Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

But they are in opposition to each other and they’re not fully bio siblings.

Why does biology mean that they are in opposition in one scenario , and not in the other?

If they were two biological siblings and one was left out of a special treat and mum said, “nope they both get it or neither” , you wouldn’t be saying “oh how cruel to deny the child offered!” You wouldn’t be accusing mum of preventing that child from seeing her family.
You’d recognise it was perfectly possible for her to see her family and have a happy life, without indulging in special treats denied to her sister.

The reason you are pitting the children against each other is because one is a step, and you see them in opposition rather than siblings, meanwhile you regard thr feelings of the step as less important and more disposable. They aren’t,

“Jealous” was the wrong word for OP to use- for the child excluded the feelings of hurt run much deeper than that. It’s not about missing a special treat, it’s about self worth, and feeling valued as a human.

@TandoraBut the younger one is related to the family and the older one isn’t. If you want the half-siblings to maintain a good relationship the youngest one has to go or will resent the older one.

I am constantly upset when my eldest is ignored by my in-laws but the boys just apply logic.

*see them as rivals rather than siblings,

half-siblings to maintain a good relationship the youngest one has to go or will resent the older one

But she’s only 4, how and why would she need to know? Or even really understand?

I can see as they get older it is harder, but then they can also make their decisions, so it’s different all around…. (And the 9 yr old will be a teenager too)

I am constantly upset when my eldest is ignored by my in-laws but the boys just apply logic.

Out of curiosity, in your family’s case, do you think it bothers your eldest, or do you think it’s more just upsetting for you?

Why does biology mean that they are in opposition in one scenario , and not in the other?

Because the opportunities open to them are different as a result of their parentage.

The reason you are pitting the children against each other is because one is a step, and you see them in opposition rather than siblings, meanwhile you regard thr feelings of the step as less important and more disposable. They aren’t,

They’re not in opposition as siblings, that’s not what I said or think. Assuming you are correct and the older dd will be devastated not to go to a panto with her younger sister and step family, then they are in opposition over whether or not it’s right for the younger child to go.

For the younger child, of course it’s right for her to go and have a lovely day in the west end with her Granny, Aunties and cousins. She will benefit for the experience and the time spent with family.

For the older child, (in your opinion) it is right that the younger child have the opportunity of a nice family experience taken away from her. Therefore, what is best for each child on the single occasion of a panto is two different things. How can you not see that?

“Jealous” was the wrong word for OP to use- for the child excluded the feelings of hurt run much deeper than that. It’s not about missing a special treat, it’s about self worth, and feeling valued as a human.

Hang on, weren’t you the one telling me that you think OP as the mother is in the best position to judge how her daughter will feel?

It is OP, her DH and her ex’s job to make their child feel valued as a human. It is not the responsibility of step auntie who just wants to do a trip to the panto with her nephews and nieces.

@Tandora
I used to be quite distraught. My eldest did have an involved dad although not one that was in a position to spend money though.
He cried when he wasn’t invited to a ‘cousin’s’ Wedding but could always see things logically. Stopping youngest from doing something wouldn’t have fixed anything or assuaged the eldest’s pain.

Hang on, weren’t you the one telling me that you think OP as the mother is in the best position to judge how her daughter will feel?

She admitted she used the wrong word.

They’re not in opposition as siblings, that’s not what I said or think. Assuming you are correct and the older dd will be devastated not to go to a panto with her younger sister and step family, then they are in opposition over whether or not it’s right for the younger child to go.
For the younger child, of course it’s right for her to go and have a lovely day in the west end with her Granny, Aunties and cousins. She will benefit for the experience and the time spent with family.
For the older child, (in your opinion) it is right that the younger child have the opportunity of a nice family experience taken away from her. Therefore, what is best for each child on the single occasion of a panto is two different things. How can you not see that?

So you would apply exactly this logic if they were biological siblings?

He cried when he wasn’t invited to a ‘cousin’s’ Wedding

i’m so sorry 💔

Stopping youngest from doing something wouldn’t have fixed anything or assuaged the eldest’s pain

No you are right. Presumably what would have stopped his pain is if the cousin had invited him.

So you would apply exactly this logic if they were biological siblings?

It is irrelevant whether I would or I wouldn’t because the children we’re talking about aren’t fully biological siblings.

it’s not irrelevant because the logic you just applied would follow exactly with biological siblings too.
All of those things you just said would be exactly the same.
So if that logic accurately and sufficiently describes the issues, it must follow also for full biological siblings ?

Biological siblings. The father always has rights and responsibilities.

Step children untill adopted can be here today gone tomorrow. When the husband already have one failed marriage behind him odds anit too great for this one either.

