Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

If they are in a typical/ usual relationship she does have the power to say no to extended family regarding the panto. And I was advising her to exercise this power/ agency. That was all.

And sometimes, even in otherwise strong and healthy relationships, situations can arise where all discussion in the world won’t make two parties agree, and someone won’t get their way. In this instance, it’s OP that isn’t going to get her way.

She of course has the power to say no, but she doesn’t have the power to enforce that no or prevent her husband from taking his daughter to spend time with her paternal family. She can try and persuade him, and even kick and scream and leave him, but she cannot stop him.

She did, and now he’s exercising his.

Evidently. You've taken over the thread now, it will likely run out of posts before you do. I'll stop here, you're determined for a clash and it's tiresome.

she didn’t dictate to her husband - his opinion on the matter changed.
Im advising her not to allow him now to dictate to her , under influence of his sister.

Why are we going around in circles? Can’t we just agree to disagree? You think she has no power here, I think that’s unlikely to be the case.

Everybody is presuming that the four year old in later life will be upset if she didn’t go to the Panto events. Depending on her relationship with her sister it could go the other way, she could say why did you let me go when my sister was the only one not invited ? I would have hated my sibling ( half or not) that I was growing up with to feel left out,It’s all very tricky tbf.

He was happy for the youngest to go, but he changed his mind to appease OP.

She isn’t in the position to tell him that their daughter can’t go and spend time with his family, and this is true regardless of whether they’re together or not. He is in the position to tell her no. She is free to choose how she responds to that, and she has. She has exercised her agency in choosing not to die on this particular hill, over something she cannot enforce.

If you don’t want to go around in circles then by all means stop replying 🤷🏻‍♀️

She isn’t in the position to tell him that their daughter can’t go

It is most likely that she is perfectly well positioned to negotiate with him that their daughter isn’t going to the panto.

She‘s in the position to try and get him to agree with her. She isn’t in the position to state definitively that she can’t go without her sister. He chose to capitulate to her this year, but he didn’t have to, and nor does he have to in future. Indeed, he’s made it clear to her that he won’t capitulate in future, and OP has decided she isn’t going to fight him on that.

he’s made it clear to her that he won’t capitulate in future

Yes most likely she has the agency to change that. So i was advising her as such.

@Tandora

Sure that’s your opinion, but I’m not sure why, since the mother of the child in question who is closest to the situation believes it will make her feel hurt and left out.

The reason why is because OP clearly feels very strongly about the way she believes her child should be treated by her in laws, so it’s not a huge leap of imagination to think that she might be projecting her own feelings onto her her daughter.

If the daughter spends her time with these people in a separate room reading then it could suggest that she doesn’t particularly enjoy their company and doesn’t want a day out with them anyway.

Obviously blended families work in all kinds of ways, and it’s not always necessary for everyone to blend, but imv decisions should always be made on the basis of the best interests of the children involved and not the adults.

I agree, decisions should be made in the best interests of the child. Maybe people should consider the potential for these problems when they create step families with people who don’t share their opinions and make decisions accordingly. People can’t make choices that might lead to negative outcomes for their children then complain that other people won’t fix it for them.

Why would you advise her to say no to her youngest child having a lovely day out with her family, when saying no could end up being hurtful to her?

Why do her feelings matter less than the older child’s?

You say that decisions need to be made in the best interests of children, but the whole point of the thread is that the things that are best for these two children are in complete opposition to each other. That’s what happens in blended families so it’s up to OP and her DH to work out how to do the damage control.

Because I don’t believe the best interests of the children are in opposition as discussed earlier in the thread. If they were bio siblings and one was left out, it wouldn’t be viewed in this way. It’s because one is a step; people are pitting their interests in opposition and arguing that one is more disposable than the other.

Yes that’s a fair point she could be projecting. Let’s hope so for the sake of this child. .

😂😂😂 Jesus Christ.

OP, being the one that actually knows her husband, doesn’t seem to think she can ‘most likely’ change that. But sure, she can carry on arguing over something she cannot enforce, even to the point of blowing up her marriage over it. It doesn’t seem like she wants to do that though.

OP, being the one that actually knows her husband, doesn’t seem to think she can ‘most likely’ change that

yes and I also pointed out to the op , that I didn’t think it was normal that she felt her husband could just dictate to her and suggested she reflect on it.

Bold assumption that she hasn’t reflected on it.

That she hasn’t chosen the course of action you would have preferred her to doesn’t mean she lacks agency, and/or hasn’t thoroughly considered the matter.

Sure. I was just offering my input and advice as it’s Aibu and all! (And to counter all the people telling her she was powerless and just has to put up with whatever her in-laws via her husband decide).

I'll never understand how people can be so cruel to children. Granted they are not blood but just be kind.

My brother bought his newish partner and her son for Christmas this year. It was the first time he had met many of us and he had an equal pile of presents to open as the rest of the nieces and nephews. He will be treated exactly the same as the rest of the kids.

Wow that is incredibly generous. To be honest while I would buy the new child a nice present, I wouldn’t spend the same amount of money as I do with my niece and nephew. I spend over £100 on each for Christmas - personal gifts for the younger and nearly all in cash for the older boy.

My nephew is saving for a car so my parents gave him a very generous cheque:

I am sorry but we would not do this for a child we were meeting for the first time. That’s a huge ask. I don’t think many people would.

we have a very different definition of child cruelty!

She doesn’t have to like it, and she can even leave him over it, but she cannot stop him taking their child to spend time with his family.

People have said she can’t control how his family views her eldest, and that she can’t dictate to him. That isn’t the same thing as being powerless - she has the power to decide to distance herself and her eldest from his family, and she has the power to leave him.

she has the power to decide to distance herself and her eldest from his family, and she has the power to leave him.

Yes . And also to do as I suggested above- negotiate a no to the panto.

Sure, she could also try and argue with him for as long as he’s prepared to put up with it. Or she could just do what she’s already decided to do, rather than cause more conflict by trying to enforce something she isn’t able to.

But they are in opposition to each other and they’re not fully bio siblings. You can’t pretend away the facts.

Making the decision to prevent one child from taking a lovely opportunity is actively detrimental to them. That doesn’t go away just because doing it might prevent another child feeling jealous.

It’s not simply because one is a step child that their interests are different, it’s just a fact of life that they have different opportunities because they have different fathers.

Maybe people. Shouldn’t create new families when they already have a dead beat parent to co parent with for the best interests of their existing child 🙃

That would be the best outcome rather than pitting a younger children’s enjoyment with their family against an older child with a deadbeat family. But that would rely on adult thinking with their heads overs their genitalia.