Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

I wouldn’t let one child have such a family treat if the other was excluded. Your girls are sisters and should be treated fairly. Fairly could be treating DD1 to an equivalent trip whilst DD2 is with them, but I’d rather take them both and exclude DH’s mean sisters and co.

Im a step child and I can tell you from my perspective if YOU raise your child right they won’t be disappointed by people not related to them treating people who are related to them differently. Because they are different they know that. You forcing people to love them who don’t they will still be able to tell. It’s resented love.

I don’t love my husband nephew’s technically my nephew’s the biology we share is between my children being their uncles children. If we divorced I’d never ever see them again even if offered.

Step children are exactly that, people joined to the family via a marriage or just partner. A partner joins because the person married and you treat them as a partner of them even if that means buying a joint present as a couple. When that person adds children your not just adding a person your adding a person plus 1/2/3/4 children depending on each relationship.

Then your expectation that they are treater exactly the same as everyone else rather than really just an add on is a bit much. If they want to great but if not, it’s duty presents is all can be expected and politeness is the correct response.

People are criticising me for not offering to pay and saying that my refusal is my pride. I absolutely accept that it is my pride that would not allow me to ask them to make an exception for my child. My eldest sister-in-law and her husband have City jobs; money is not an issue. If I asked that she be included she would have said no, that it was a family thing. Women and children. They don’t invite my husband or his brother and not I assume their dad.

When I texted to say youngest wouldn’t be going because eldest would be jealous she could easily have offered to take her then but she said it was ‘ a shame’ .

I will continue to buy presents for her children as I buy presents. I have no issue with her not buying presents or sending cards. She is transparent about that.

Younger sister was told that my youngest wouldn’t be invited again but my husband who does treat my eldest as his own said that my youngest will be allowed to go if asked. He wants her to have a relationship with his family. I won’t go against him as I don’t want youngest to resent me or her sister as I imagine stuff like this gets out.

Well we are spared The St Stephen’s Day gathering because of a vomiting bug. It will happen on New Year’s Day instead. Youngest will get a present and eldest a bath bomb like the second cousins!

Oh and trust me private secondary has already been discussed for youngest if she doesn’t pass 11+.

Your youngest daughter shouldn’t suffer and miss out on experiences with her family. And that’s what you’ve achieved here.

You need to see the two things as separate.

Presumably the younger child has no relationship with OP’s ex. I don’t think it’s the same thing.

No, no, no, they don't get to exclude your DD.
How fucking heartless of them.
Well done for sticking up for her.
I was the kid that watched the rest of my "family" go off to Disneyland, California, whilst I and my sister were left behind, wondering what on earth we had done wrong.

Your ego is the problem. Let your youngest enjoy what her family give what can given because the minute she finds out she didn’t get something because of you/her sister. Your are the bad guys.

as harsh as it seems a leg up in life tends to mean a lot more than some dna.

Surely the fault here plays with your father for not given the same experience to you. Not your half or step siblings family. Your anger is misplaced.

They treated their family to an experience. Just as every time you got a present or trip from your father’s side they did not. You share only one parent and only that parents family should be expected to treat you same.

this is much the reason as well as horrible ex’s people won’t date single parents. Expected to take on pre-made families and expected to force their families to take on an extra 2/3/4/5 people as their own.

I wouldn't have said your eldest would have been jealous. That's mean, even if she would be you don't sell your kids down the river like that.

DH’s family is the only one the nine year old knows - she hardly sees her dad or his family. The four year old doesn’t know them - why would she ? It doesn’t just not feel fair, it’s isn’t fair. The child is nine, and despite the fact that to all intents and purposes she’s closer to DH’s family than her own fathers’ they choose to leave her out because there’s no blood connection. It’s just plain mean.

Well, yes, with your approach, if the SIL doesn't feel a bond with DD1 and you stop her from spending time with DD2, that's just going to drive a wedge between DD2 and DD1 as DD2 is going to miss out because she has a sister. And while you can't do anything to make DH's family help make your blended family dynamic work, you should be doing what you can to stop both DDs from needlessly falling out just because they have different dads.

I think you need to accept that DH's family are more generous with their time and money than your ex's family and things simply are not equal. You can't force either side to change, but you can create more special experiences for DD1 that don't involve her sister.

If she has any best friends, for example, their parents might be willing to invite DD1 to special outings if you pay for it or reciprocate. That way she gets a treat without her sister, so when her sister gets a treat without her, it doesn't feel so unbalanced.

You can't choose family, but you can choose friends!

