, huge leap to then decide she doesn't care about her feelings. Still not surprising that's that where your mind goes

And they’re not going to.

No one is tarring and feathering OP because a relationship went wrong, or tarring a feathering her at all. What people are advising OP to do is to stop expecting her in laws to provide what they’ve made it very clear they’re not going to, and to stop encouraging her daughter to consider them her paternal family. That her daughter is upset does not mean they’ve done anything wrong, and it isn’t something they have to fix.

"Mother taking responsibility for her life choices". Clear to me

No mention of expecting them to be her paternal family, expectation was that if you invite one child you invite the other

@Manypaws how entitled is the OP to think that she shouldn't have to pay for HER child to go - would she offer to pay if a friend was taking the children?

With her attitude, is it any wonder?

I wouldn't want to take another child with me and my nieces and nephews on a family trip - they are not family, not my consideration and not my problem.

I would consider her family and that's the difference ... different values

Yup. I don’t know why posters on this thread are so reluctant to acknowledge that this argument is about a difference in values .

It's awful

You think your values are better, superior. That's the actual point here..
And they aren't 🤷‍♀️

Yes, because ultimately that is her responsibility. She chose to marry and have a child with someone whose family didn’t and don’t consider her eldest daughter to be their grandchild or niece. If it was important to her that her daughter be welcomed into a family as ‘theirs’ and treated in the way her youngest is, then she chose the wrong man. That’s on her.

I said they were different , you really do try to twist words but just aren't very successful at it

It works best if you read what was actually said rather than fabricating your own version

Not sure why she would expect her daughter to be invited to something that only her PIL’s grandchildren are invited to when she knows that her daughter isn’t their grandchild.

@InterIgnis Jesus Christ what a terrible way to look at things. God help anyone who is in their second marriage, I'm not sure anyone would base their decision on " are the relatives going to take my daughter to a panto to in six years" 🥴

How very odd

@InterIgnis it's what most decent people would think

No one is refusing to acknowledge that. We’re not agreeing that yours are the ‘right’ ones.

Specifically about a panto in six years time? Obviously not, no. They probably should consider whether their child will be treated differently to any subsequent children, and if they’re willing to accept that though.

Yes, I think the behaviour of the in-laws - and your justification of it - is wrong.
This behaviour does not align with my core values , which include not behaving in ways that cause significant hurt to children, regardless of their DNA.
https://www.ethicssage.com/2018/08/what-are-values.html

You think it’s fine, because you place more significant value on “biology”, so you think it’s ok to disregard the feelings of people who don’t share your DNA.

of course you don’t. Because you have different values.

I'll happily have kindness as one of my values

From people that she’s well aware are ‘indecent’? Seems foolish.

That’s very different & you know it is I’m sure. I do actually know at least 3 Dad’s who take their child’s half siblings out when they take their own child. They’re not arseholes and don’t want to upset a young child!

Love this 🥰

@InterIgnis she wasn't aware until now