Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

I think you're really digging your heals in but not offering to pay for your dd. It would be the best compromise but it feels like you don't want to out of pride.

Could you have offered to pay for older DD?

When my dc get boyfriends or girlfriends I treat them like family and would buy a gift if they were together at Christmas. In fact my son met someone on a work trip abroad and she came to see him. I sent gifts to make her feel welcome - even though I didn't meet her - along with the decorations ds asked me to post. She liked one gift so much I've bought two more for ds to take for her when he next visits her. While that is different, I have also been the foster child where even the parents treated me differently never mind others. I just couldn't do it.

These will be the only “family” she knows. I find it incredibly sad that they can’t find it in their hearts to include her.

I’ve been on the ‘not real family’ side and I’m welling up thinking about how sad it made me. (I’m nearly 40!) Even as a young adult when I was asked to sit out of something (like a ‘family’ photo) pretended to be fine with it, but it’s really heart breaking.

I think for your child’s sake you should think about asking to pay for her to go, don’t see it as begging. If they still say no… well I’d be asking husband to have a serious conversation about the fact they are being incredibly mean to a small child who he treats as a daughter. If the answer is still no…. I’d refuse for younger daughter to go. It would be an argument with husband.

This

Your daughter is not her neice so she is not part of their family. Maybe you could have done something with your 9 year old.

I’d have asked whether DD was invited and bought her a ticket too.

You can't force his family to care about your eldest in the way that you'd like. The outing was expensive and SIL doesn't feel a connection to your 9 year old. I wouldn't have deprived your youngest of the experience.

That might have worked but only if the OP went as well. I think it would have been clunky as this was about inclusion rather than money.

It is sad but I absolutely agree with Onlyonekenobe's post, there needs to be real clarity with, and from, the family members who are expected to blend.

To me, blended families are much more straightforward than people make them.

You’re a family. OP’s DD is the SIL step-niece.

And I guess I spin this round. How do families treat adopted children? Would they be considered niece / nephew? It’s absolutely no different. There should be no pecking order where children are concerned.

Of course it's different.

Their brother has no real rights/responsibilities to OP's daughter. They could separate tomorrow and she would be out of his life whether he liked it or not.

Did you read any of the thread? Adoption is not the same. It's been mentioned and explained about a dozen times on this thread.

You're idealism is fine and well but you can't control wider family and how they feel about it. That's why is your (general) responsibility to iron out any issues/potential issues BEFORE you bring another child into it.

Or don't? You may be lucky but why take the risk? It's the child who will suffer if they are not a 'fit' in the same way that the familial child is.

When the 9-year-old goes for her birthday treat or Christmas tea, does the 4-year-old go with her?

If not, I'm not sure why the 9-year-old has to go to all family outings the 4-year-old goes on...

I get that it doesn't feel fair, but I don't think it's the SIL's fault.

I would have said aw that would be lovely but we can't leave out my 9 year old so maybe we can pay for her and she can go with you too?

I wouldn’t describe it so much as an ‘ideal world’, I’d call it grown adults being, err - adult about blended families?

Anyway, don’t forget mumsnet is a space to share opinions, you’re welcome to disagree with mine. 😊

When the 9-year-old goes for her birthday treat or Christmas tea, does the 4-year-old go with her?

This is a spectacularly false equivalency.

As the veteran of several blended families (I was a step-child from the age of five; I became a step-mother to young children when I married; and I acquired step-grandchildren when my son married a woman with children), I agree with you 100 percent, OP.

Did your (step) dad’s ever come around, @Keeptrying27 ?

Personally I don’t get this “not their niece” vibe. Even the royal family can do blended families - Fergie said that Wolfie was like her grandchild and he goes to Sandringhan like all the other kids.

To me it’s too cruel for words. Fake it till you make it if needed.

It’s not fair tbh that your youngest is banned from doing anything with their grandparents unless your own child is included. The in-laws have been involved with your youngest since birth - connected by blood. Does your eldest have no connection with your side of the family at all, or their fathers? I have a very young granddaughter, and my dds partner has a son who lives with them 50/50, and is 9. But I can’t imagine when gd is older that I would only be allowed to take her out if I had her partners son come too.

This.
Don’t isolate your youngest DD from enjoying time with her aunt and family- that’s her right too - instead use it as a great opportunity to spend some special time with eldest. I don’t think they are excluding deliberately but I do agree it would be kinder to invite both. Family relationships are what they are in blended families and you have to be honest about that too. Your eldest DD knows she has a father and family that have limited involvement - if they wanted to in theory take her out and spend time with her would you veto that because youngest couldent go.. just compensate on the day with a trip out together xx

Such ugly behaviour by ugly people.

Women choosing to marry would be wise to not rush into having children with men when they already have children.

So many family's on MN seem to delight in othering the child that is not a blood relative.

How women remain married in such circumstances is beyond me.

Their children seem to be collateral damage to all their choices and circumstances.

So sad and inevitably damaging.
I couldn't bear it for my child.
I would prefer to stay with an only child than inflict this othering on them.

When you and your DH agreed to marry, did you consult equally with his family? Did they ask you to marry them too? Maybe they want you as part of their family only because their son/brother does. I’d imagine that’s the way with most families. But you seem to impose responsibilities and duties on them that they had no choice in accepting/rejecting.

There are so many posters who talk about “so sad they can’t find it in their hearts”, “she’s just a 9yo child” etc. Very few people are actively cruel. Very few people would want to hurt the elder child. It’s not a question of lacking heart. These are long term relationships. In families that have resources, heart is only part of the conversation. There’s a huge, other discussion: Who gets gifted driving lessons? What’s has to work through university and who doesn’t? Who is favoured for an internship? Whose wedding dress is paid for? Who gets to have a third child and who has to stop at two? And yes, inheritance.

Arguably it’s in the step-child’s best interests for everyone to be clear about where boundaries lie. Start early so the parent in OP’s shoes can do whatever is necessary to ensure both of her children are stable and emotionally healthy. That is, after all, her and her DH’s job. Blended families are imo mostly created for the benefit of the adults concerned. It’s a rare family that accepts a step-child older than toddlerhood as their own. And sadly, money changes everything.

You're clearly coming at this from the POV of the 9-year-old, having been the stepchild yourself. You were always going to be a perfect step mum and step grandmother with your lived experience.

I'm not a step child or adopted child. I'm coming at this from the SIL's POV. If my siblings remarried and had stepkids, that would be their decision to extend their family beyond their blood relatives, not mine.

I'm quite tired as it is paying for all blood-related children. I'm not sure I have the mental capacity or finances at this point to pay for any additional kids who aren't related to me.

If I were a perfect person, I probably should entertain their stepkids. But I'm not, and maybe the SIL here isn't either.

The OP and her DH are the ones who have the responsibility to make both kids feel equally loved and equally special. Not the extended relatives and step relatives. Would be nice if they pitched in, but when two people marry, two people marry. Their families don't sign that legal contract with them.

It's also just the OP and her DH who have to treat the kids equally. I don't spend an equal amount of time with all of my nephews and nieces because they live different distances away from me, are different ages and have different interests. I don't deliberately exclude any of them, but if a couple want to spend time with me, I'm not going to force the others to as well.

Different children have different relationships with different relatives. It's only with their parents (or parental figures) where things have to be equal.

They are both your children but they are both both his children or their grandchildren. Take it up with your child’s family.