I really have no idea how grown adults can treat children differently regardless of family dynamics. They are both children, and i could never leave a child out because of who the parent was or is .

Ditto
I can't understand how a grown up would not invite her niece's 9 year old sister?
It's not relevant that the 9 year old isn't her biological niece!

Who has discussed sending your youngest to private school? Surely that is a decision for you and your DH to make, not your in-laws. She is only 4 for god's sake, why are they even talking about this? It sounds like they are deliberately trying to put a wedge between your two children and to have them grow up in different worlds, even though they live in the same house.

IMO you would be wise to temper any expectations your eldest has regarding her relationships with them. Allowing and/or encouraging her to believe that she has the same relationship with them as her sister does is/would be doing her no favors.

You aren’t a nuclear family. You have two children that have different families, and that’s the reality you’re going to have to manage. You can’t make them the same to anyone but you, and limiting the relationships and opportunities of your youngest would be to do her a disservice. It’s not on her to compensate her sister for a situation she has no hand in creating.

As an aside, someone being able to easily afford something you want doesn’t mean they should be expected to pay.

I would do something with my older child myself when they are at pantomime. I wouldn't take someone who is no relation to me to a family outing.

DH's family clearly doesn't see the 9-year-old as family though, just some child they are passively nice to when they see, the same way they would be with any random child.

The fact that the ex's family don't treat the 9-year-old the way they should isn't the fault of DH's family.

You can't force love. The OP and her DH should create more opportunities for his family to spend time with theirs, e.g. the four of them could organise something and invite his family. It's reasonable for his family to not particularly want to invite DD1 when they're hosting, but if the OP and her DH are hosting, it's reasonable for both girls to be present. If DH's family spend enough time in DD1's company, they may develop a bond in time, and they may accept her as family then.

But just because the OP and her DH got married doesn't mean his family should automatically treat DD1 as their relation. DD1 and DD2 are rightly the centre of the OP's universe, so the threat of not seeing DD1 if they don't spend time with DD2 might make sense to her. However, SIL clearly isn't fussed and was only inviting DD2 to be nice. If she never sees DD1 and DD2 again, she'll be fine. The rest of the family may well feel the same.

Far better to encourage SIL to build a bond with one child rather than no children... The more trusted adults in each life a child has, the better. Taking away one to make a point isn't in DD2's best interests.

It’s not ‘fair’ to expect OP’s in laws to compensate for the poor paternal relationship the eldest has with her own paternal family. It’s not ‘fair’ to expect the youngest to miss out because of her sister’s poor paternal relationship.

The sisters have different families and relationships. That’s the reality of OP’s blended family, and that’s the reality it’s on OP to manage.

The worst mistake I see parents make is trying to protect their children by pretending something isn't true. That could be "Daddy really does love you, he's just very busy at work/forgot/must be unwell" or it could be the pretence that there are no differences between children. @ThatRubyMoose the truth may be painful to your children but it isn't as painful as finding out you were living a lie. I gently suggest you find ways to handle to material differences in their situations. That will include explaining to your second daughter when she is older what your husband's family is doing. Maybe let your husband know that this is what will happen?

@ThatRubyMoose very unreasonable of sil to involve the mil in this!!! it has nothing to do with mil!

That will include explaining to your second daughter when she is older what your husband's family is doing. Maybe let your husband know that this is what will happen?

Exactly. DH needs to understand that his family's behaviour will be out in the open and discussed. And his behaviour will be out there too.

My friend's brother married a woman with a child who then had another with him. Her parents - the grandparents - were excruciating in the way they favoured their 'blood' grandchild. My friend said present opening at Christmas made her want to die, it was so hurtful to the older child, who she quickly regarded as her nephew. She went out of her way to try to make up the difference. Fast forward 20 years and the grandparents rarely see either child, while my friend is close to both and just got asked to be witness at her nephew's wedding.

Fair enough but equating this to adoption is pointless because it's not the same thing at all. Adoption confers legal responsibilities, step-parenting doesn't.

Yes, I thought the same. Very unkind to say this about your eldest daughter - like SHE is the problem.

This makes me so sad to read. My oldest son has a 13 year old step-son. We have ALWAYS treated him as a grandson. Even when my son's now 6 year old son was born, it just meant we had two grandsons now. Just last night my DIL was telling me how much it meant to her that we show her oldest so much love. I told her he IS family and we never want him to feel like his younger brother is more important to us than him. I will never understand families who think like your ILs do

I would have thought jealousy is a very natural emotional response to being left out, along with being upset. It doesn’t reflect badly on the young girl at all.