I honestly can’t believe people think it’s ok for them to take your younger daughter and not her sister. The swim bag story is heart breaking. I think you are absolutely right to reduce contact with DH family for your elder daughter (and yourself). It is sad that you DH can’t see how this could have a negative impact on your eldest daughter. It’s seems you will need to be a strong advocate for her as he might not be able to be fair as the girls get older. Well done for being strong. It benefits your younger daughter too as resentment won’t build between them. I really don’t think I would want either of my children spending too much time with these people. Their values do not sit comfortably with me.

@Tandora
He is now in his twenties, known the two cousins of his half brother longer than his half brother has.

I didn’t go to the first wedding and I am not going to the second.

Now my in-laws were not and are not bad people but biology is everything to them.

I would have taken this 9 year old to the bloody pantomime. But SiL like my in-laws, don’t see this step-relation as anything to them .

I am not disagreeing with you about the 9 year old and the panto but to deny the younger child a trip to the panto with her family would be wrong and more detrimental to the relationship with her half sister.

Trips etc have the potential to be so much more that the trips themselves. They create bonds with the participants.

If they were two biological siblings and one was left out of a special treat and mum said, “nope they both get it or neither” , you wouldn’t be saying “oh how cruel to deny the child offered!”

It depends on the circumstances. If a parent has 2 kids and only lets the older one go to birthday parties if the younger is invited too - to avoid the youngest being left out and jealous rather than for childcare reasons - people would quite rightly label this very silly and also mean to the oldest sibling. The younger sibling in this hypothetical scenario is not a friend of the birthday children. Even if it's something that the youngest would absolutely love, the invite is only for the eldest. It's weird to insist on equal treatment when the birthday child doesn't have such a significant connection to the younger sibling. You have to teach children that they won't always get the same things.

Turning back to the OP's situation, like it or not the step-dad's family have only invited the youngest and obviously don't feel much connection with the eldest. I don't think OP has said how many times they have met the eldest, but in any event I don't think it's surprising that they see the eldest more as the OP's relative rather than their own.

Ordinarily, you'd have the eldest go off and do something special with her Dad and family whilst the youngest does the panto. The eldest's dad is not great, so either OP needs to see if anything can be done to get him to up his game or make up for his absence herself. I don't think it's reasonable to expect the step-dad's family to step in to those shoes.

Would it be lovely if they did do so? Of course.

Are they unreasonable for not doing so? Not really, especially when OP has made it clear that they won't contribute financially and is cross that they haven't immediately treated her eldest in the way she wants.

It depends on the circumstances. If a parent has 2 kids and only lets the older one go to birthday parties if the younger is invited too - to avoid the youngest being left out and jealous rather than for childcare reasons - people would quite rightly label this very silly and also mean to the oldest sibling.

yes of course but that’s an entirely different situation.

The younger sibling in this hypothetical scenario is not a friend of the birthday children

not remotely the same

I see it differently because I live in the real world where children’s opportunities in life are directly impacted by the people who conceived them.

These children have different families so shouldn’t be brought up to believe that they will always be given the same.

yes of course but that’s an entirely different situation.

Yep, it's a different situation involving biological siblings. You were the one who brought up the different situation about biological siblings where one gets a treat and the other doesn't. Why did you bring it up if you don't think it's relevant? 🤷‍♀️

I get you and it sounds like it’s the conclusion OP has come to as well.

Nothing will persuade me the in laws aren’t complete arseholes though. And despite all this: “it’s not their responsibility…” - they are acting like arseholes and that is on them; everyone is responsible for not being an arsehole.

Sorry about your sons’ cousins too 😡.

The comparison of the party is a completely diff scenario: this isn’t that,

The comparison of the party is a completely diff scenario: this isn’t that,

You are not going to get the OP's scenario with full biological siblings, so I am still perplexed as to why you brought it up if you only want to discuss the OP's scenario 🤷‍♀️

Why not? It’s possible? I posed it earlier: everything is the same except a full sibling/ bio fam member not a step.

I'll be criticised heavily for this one...

I have a situation where my brother has a child with his gf, who has an older child from a previous relationship.

We don't really know the gf that well (bizarre in itself) but I would absolutely not be inviting her child if I wished to invite my niece only to a family meal.

If the whole family are invited - such as my DB, his gf and my niece, then her daughter would also be invited. This has happened on many occasions.

As harsh as it sounds, it isn't my fault that they are a 'blended' family - and as a family, I don't think we should be expected to invite them both. My brother would absolutely not expect them to be treated the same in these circumstances as she is not my niece, and really, nothing to do with us. If they split up, would we be wanting contact with the child? No. Would we want to see my niece? Yes. Should they only come as a package then? Where do you draw the line?

Sorry old post lost my place!!

What if you were told the child was upset though?
And you had known them for 6 yrs