Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

I have never understood ‘forced blending’ and ‘everyone has to be invited to everything.’ It’s false and ridiculous. Does anyone remember the rather farcical thread last summer, a huge family row because a step-cousin wasn’t invited to something. Barmy.

Well the child doesn’t get any say about being tied to the family does she? But as long as it’s all on the adults’ terms it’s a-ok in your mind I suppose and regardless of the impact on the child?

Well the child doesn’t get any say about being tied to the family does she? But as long as it’s all on the adults’ terms it’s a-ok in your mind I suppose and regardless of the impact on the child?

This is exactly the point. The OP chose what was best for her, not what was best for her child. I've been the single mother. You put your child first every single time, and if that means not following your loins, then that's what it means.

I wonder if the step aunts and step gran would be able to give other reasons for not including OP’s dd. What are the ages of the other children, how many of them are there? Do they all get on well with OP’s dd or would a child who they don’t know as well change the dynamic?

I think you need to have a word with yourself. The kids have different dads and therefore different families. Making your youngest miss out because eldest not included is not fair.

I was the older stepkid along with my sister and we were treated differently but as we grew up with it and the reasons why were explained it didn’t affect us.

my bio dad was hopeless. We rarely saw him but my mum and stepdad did take us to see paternal GP when we were in the area.

let your youngest go and you use that time to do something 1:1 with your eldest.

you can’t force families to be blended the way you would like. But your youngest will speak to her cousins when older and find out stuff she missed out on because of your pride. They are her actual family.

disappointment happens. You can’t lawnmower through everything to ensure your child never feels anything but how easy life is.

It sounds like this outing has happened every year, DD1 has never been invited and DH has never asked for her to be included. Also, DD1 gets a “lesser gift” and DH didn’t speak to his parents to say that he considered DD1 his child and wants her treated the same as the other grandchildren. Has DH ever actually spoken to his family and asked them to consider DD1 a grandchild/niece and not an in-law? What has DH done to help his family form a bond with DD1? OP seems really upset over the difference, but have she and DH ever worked out what they want their blended family relationships to be and has DH even tried to communicate this to his family and reach a compromise with them?

After the holidays, I think OP and DH need to sit down and figure out how they want DD1 seen by his family and what compromises they feel are reasonable. Then he needs to address his family members separately to work this out with them. Hopefully, a reasonable compromise can be reached. Because DH is so close to his parents and siblings, I would try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and discuss everything, unless and until they actually refused to change. Maybe a reasonable compromise could be that instead of buying them presents, OP pay towards the panto and dinner for herself and her DDs and then everyone is included. Maybe his parents need DH to facilitate a closer relationship with DD1 in order to start seeing her as a grandchild.

There may still be things that DH’s family isn’t willing to do for DD1 like private school tuition or inheritance. OP and DH will have to either pay for that for DD1 themselves or make sure that DD1 understands that fair isn’t always equal, especially in blended families. DH and OP are the ones who decided to make a blended family. It doesn’t seem like they discussed this with his relatives or tried to work out DD1’s inclusion.

There may still be things that DH’s family isn’t willing to do for DD1 like private school tuition or inheritance.

Now that would be quite a stretch, and not unreasonable if DH’s family didn’t want to do it

I don’t like that my post has created rows to break out among posters.

I am sorry that I told my sister-in-law that eldest was jealous. I realise now that that wasn’t nice.

I am also sorry that I mentioned the professions of the siblings. I didn’t mean to come over as entitled.

My ex and his family have absolutely nothing to do with my youngest but my in-laws have known my eldest for six years.

The chosen Panto people are the host, her mother, her sister, her own children and her sister’s children and this group includes two boys.

FIL, two brothers and their partners are not invited.

I absolutely refuse point blank to offer to pay for my child to be treated the same as her sister by people who should be in a familial relationship with her.

My husband has asked that DD1 be included and this has been refused. It is a family bonding occasion. This year one of the children wasn’t able to attend and there was the seat intended for DD2; these two seats were given to the cousins’ eldest two children. Each of these children have siblings who weren’t invited.

I cannot stop my husband making a different decision to me next year. He assures me that my eldest who he treats very well generally, will have an equivalent treat.

I recognise that I am being unfair to my youngest as they are her family. Going forward I am reducing contact with the in-laws for me and my eldest.

I am fed up of going there and my eldest lies in the conservatory reading a book she has no interest in.

She is only the same as her sister to you. To your in laws she isn’t the same at all. They may have a familial relationship with her as their in law, but not as a grandchild and niece. Regardless of what you think they ‘should’ do, and be willing to pay for, they’re not of the same opinion and you’re not going to get what you want from them.

So yes, all you can do is accept the reality you’re faced with, and distance yourself and your eldest from them if you find it hurtful. If you’ve encouraged your eldest to consider them family to her in the same way they are to your youngest, then it would be wise to be honest with her rather than continue to allow her to expect a relationship that hasn’t been, and isn’t going to be, forthcoming.

Fair play for coming back after all that OP.

You say you don’t mean to come across as entitled but also say that you refuse to offer to pay because they ‘should’ treat her the same as her half sister. But who says they should? You. They obviously don’t think they should, and that is up to them. Like it or not, it is entitled to believe they should do things your way, especially when they will have to pay for it.

If your eldest daughter and your in laws don’t engage well when you see each other normally, it makes it more understandable why they would prefer to take other children who they know get on well.

It is a fair decision for you to spend less time with your in laws, and you and your eldest can do other lovely things while your youngest visits family with her Dad.

