Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

So the adults have to stump up possibly over £200 rather than the actual parent have a frank honest talk with her children that they are different.

Not like ops wants to pay for her child either remember when that could also be a behind the scenes answer.

No, that's not at all how it works.

OP can have a frank and honest conversation with her child, that doesn’t mean she’s not going to be hurt. I get in your case you felt fine about it, but surely you can understand that not every situation will be like yours ?

Did you read the pp’s post about her son who cried when he wasn’t invited to his
‘cousins’ wedding? She explained that she and her sons have always been frank about it and her eldest is able to see ‘the’ (your) ‘logic’. And yet it doesn’t take away the pain.

The kid knows that her sisters grandmother is not her grandmother. She knows her sisters aunt is not her aunt. Children in families like this are not idiots, even if the adults around them are. It's perfectly reasonable for everyone to just acknowledge and accept that it's perfectly normal for a child to go out with their grandparents and not have to take along someone who is not related to their grandparents.

Stop causing an issue where there doesn't need to be one. Sure they might get slightly upset that their sibling is doing something fun they aren't, in the same way they might if it was a friends birthday party, but you'd simply remind them that it's not their friend and there is no reason they would be invited, and that siblings have separate social lives. Job done, move on.

THIS

Sure, and I’m saying that I don’t agree that it’s unkind (which isn’t to say it isn’t perceived as unkindness).

A child, or adult, being upset at something does not automatically mean that someone else has done something wrong. Yes, she’s upset that they don’t consider her family to them in the same way they do her sister. I accept that. What I don’t agree with is the notion that her being upset is the only factor of importance in this, and that it’s something they should feel duty bound to remedy.

that’s exactly how it works.
the measure of whether it is unkind , is whether it causes significant hurt to a small child.

Intent is not measured by reaction. My toddler is devastated when they don't get the pink cup for milk , it doesn't mean I'm unkind to give them the blue one.
You feeling hurt doesn't mean anyone has done anything wrong, it just means you feel hurt.

Intention isn’t here or there.

what matters is how it affects the child,

You think it’s ok to cause significant hurt to a small child (this isn’t a pink or blue cup, it’s the kind of hurt that has been demonstrated to have long lasting impacts on wellbeing and self esteem), because of your theories and logic and justifications,

I don’t think it’s ok to cause significant harm to a small child, regardless of ‘intentions’.

we’ll just have to agree to disagree as we have different values.

I don't agree that there is any significant harm. You've decided that. In fact you appear to be relishing in making it sound as traumatic as possible.
There's no need for any harm, people like you cause it.

I don't agree that there is any significant harm. You've decided that.

Sure. But the measure of that , is not what you think, or what I think, it’s whether and how it actually affects the child in question.

If it doesn’t cause her pain, then fine- there is no issue.

but her mother believes it will, and if it does, it is wrong however you choose to justify it,

This poor little girl has had significant harm inflicted on her by her dad and his family.

The rejection from a parent is hugely damaging and it will follow her for the rest of her life.

Her step dad’s family already do more than her dad’s family - they buy her presents and she goes to family gatherings.

Her mum’s husband’s sister is not a significant figure in her life. He dad is.

If her mother is like you, it's her mother that is causing the harm, certainly not her husband's family.
The mother should be setting the tone and parent the family she has created, not the mythical one she wants.

@DowntonCrabbie

Totally agree with you.

There seems to be an expectation for others to step up rather than the mother taking responsibility for her life choices by having a child with her ex, and it not panning out. That is not the youngest daughter's fault, nor her paternal family's.

The eldest isn't family as such - and it should not be forced - simple as that. The youngest shouldn't miss out because OP has children with different fathers.

other people may have caused a child more significant harm, it doesn’t justify or minimise further hurtful treatment by someone else.

There isn't any hurtful treatment though. You're not getting that.

They are treating a child who is not their grandchild as if she is not their grandchild. There is nothing in the slightest bit strange or wrong or hurtful about that. The only hurtful harmful thing here is other adults creating any other expectations for this child.

Of course it's hurtful treatment to leave a child out

It's all about values, I would welcome any child coming into the family as none of it is their fault

It would be better in this situation if the adults actually behaved like adults

There isn't any hurtful treatment though. You're not getting that.

I’m getting that’s your opinion. But I don’t attach weight to your opinion of what is hurtful treatment, because the measure of hurtful treatment is does it actually cause significant hurt to a child.
Not your theories about this that and the other.

Oh don't be s dramatic, it's about including a child not asking other people to parent her

Will we take op outside and tar and feather her because a relationship went wrong?

@Tandora You will never make someone like understand

You are right of course

And there is no reason for it to cause any hurt, unless people like you cause it.
This is the difference in the scenarios...you're the one causing the hurt. I'm showing how there doesn't need to be any. How can you possibly think you're on any moral high ground here?

How the hell is she causing the hurt???

unless people like you cause it

😂.

I think this is something like what they call DARVO on the feminist boards.

Bloody hilarious