Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

like it or not a lot of people don’t recognise ‘step’ cousins. We don’t in our family. If someone asks me how many cousins I have I don’t include my aunt’s three step children. I have met them a few times in childhood. But they aren’t my cousins.

Totally agree. Otherwise, where does it end????

I don't think they have to think of her as a "cousin", or feel any sort of way about her.

But I do think they should be required to not make her feel left out/ excluded/ not wanted in the blended family.

That's not being controlling, it's simply expecting basic decency in how other people treat young children.

Because while it may be ‘the only important issue to you’, it isn’t to everyone. It’s fine that you don’t understand how anyone could feel differently, you don’t need to.

I think what people forget is that these situations are a long time in the making. And not all families are closely involved with each other and with everyone’s arrangements. So - at some point, the DH announces that he’s marrying the OP. So, for his sisters, the OP is now their brother’s wife and she has a child from a previous relationship who is their brother’s wife’s child. They don’t, at that point, think of her as a niece or a cousin to their children. And they probably don’t know what relationship she has with her dad, or if she sees him, or how often. But when their brother and the OP have their own child, then they obviously do regard that child as their niece. She is! But they probably don’t then reassess their original thinking, so, to them, the older DD is still “their brother’s wife’s little girl”. And - as I said upthread - generally the only situations I’ve seen where a step child is completely accepted as “family” is where the DH in question unequivocally regards that child as “his own”. And, while the OP says that her DH treats her DD well, it doesn’t sound like this is the case here. From everything the OP has said, it doesn’t sound like these people are unkind to the child - there’s a present for her at Christmas etc - she just isn’t thought of as a niece or a grandchild. But that’s because, ultimately, she isn’t. So all the OP can do is ensure that her DD doesn’t see them as aunts or grandparents in return and maybe keep a lower contact profile so that her DD isn’t in these kinds of situations.

Yes OK, maybe they shouldn't be described as 'cousins', my mistake, call them what you like but that's still not the bloody point FFS!! 🙄
The other 'children' of the so called 'family' are being taken on a super duper Christmas outing but the 'step daughter' can't go...she's 9 years old!! 🙁
It's obvious that many posting on here don't have much compassion or kindness in their hearts for a little girl who, through no fault of her own, has found herself living with a new bunch of people, she now has a Step-Sister and a Step-Dad which, along with the fact that her own Dad and family don't seem bothered about her is possibly a lot to contend with? 😥
So hey! Lets just make her feel even worse and exclude her from family occasions when we feel like it, especially at Christmas (the season of good will?) because after all, she's not really our problem is she? 😡

You are projecting a lot of emotion onto a pantomime visit😂

Blended families take all different forms - the parents responsibility is to treat their children equally.

the reality is these two children have different families.

in most blended families there will be different relationships, different holidays, different weekends, different Christmas presents, different grandparents. It will never be the same, because the girls have different fathers.

unfortunately this little girl has a rubbish paternal family. That is her family - her life story. Yes she should have been included in the pantomime visit - but it’s not child abuse that she wasn’t - this is just an extended family. The reality hurt is from the rubbish, absent dad not distant step relatives.

OP has challenged him. What she can’t do, even if she were willing to blow up her marriage over this, is demand that he share her opinion and/or unilaterally make decisions for their shared daughter.

It's not the OP's DH's family's fault either.

The OP had a relationship with a man who turned out to be a loser. He's the problem here. Not everyone else. You're directing your anger in the wrong place.

If he took more of an interest in his own child, maybe his family would too.

The reality of a failed relationship involving children is that you can't just pretend it didn't happen. It did. It's a shame DD1's man turned out to be a loser - some men don't reveal how awful they are until very late in the day - but you can't pretend he's not the father, and his family aren't DD1's family.

The OP had a relationship with a man who turned out to be a loser. He's the problem here. Not everyone else. You're directing your anger in the wrong place.

I think that's the crux of it. OP's first partner ended up being a deadbeat. That's a shame. It's particularly crappy for the child who resulted from that relationship..

No one else can fix that. The extended family of OP's second husband cannot, however stongly the OP wishes they could occupy that space in her child's life. OP is also offended that the gifts her current PIL give her eldest are on a par with the gifts they give their own sibling's grand children. THat seems unreasonable; they give her presents, and are not unkind to her as far as we can establish. They just don't love her like family because they are not family.

OP is obviously very hurt on behalf of her child. That's understandable. We all see our children as inherently loveable and wonderful and deserving of everything that makes them happy. It's painful when reality and our hopes don't coincide.

