Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

Because he’s free to take his child to spend time with her family, same as she’s free to decide who she takes her children to spend time with. OP doesn’t have to like it, but it’s not something she has the power to stop.

Like I said, they could split up and there would still be fuck all she could do about it.

I totally disagree. I don't let my DH take our kids places against my wishes. We both agree on how to parent our child and he would expect the same from me.

Good! About time she did, by the sounds of it.

Your opinion is duly noted 🤷🏻‍♀️

Disagree all you like, that’s not a reality you can change either. Your power to do that is dependent on him allowing himself to be dictated to.

No it's about neither parent dictating to the other - it's about agreement between both.

My concern is that OP's DH thinks he can dictate to her and she seems to also agree that he can dictate to her.

And they don’t agree. He absolutely can decide to facilitate the relationship between his daughter and his family regardless of whether you and/or OP approve. Like I said, even if she were prepared to blow her marriage up over this, and she isn’t, she could not stop him from taking their daughter to spend time with his family.

In a marriage , if you don't agree, the equitable approach is to talk it out and try to come to a mutual understanding. That is not what happened here.
After receiving a rant from his brother, DH came home and "reliably informed" his wife about what would be happening next. That's concerning in any marriage - but especially given the additional complication of a step child.

They either agree or eventually split up.

The dh clearly wants his child to have fun times with his family. If op try’s to stop that he is free to leave and seek 50/50 custody just as she can leave if she disagrees with him saying she can go to panto or ice skating or whatever else she’s invited too.

They either agree or eventually split up.

Yep.
I'm just confused why you and Inter thinks that means husband gets his way - no discussion - or else. 😅

Why does mum just get her way no discussion either?

She said no and stopped her going. Dh hasn’t overridden this trip op got her way. His said going forward his child will attend things she’s invited too.

Thats placed the ball in ops court, she then accepts or try’s to persuade him otherwise.

I’ll never agree that it’s acceptable to stop a child going to family things for the sake of a half sibling though. If the oldest daughter had an involved father she would be off on trips and days out the youngest wouldn’t, op wouldn’t get to stop those trips either while her youngest would sit at home thinking it’s not fair.

The main issue all along is a deadbeat dad with a deadbeat family.

In the same way a mother or father can unilaterally decide to introduce a new partner to their child without the consent of their ex, he is quite literally free to facilitate a relationship between his daughter and his family regardless of whether OP approves.

Who said no discussion? They have discussed it. If OP wanted to she could of course escalate it and even leave her husband, but 1, she apparently doesn’t want to die on this hill and do that, and 2, she still wouldn’t have the power to stop him from taking their daughter out with his family.

They have come to a mutual understanding - she and her eldest are pulling back from his family, and it’s up to him to facilitate the relationship between them and the youngest.

She could escalate if she wanted to, but she doesn’t want to.

Who said no discussion

"So I have now been reliably informed by my husband that should his sister ever invite my younger daughter again that she will be going!
He was at his parents’ house when his younger sister arrived and... she completely used her barrister’s skills to turn his head"

Does that sound like a discussion involving OP to you?

he is quite literally free to facilitate a relationship between his daughter and his family regardless of whether OP approves.

So my DH can take our children anywhere he wants, at any time he chooses, to do any activity he pleases, against my express wishes, as long as his extended family are involved? Pretty sure that's not how it usually works.

I mean technically at that point the relationship has failed.

Then as separated parents then yeah he takes the children during his time to do whatever the hell he wants.

I mean technically at that point the relationship has failed.

So either I agree or the relationship fails??

No. People discuss it, hear both sides and come to a mutual agreement. One doesn't just "reliably inform" the other of what's happening, despite knowing that they don't feel the same way about it.

TBH even if parents are separated there still has to be some basic process of consent involved regarding when each parent takes the children.

I was meaning if it’s got to the point of both parents just basically saying tough shit it’s my way. It’s failed.

And well yes. Unless you can convince a court of law that little Lucy shouldn’t be allowed to do things during her time with her father or mother when separated then yes the other parent gets no say if the one with the current custody time wishes to do something

Just like you can agree all you want no introducing a new partner before a year (and I think that should be a minimum) you cannot force it unless you can find a court to agree with you, which would normally mean they had some kind of record to start with.

It sounds like they had a discussion, yes, once you read the rest of it. She’ll be pulling back from his family, her eldest will get a treat of her own, and he will enable the relationship between the youngest and his family. That OP has chosen accepting this over arguing on and/or leaving him doesn’t mean she wasn’t and isn’t free to. She could. She still couldn’t stop him from taking his daughter to his family, of course, but she could argue for the sake of arguing.

I’m not sure why you’re trying to dance around the fact that he’s free to take his child to spend time with his parents and sisters. How would you propose stopping him? Calling the police (‘Oh, officer! My child’s father has taken her to go to a panto with his family!”)? What do you think they’d do, exactly? A court order? Yeah, good luck with that one!

I was meaning if it’s got to the point of both parents just basically saying tough shit it’s my way.

Right. And this seems to be DH's attitude. And OP has said "she can't go against him". :(
Just questioning the power dynamic there that's all.

And well yes. Unless you can convince a court of law that little Lucy shouldn’t be allowed to do things during her time with her father or mother when separated then yes the other parent gets no say if the one with the current custody time wishes to do something
Just like you can agree all you want no introducing a new partner before a year (and I think that should be a minimum) you cannot force it unless you can find a court to agree with you, which would normally mean they had some kind of record to start with.

Yes this is true.

Yes. Sometimes those are the only options you get to choose between.

Have you read any of the OP's posts? It doesn't matter what you think, that the in-laws are awful blah blah. The facts are that they do not want to. Whether you or anybody else thinks they should be is impotent navel gazing.

Will you be babbling further with your irrelevant (to the OP's actual situation) opinion?

I’m not sure why you’re trying to dance around the fact that he’s free to take his child to spend time with his parents and sisters

I'm not "dancing around it", I'm fully addressing it. I'm saying that it's indicative of a power imbalance in a relationship if one parent can dictate to the other.

I'm encouraging OP to reflect on that.

Thing is op reflects decides his a bastard and and what divorces him…

Ops youngest dd still gets up to 50% of her time if he goes 50/50 to do all those wonderful things with her family while the oldest still has a deadbeat family and op cannot stop it.

Lose lose really. Blended families working in harmony as always.

This is AIBU, we are all here to share what we think :).

Thank god the chorus of "these are all the reasons it's ok to be cruel to a small child" are balanced out with some basic sense talk.

This has been addressed ad nauseum.

The issue is blending a family where one child is left out.

Mostly it isn't though :)