Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

Thing is argue all you want about the morals.

Op either accepts the dh and his family want their grandchild without the other or don’t and split up eventually as it eats at her or pisses him and the child off eventually if she does stop it.

Then she has two children with two different dads. One shit dad and one good dad.

So the oldest isn’t forced to miss out as a step child. She then just misses out regardless while her sister is off on trips and days out and big presents and a loving family and private school anyway while she sits at home with another new step dad and new step family with her dead beat still being a deadbeat.

Sounds a lovely life.

Adults going into blending and making new families with existing children without proper thought for everyone involved creates these situations. Only person to blame is the op for putting her oldest and now youngest in this situation.

I cannot for the life of me understand the mentality of leaving one child out of a Christmas event

Yes you’ve repeatedly said this.

I don’t agree with any of it, except of course legally no one has to do anything.

As long as the adults in the family don’t commit any crimes , they are free to be as mean as they like to the step child and no one will put them in jail. I can’t deny it.

You’re assuming they wouldn’t have offered IF you asked. Sounds like you are forcing them to accept eldest - which I can understand to an effect - truth is they don’t want to which is up to them (sad as well) but to deny your youngest? That’s pretty mean. You absolutely won’t offer to pay (I don’t get this) so in some way - you feel they should pay, because they have city jobs? I can understand how it must make you upset tho - but i do think you can force them to accept your eldest… sorry Op.

And you’ve repeatedly stated your own points 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes, there’s nothing you can do beyond get mad about it on mumsnet. You’re free to think them as morally obliged as you like, but it means fuck all if they don’t agree. ‘Morally, they should…’ is a meaningless statement.

‘Morally, they should…’ is a meaningless statement.

What’s the point in AIBU then? 😂

I thought we were here to debate what was “reasonable” behaviour not what was legal?

Is the behaviour of SIL legal? Yes.

Is it reasonable? No.

@InterIgnis everything on mn is meaningless then as we have no power over any of the situations discussed

To argue meaningless statements, mostly.

No shit?

@InterIgnis er YOu made the statement

I did think the City jobs comment from the OP was a bit judgemental/entitled too. It's kind that they have offered to pay for one of her children - that doesn't mean their financial generosity should be bottomless.

If someone gives you a gift, you aren't entitled to hand it back and ask for a more expensive version. The OP doesn't know what all their other financial commitments are, nor should she.

Indeed I did.

To elaborate - yes, mumsnet moral debates on what strangers should and shouldn’t do are indeed meaningless. No shit.

Well, maybe not actually. They are entertaining.

How very odd

It’s only a panto ticket Xmas present and being included when her sisters uncle brings a cheap souvenir back from holiday for all the kids. It’s not that much just to make sure she doesn’t feel left out.

Don’t disagree with you at all and if I was OP me and eldest DD would have had a lovely day doing whatever we fancied.

And I certainly do not think she should veto the youngest DD seeing the family. Your right her husbands family are very clear and all she can do is make the best of situation for both girls - ensuring it does not come between them.

But I still think my point stands that many situations could be resolved by showing kindness and decency to others. Would having her nieces half sister (who is the nieces blood relative) really ruin the pantomime or would kindness to a 9 year old girl been a nicer option? I get your point we are not the SIL but I can’t imagine myself being an arse to a kid like that.

I have been known to corral several kids, not related to me by blood, to the theatre as they would enjoy it, my daughter enjoyed it and my friends enjoyed the break from their kids! We have adopted kids within the family and I made little welcome quilts for any child arriving into the family by whatever means. But of course we do not know the underlying family dynamics of OPs life - just speaking from the perspective of my family.

Your point definitely stands, Poppins21 and again, I don't disagree with you. If I were the sister in law I would have had a private conversation with my brother to find out what his expectations were regarding his step-child for the big stuff, inheritance, 21st birthday, etc. It wouldn't need saying for his actual child. That's the disparity right there.

For general stuff, birthdays, Christmas - especially whilst the children are so young, they'd have equality, why not? I was really, really struck by a PP who mentioned handmade dolls yet as she was the ''step', she didn't receive the accessories that her 'proper' sister did. That is unbelievably sad.

Panto is a no brainer for me - take both, no arguments. I don't understand taking 'bloodline' females only to panto. There may have been little boys who would have liked to go as well? It's a kids thing and it would have been so easy to be inclusive and nice to all the kids in the family.

But it is what it is. I wonder what the OP is doing about eldest daughter's paternal family? Is she getting child maintenance? Do any of that side show any love, affection or acknowledgement of their grandchild?

This thread is and should be a cautionary tale... be really sure about your husband-to-be and his family before marriage because if you bring an unrelated child into it and then have a child with him, you'll be forever looking for equal treatment and that might never happen.

==

Gemma apologies for my snippy post to you, it was really unnecessary.

yes only the bloodline female going to the pantomime is a weird one.

Adoption is a completely different situation. From my experience (and I know it can vary) adoption requires parents to actively think about potential situations that could impact their child and consider how they would ensure no emotional damage was done to them. Prospective adoptive grandparents are interviewed to determine their level of support and willingness to love the child. Even as a friend of an adoptive parent I was considered as someone who should be checked out. All this to give the child the best possible chance of fitting into a loving family.

None of this consideration happens when parents and step parents decide to blend families. They do it because they want to. Extended families and outcomes for the children are given no thought, and that’s why problems arise.

Oops wrong thread!

Half siblings. Half. As in in no relation whatsoever to the other parents family.

What's funny here is the people banging on about the kids have never been those kids. I have, you haven't a breeze what you're talking about.

Lot of assumptions going on there lol

👍🏻

All for the sake of a pantomime and a meal

The OP said they went to The Palladium and somewhere like Spaghetti House, so I thought she was talking about Argyll Street, i.e. a West End show? Seats for the panto there go up to £225 a head (excluding ticket fee) depending on what day and time, so bringing one child is extremely generous as it stands, without taking another... It's not a marginal cost of a fiver.

Then kids menu at Spaghetti House plus a couple of drinks plus tip will get you to £20 a head. More like £40 a head if DD1 is a bigger eater and would eat off the adult menu.

You also have the faff of actually getting to the West End with kids.

If I were paying £250 to treat someone's child and I was asked to lay out another £270 for 'fairness', I'd decline to treat either.

But maybe I'm the only person who read that OP and thought the OP was in or around London? If there's a regional Palladium near a Spaghetti House which costs pennies, maybe I'm being slightly less reasonable than I thought...

I had not realised that you were the only person in this ENTIRE THREAD who was part of a blended family… 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️