OP has said she'll pull back, which seems wise. Framing her DH's family as "DD's gran" or "Susan" rather than "Auntie Susan" might help too. If the wee girl is being taught they are her family and they don't treat her as such, the rejection is more than if they are her half-sister's family, whom she also knows.

Blended families are challenging but realistic expectations can make them less fraught.

Neither of the OPs daughters know about the trip, so no hurt has been caused and the family have done nothing wrong. It’s not like they were all talking about the trip in front of OPs eldest. They just planned their family trip as they always do and invited their brothers child now that she is old enough.

Family dynamics and relationships between people can make all the difference to get togethers or a day out. We still don’t know if there are reasons why the OPs in laws would prefer to only take their own nieces and nephews. Maybe the children don’t all get on together well enough to ensure that an expensive family day out will be enjoyable for everyone. Maybe SIL resents the expectation that she should pay so much money for a child she’s not related to.

Whatever it is, managing OPs daughters feelings about inevitable disparities is OP and her partners job. If they are setting expectations correctly, their daughters will feel comfortable following their lead. If OP behaves as if a disservice is being done to her older daughter, then that is how she will feel. She is old enough to understand an explanation about things being different for children with different parents and how blended families can be difficult. As long as she is treated the same as her sister in her own home and as long as she isn’t set up to have false expectations of what her sisters family ‘should’ do, she will cope fine.

They aren't required and it is controlling.

You can't see your family member without an unrelated person coming too is absolutely controlling. And neither kid will thank you for it.

But he's unilaterally making a decision?

You are absolutely right, but pp's will find all kinds of excuses to justify hurtful treatment of a young child.

Neither of the OPs daughters know about the trip, so no hurt has been caused and the family have done nothing wrong. It’s not like they were all talking about the trip in front of OPs eldest.

Yes - this is exactly why OP declined the invite. But next year "D"H has unilaterally decided youngest will be going, so they will know.

Tbh I think it’s far more damaging to have those expectations, and allow a child to believe something that just isn’t true. Of course she’s going to be hurt if she’s being led to believe that she has the exact same relationships as her sister, and that her sister’s aunts, uncles and grandparents are also hers. They aren’t, and that’s just the reality of it.

It’s hardly like she’s incapable of understanding they’re different when she already goes to spend time with her own paternal family sans her younger sister.

I remember a thread on here years ago where a half sister was blindsided and extremely upset because, although her stepfather and his family had done everything some mumsnetters would have you believe they ‘should’, he left his entire estate solely to his actual daughter. I’m not sure how allowing someone to go through life believing a lie is in any way ‘kind’.

You can't teach a child to "expect" to be treated like shit. I mean you can - but that's not going to be any less damaging for their self esteem.
Yes mum can tell her they are not her family and therefore don't care about her, etc., but the girl still has to live amongst them poor thing and be treated like she doesn't matter in comparison to her sister.

Not sure if it's been mentioned but there's a similar thread regarding children 'left out' of a holiday because the step mums aunt is funding the trip and hasn't extended it to the step children.

Where is the line drawn on what events/trips step children are invited on and who's responsibility it is to fund them?

Yes, in this situation he is the one that does have the power to do that. OP can choose not to facilitate the relationships between her youngest and her in laws herself, but she can’t demand her husband obey her and do the same. She can of course leave him, but he would be free to take his daughter to see his family during his time with her.

If he was trying to ban her parents from seeing their youngest, she would also be free to say no to him.

She's not banning her child from seeing his parents lol - where did you get that from? She just declined the panto invite as she didn't think it was appropriate.

OP wrote: "So I have now been reliably informed by my husband that should his sister ever invite my younger daughter again that she will be going!"

I certainly wouldn't be being dictated to like that by my DH.

You can certainly teach them that while they and any half siblings may indeed be siblings and equal in the eyes of their shared parent, they don’t all have the same family members and relationships in common and won’t be considered the same by everyone.

She’s already been taught that, in fact.

Okay, then change ‘ban her youngest from seeing his parents’ to ‘decline the panto’. The same applies - she isn’t in the position to unilaterally decide that, any more than he would be if the situation were reversed.

Yup you can teach them that and I'm sure OP will. While at the same time distancing herself from these unpleasant people.

Still shit to make a young child feel like shit at christmas, however, you and others care to justify it.

If OP's not in the position to unilaterally decide DC doesn't go to the panto, why is DH in the position to unilaterally decide she does go?

Yes, I've seen this thread and would also like someone to explain line drawing and funding as it seems to get totally ridiculous.

The line certainly isn't a trip to the panto.