Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

Why not? It’s possible? I posed it earlier: everything is the same except a full sibling/ bio fam member not a step.

No it's not. There will always be a reason why only one is invited. Here the reason is that the eldest is not SIL's niece and only youngest one is, which wouldn't happen with biological siblings.

If we concoct another reason for why a sibling would get to do something that the other wouldn't (e.g. the event is only suitable for children of a particular age) you would just say it's not the same.

@Tandora

It is a difficult situation for all. However, the child is older and old enough for it to be explained in my opinion.

The OP should make a fuss of the older child, and do something just them - that they couldn't do with the younger child.

I don't think stopping the younger child enjoying her family is fair - all because the OP had a child with somebody else before meeting DH. I just don't understand it. You cannot force the family to feel any differently

How about simply- One isn’t invited because they didn’t want to invite her. “It’s not GP’s/ inlaws problem that the parents chose to conceive another” 😂

Why is this so difficult to grasp?! 🙄 It's not a question of fault, blame or responsibility it's a simple matter of kindness, sympathy and just doing what's right! She's just a little girl , it's Christmas FFS!! 😱

There are lots of little girls in the world who would like to see a panto at Christmas. I wouldn't pay to take any of them either.

Also, no one else seems to have picked up that this isn't a bog standard cheapy panto - this is the Palladium. Tickets go up to £225, and there wasn't a whole lot of availability over Christmas to stick so many people next to each other...

I'm not sure why you can't grasp that other people don't want to spend money or time with kids that they don't have a relationship with. You cannot force someone to love someone else.

What's right would be if the deadbeat dad stepped up and took his own child to do something fun over Christmas! It's his child, FFS!

There are lots of little girls in the world who would like to see a panto at Christmas. I wouldn't pay to take any of them either.

Again the whole step child in your family is nothing more than a random stranger argument

@hiddeninplainsite What a lovely human being you are

Thank you. Have a wonderful New Year.

Oh I will

Forgive me if I've missed it, but I haven't read anywhere that the OP has explained what she has done to facilitate a relationship with her first child and her DH's family since they first got in a serious relationship. From her posts that I have read, she seems to think they should just treat both children the same automatically. I don't see why she would have that expectation unless she'd spent the last 4+ years creating opportunities for them to bond such as hosting playdates with other family children and inviting relatives over for tea/dinner with her DD around.

If you want to create a relationship where there is no automatic bond, you can't just wish for it, you have to work at it.

'invited their brothers child' 🙄
With his marriage their brother became Step-Father to his DW's daughter making her his 'step-child' and that relationship should surely go way beyond labels and words?
I already had 2 daughters (9 & 6) when I married my DH but he did not have children so this situation never arose BUT I can categorically say that knowing my DH as I do, if his family had behaved in a similar way as this mean spirited, unsympathetic and truly unkind bunch are doing with OP's little girl they would have been told a few home truths and to hell with the consequences, he would definitely have not tolerated or accepted such callous behaviour and I know I wouldn't have had to stand alone against them all like the OP is being made to do! 😱

'People here are so controlling. To think you can force people to see familial relationships that are not there, and force them to feel a certain way'..

I honestly don't know how many ways there is and how many times I will have to say this!! 🙄
NOBODY is trying to be 'controlling' or to make anyone 'feel' something' they don't feel but actually not 'feeling it' is the problem! Leaving aside the reasons they're giving for justifying themselves, DH's relatives seem simply unable to comprehend that their behaviour is callous, unkind and mean spirited and is absolutely no way to treat a child who btw, IS now officially 'part of the family' and should be welcomed as such?! 😥
That's the 'reality' and there is nothing 'fake' about it if approached with the right spirit and love, especially at Christmas I might add?

No, that’s not the problem, that’s your problem.

She’s part of the family as an in law, but she isn’t their grandchild or niece and they’re not going to consider her one because you and OP think they should. She isn’t biologically or legally their son’s child, she is the daughter of his wife. Incidentally, they also didn’t invite other children that aren’t grandchildren/nieces/nephews.