It would have been nice if your oldest DD was asked but your SIL is not obliged to do so, I would have let your DD go and spend some time with her aunt and cousins, blended families are always tricky I can see both sides here

Definitely a good decision to spend less time with your in-laws, OP. Your update about your SIL makes me think even less of her. Who creates a hierarchy among children as if they're 19th century aristocracy? She sounds high-handed to say the very least - but good to know she's not averse to potentially causing upset in other families too.

It'll be easier on your daughter if you're a little gang who do your own thing sometimes, and the fact that she's a bit older means her treats can be always a bit too old for the youngest, so she won't miss out and they'll be special for the two of you. Good luck with your meet-up!

Going forward I am reducing contact with the in-laws for me and my eldest.
❤️

You say you don’t mean to come across as entitled but also say that you refuse to offer to pay because they ‘should’ treat her the same as her half sister.

I suspect what OP means is that she’s not going to pay money for her eldest to feel like she’s being treated as a family member and SIL to look like she’s being inclusive. They can take her or leave her, but she is not to be ‘bought’. I’d do the same. I differ on the “by people who should be in a familial relationship” bit but this, totally agree.

No way would I pay for the oldest to go. If they had said we’d love both of them come but its getting expensive then of course I’d have paid but no way would I want my child going somewhere if they weren’t wanted.Not for their sakes but for hers.
I am usually really easy going but if it was making one of my children feel left out through no fault of their own then I would indeed reduce the situations were she was in their company. It’s their loss they could have had a nice relationship. Good luck OP.

OP are you very sure your DH has your elder DD’s back?

“Going forward I am reducing contact with the in-laws for me and my eldest.”

I wholeheartedly agree with this approach! Your daughter will not forget the way you treat her in this situation. If I were in your shoes I would do the same!
^^
”I am fed up of going there and my eldest lies in the conservatory reading a book she has no interest in.”

I feel so sorry for your eldest and I am shocked at the levels of unkindness your in-laws display towards her. You really have to be an absolute POS to knowingly leave a child out like they have and do nothing to change that despite seeing the upset it causes. It would be good if your partner could address this with them rather than you. As good as he is in other ways he does seem,
at least to some degree, a bit spineless.

OMG!!! Why can't everyone understand and see that what you have said is the issue here and nothing else? This concerns a young child having to accept that her sister and cousins are all going on a wonderful Christmas outing...and she isn't?! 🙁
I have answered in a similar vein, several posts babbling on about how it's not the DH's family's responsibility/fault etc etc that the OP already has a child...'she's nothing to do with us mate, move along'! Grrrr! 🙄
I simply CANNOT understand how they don't get, feel or understand that it's just basically WRONG to exclude this little girl based simply on the fact that she is not of the same bloodline as them...FFS!!! 😡
Does it even occur to them, or do they even care, that she will feel hurt and have only negative emotions at being left out, that it's impossible at her age to have any other rationale to explain why she is being shunned, because let's face it, that's precisely what they are doing no matter what other way they try to justify their mean spirited, unsympathetic and unkind exclusion!! 😱

I have posted this as a response to another post which was very much in agreement with my opinion but need to get it out there as a 'stand alone' to make my point again...

OMG!!! Why is it so hard to understand and see the ONLY important issue here which concerns a young child being asked to accept that her sister and cousins are all going on a wonderful Christmas outing...and she isn't?! 🙁
I have answered several posts babbling on about how it's not the DH's family's responsibility/fault etc etc that the OP already had a child...in fact the message being conveyed seems to be 'she's nothing to do with us mate, move along please'! Grrrr! 🙄
I simply fail to see how they don't get, feel or understand that it's just basically WRONG to exclude this little girl based simply on the fact that she is not of the same bloodline as them... is this the 19th century FFS?!!! 😡
Does it even occur to them, or do they even care, that potentially she will feel hurt and have only negative emotions at being left out, that it's impossible at her age to have any other rationale to explain why she is being shunned, because let's face it, that's precisely what they are doing no matter how they try to justify their mean spirited, unsympathetic and just plain unkind exclusion!! 😱
(Capitals used for emphasis...please don't accuse me of 'shouting'!)

@Cariadm the big issue is though, strictly speaking, these aren’t her cousins. They are her half sisters cousins.

like it or not a lot of people don’t recognise ‘step’ cousins. We don’t in our family. If someone asks me how many cousins I have I don’t include my aunt’s three step children. I have met them a few times in childhood. But they aren’t my cousins.

I have no idea if their dad thinks I should embrace them as if they are my cousins - I have never given it any thought.

💯 agree

I just want to clarify I do think she should have been taken to the pantomime. But describing these children as cousins when the family don’t see it that way is wrong and raises expectations that this little girl will just be disappointed by.

forcing family relationships on others never works. Repeatedly telling the child these are your cousins when no one else sees it that way is cruel.

in fact the message being conveyed seems to be 'she's nothing to do with us mate, move along please'!

Yup. And now OP’s DH has hopped onboard with this treatment and declared him and OP will be facilitating it , and OP doesn’t feel like she has the power to challenge him.
Definitely does feel like the 19th C,

by people who should be in a familial relationship with her.

This is the crux of it, really. You think they “should be”; they think that they aren’t. I think that reducing contact for you and your older DD is the way to go here, honestly; I think you’ll find their attitude of “not family” easier to deal with if you just reciprocate in kind. You can’t change the way others think or behave, but you can change your behaviour in response to it. And you’ll likely be better placed to deal with any issues along the line in the future about money or whatever if you do so.

Yes. But not just strictly speaking. . they're just not her cousins. In any sense, they are not her cousins.

People here are so controlling. To think you can force people to see familial relationships that are not there, and force them to feel a certain way ..it's insane. It doesn't reflect reality and experience and it's so fake!