Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

You’ve been trying to claim that he can’t just make that decision when yes, he can.

I’m sure OP is well aware that she can die in this hill if she chooses to, but has decided it isn’t worth the potential cost.

So? Doesn’t mean that it isn’t in this case.

I'm encouraging OP to reflect on the fact that she either has more power in this relationship than she appears to think she does, or, if she doesn't, that's a big red flag.
One partner dictating to the other with regard to the children (including events involving extended family) is not normally how a healthy relationship works, regardless of your pretence that it is.

Nope, but probably it's not, and if it is that's probably a red flag.

She really doesn’t have the power to prevent her husband taking their child to spend time with his family, regardless of whether they’re together or not.

I’m not ‘pretending’ anything regarding the health or sickness of the relationship, and haven’t actually commented on that at all.

She really doesn’t have the power to prevent her husband taking their child to spend time with his family, regardless of whether they’re together or not

If she doesn't have the power to negotiate/ have mutual input into where her child goes and when then that's not a normal power dynamic in a relationship. Again, not sure why you are pretending otherwise.

How does the negation work really though in real life.

One of the two people basically has to give in.

One wants child to do the trip
one doesn’t want child to do the trip

There is no compromise really because asking for the extra child to be included isn’t up to either parent so cannot be the negation for a child spending time with their family, it’s up to the people inviting so your back to can she go or not? One says yes one says no.

Because it actually isn’t, or because you don’t want it to be?

It may or may not be, neither you nor I know. The fact remains that sometimes the only options you get to choose between are ‘accept it’, or ‘leave (and it will happen anyway)’, and this may indeed be one of these situations. Either way, OP has decided that continuing the argument isn’t worth the potential cost, whether that is ‘just’ discord, or divorce.

I didn’t say it was ‘normal’, ‘healthy’ or indeed ‘desirable’. Something doesn’t need to be any of those things in order to be a reality.

@1HappyTraveller Spot on

Yesterday, President Jimmy Carter died. His wife Rosalynn died last year. In her funeral Order of Service there is a list of grandchildren and great-grandchildren taking part in the service. Several of these are in fact "steps" (step-children and step-grandchildren of one of the Carters' sons), but the Carters made no differentiation.

I commend the Carters' example.

What Would people who would keep the younger child away from their family say to that child?

Well then I’m not sure what we were arguing about, because that’s all I was trying to emphasise to OP. If the relationship is normal/ healthy/ desirable then she has more power / influence here than she is making out (and she should exercise it for the sake of her eldest). If she doesn’t have that power then maybe she should be rethinking the relationship

youngest has never been invited to the panto before and presumably she still had a relationship with her family. Why is it panto or no relationship?

I placed no value judgement on it positive or negative. I stated that while she did not have the power to prevent him from allowing their daughter to have a relationship with his family. She doesn’t.

We differ radically on what exactly we think is unhealthy, abnormal and undesirable in this situation. I do not consider his stance to be the ‘negative’ one - i think hers is. I don’t think it was right or healthy for OP to prevent her youngest from going to the panto and spending time with her paternal family because the eldest wasn’t invited. I don’t think it was right or healthy of her to expect her in laws to consider or treat her eldest the same as their sister, or to allow her eldest to believe that they did. I do think it was right for her husband to say ‘no’ to her.

We don’t, and aren’t, going to agree there.

So now they have a whole year to set expectations properly to avoid the eldest dd feeling jealous or disappointed. And as soon as they find out the date that SIL has booked for panto next year, they will have plenty of time to book something else that would probably appeal to a ten year old more than a panto.

@Tandora, you seem very determined that this is cruelty that will definitely cause the child emotional harm, but you seem to be missing the point that it doesn’t have to be that way. Depending on how it is handled by the adults, it can be a non issue or a huge drama.

While it is inevitable that there will be issues in a blended family, OP has had plenty of opportunity to explain to her dd that her step family care about her, as evidenced by giving her a Christmas present but that they feel differently about children they are related to and that is ok. She still gets to grow up feeling loved and secure.

If since the birth of her second child, OP has been ignoring the differences her children will experience in future and pretending that the two girls have the same family so are entitled to the same experience of that, despite having different fathers then yes, the potential for upset for the eldest is going to be greater than it has to be.

She will find out though when her cousins mention it or aunty or granny say it was a shame. Then she will realise she wasn’t allowed to go by her mother.

The dh made it sound like she may now be never invited again reading follow up comments. This is the aunties Christmas present to the women in the family and if I remember correct another poster made it sound like this isn’t some £20 panto this is panto and food costing a good £100 plus per person.

She did reflect on it when she realised she was being unfair to her youngest to make her miss out on a fun day with her family when she dictated to her husband that their shared child couldn’t go. And good for her!

but you seem to be missing the point that it doesn’t have to be that way. Depending on how it is handled by the adults, it can be a non issue or a huge drama.

Sure that’s your opinion, but I’m not sure why, since the mother of the child in question who is closest to the situation believes it will make her feel hurt and left out.

If the child is fine with it then obviously there’s no issue at all; what I can’t stand is when people justify these things because it suits the adults involved and just dismiss the child’s feelings as “oh well she’ll just have to learn how to get over it”. That’s what makes my blood boil honestly.

Obviously blended families work in all kinds of ways, and it’s not always necessary for everyone to blend, but imv decisions should always be made on the basis of the best interests of the children involved and not the adults.

You keep saying different things so it’s impossible to keep up.

In a typical, normal, healthy relationship a mother has the power to take part in decisions about where her child goes and when. These decisions are made by mutual consent and not on the basis of one dictating to the other. if OP is in such a relationship (to be expected as this is the norm) then she doesn’t have to be dictated to by her husband about the Panto. She does have the power to say no.

If she doesn’t have that power, then I’m suggesting she rethink the relationship.

Obviously You and I do not agree on the right course of action here. That has been established.

You think it’s ok to leave the eldest out and if it makes a 9 year old child feel bad, she will have to “learn to manage her feelings”. I think that’s a disgrace.

Not sure what left there is to say.

in any case OP has made her decision.

She will find out though when her cousins mention it or aunty or granny say it was a shame. Then she will realise she wasn’t allowed to go by her mother.

That's no big deal. Her parents can just say she was too small to go on her own - which IMO is true. She's very tiny to be heading out for a long night with extended family only.

@Tandora

but her ‘D’H has said the child if invited, will be going next year.

I would bet my house that this has been a conversation with the wider family and either an invitation will be forthcoming or one of the kids will spill the beans to younger one.

Oh behave. Nobody on the thread has said that 'it's ok', it isn't. The posturing and handwringing on the thread is completely irrelevant because it's not the scenario that the OP is facing.

Still, this is a chatboard so babble on as you like.

No, I’ve been saying the same things throughout.

I’m not saying it’s healthy. Again, something doesn’t need to be healthy in order to be true. What I said is:

“I stated that she did not have the power to prevent him from allowing their daughter to have a relationship with his family. She doesn’t.”

^ that is a statement of fact, not opinion. There is no value judgement there, just recognition of the reality. I did not speak on the health or sickness of the relationship there.

I then gave my opinion, again, as to who I think was and is in the wrong here, and unsurprisingly it’s still the polar opposite of yours. Oh well.

it's not the scenario that the OP is facing

not sure what you mean?