People are given their opinions as to why they don’t have a problem with it, same as you’re giving your opinion as to why you do. It’s fine if you don’t understand it/are horrified and hand wringing at the big ol’ meanies - you don’t need to understand it, and you don’t need to like it.

'You're directing your anger in the wrong place'...absolutely not and you are missing the point entirely!! !!!🙄
The shameful behaviour and callous attitude of DH's family would be the same no matter what relationship the child had with her biological family and I only mentioned that sad situation as a way to illustrate how much emotional baggage the child is already potentially carrying! 😥
OP is not in any way attempting to weaponise the lack of interest and contact with the natural father or to make DH's family feel that they need to be substitutes or that OP even sees them that way! 🤔
It's shockingly sad that they cannot show basic kindness and be welcoming to a young girl who has had to do her best to fit in with a completely new set of people, accept a new sister and step-dad and does not deserve to be treated differently in a situation such as this, it's not necessary and shouldn't even be a consideration, she should be included in the outing, end of..😠

You certainly like to keep stating the obvious and repeating irrelevant information to avoid making even some small attempt to grasp my point?🙄
All the things you have said are undoubtedly correct but surely you can see that while it's obvious OP's daughter is not their biological grandchild/niece etc that really shouldn't matter, in fact it would have no relevance whatsoever to anyone with a kind heart and even half an idea of how to treat a child, especially one who let's face it, really needs some extra love and affection?
You're obviously not one of those people though are you? 😥

Irrelevant, and yet at the same time correct. Funny, that.

I understand your point perfectly well, I just don’t agree with it. You may think it shouldn’t matter, but clearly it does, both to OP’s in laws and indeed many people. This isn’t in any way unusual, and really shouldn’t be shocking for anyone that doesn’t live under a rock. That many consider blood relationships as valuable above others isn’t a modern concept, and, conversely, nor is it an obsolete one. It is observable throughout history and across cultures, and this isn’t going to cease to be the case because you think it ‘mean’ and don’t like it.

Whatever she may or may not need, they are not responsible for providing for her. The failures of her father and paternal family are not on them to compensate for.

'Whatever she may or may not need, they are not responsible for providing for her. The failures of her father and paternal family are not on them to compensate for'...😱

I realise that asking if you can even read is a stupid question because obviously you can do so but I seriously doubt that you ever did English 'comprehension' in school or you wouldn't continue to repeatedly make such crass and irrelevant comments!

I give up, it's like talking to the wall, no wait a minute that might be more productive because you patently DO NOT understand my point! If you did and you consequently 'agree' with the need ABOVE ALL ELSE to be unkind, unsympathetic, judgemental and generally mean spirited in the way that DH's family are being in relation to a little girl then it says as much about you as it does about the kind of people they are...🙄
BTW the capitals are for emphasis, please do not accuse me of shouting!

Irrelevant, and yet at the same time correct. Funny, that.

It is correct , but irrelevant to the point that pp was making, which simply was that “biology” is no excuse for unkind treatment of a child.

I get you don’t even think it’s unkind because you have your theories and justifications ; yet the reality it is- it hurts the child who’s involved in the situation.

thats all

No one is denying it could hurt the child. We all know it might, but a problem now exists where one sister will be hurt either way because their Mum created a blended family, not because the in laws have a different idea of kindness to you.

You deciding it's unkind doesn't actually mean it's unkind.

Correct.

What makes it unkind is how it affects the child .

Oh, the irony.

My English comprehension is fine. The issue is that your aversion to believing that someone could understand your point and yet still disagree with you.

You’re very welcome to consider me whatever kind of person you wish to. I don’t need you to like me me any more than they do 🤷🏻‍♀️

but a problem now exists where one sister will be hurt either way

that’s not true at all. It’s perfectly possible for adults involved to choose different behaviour.

I’m curious as to if people would be saying it’s ok if the oldest child was adopted and the youngest biological? The step dad has taken this child on as his own and they should therefore be treated the same as any siblings!

No because the adopted child would be an adopted child of the family so treated the same - and would know the extended family as aunts and grandparents etc.

I agree that the eldest child is not the responsibility of the paternal step family and neither should it be expected that they feel a certain way towards her. If they do - great, if they don't - that's their choice. Having the expectation is appalling