Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

I think that's terrible. Your poor dd.

@ThatRubyMoose I’m so sorry your eldest DD is being treated this way. It is horrible for any adult to treat a child like this, there is no justification.
However I’m also sorry for you and your younger DD being tied to people who believe this is OK. It is not. I hope your younger DD grows up understanding that as well as you do.
Take care of yourself x

And it would your choice to do that, same as it’s their choice not to. You really can’t assume that people will do the same as you would.

I really don’t think there’s a right or wrong about this. It’s not a matter of logic. It’s different cultures/values. I wouldn’t treat my grandchildren the same as my sibling’s grandchildren unless circumstance required me to. My parents don’t treat their step-grandchildren at all like their grandchildren (chalk and cheese!). Absolutely nobody is negatively impacted by this, although I concede it’s taken time to get here. My parents are very clear in their minds about who they have a duty and responsibility to, and it’s not somebody else’s grandchildren.

All of which means that you, as the parent of both children and the one who brought the existing child into this dynamic, should have been more circumspect about doing so if you mind this approach so much. It was your job to do your due diligence on the family your existing child would be joining. You didn’t, for whatever reason, so now the consequences of failing to do so are for you to deal with. You have to make this good for your children. You can’t put responsibility for your children’s well-being on other people when you’re a capable parent.

These situations are notoriously tricky. And, in the olden days, when divorce wasn’t a “thing”, a stepparent would only be so because a parent had died. And then there was usually a pretty set “order” of how things went. But modern blended families are different - and are all unique in their setup. So there isn’t one, “right” way to approach these issues - and so you can get situations like this one where people wildly differ in their views of how things should be “done”. While I do think it’s unkind to exclude a child for the cost of a pizza and a theatre ticket, you can see situations (think school fees, inheritance etc) where people wouldn’t be perfectly justified in not regarding their child’s stepchild as “their grandchild”. And I think you have to accept as a parent in this scenario that others may not see it the way you might wish them to (and accept that that is their right). Very difficult all round. I do think the DH in question has got off lightly here, though - because I’d assume that (to a large extent at least) his attitude to the child would inform that of his family. So - if he is firmly of the view that he has two children, his family is more likely to go along and be accepting of that. I think I’d be looking a bit closer to home than the SIL in terms of where this attitude stems from.

It seems a bit of a booby prize for the excluded parties to me. Somehow that would just make it worse.

I would have let her go.

Are you serious? What a ridiculous thing to even think let alone say out loud!! 🙄 DH's 'family' should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves and he more than anyone. 🤔 She's 9 years old and will have veryittle or possibly no concept of blood 'connection', all she will see is that her little sister is being taken on an amazing outing and she's not included...WTAF!!! I wish I could give these mean spirited, self righteous and selfish individuals a piece of my mind!! 😡

NOT the same situation, and not even comparable! One to one with a half interested father and possibly tea with his family hardly lives up to a show at the Palladium and a meal with a group of other children...It's ridiculous to imagine that the younger half sister would even be happy going out with what would be virtually strangers?!
Maybe think things through before asking pointless questions? 🙄

Well said, @Cariadm

Those people should hang their heads in shame.

The point is that they don’t have all the same relationships in common. The sisters absolutely do understand the concept of blood connection, given that they know they don’t have the same father, and that the eldest spends time with her own paternal family.

The poor relationship that the eldest has with her paternal side doesn’t oblige her stepfather’s family to step in and assume those roles, and they’re clearly not going to.

No they're definitely not 'obliged' to act kindly and caringly to a relatively young child that has become part of their family through marriage, especially one whose own relationship with her own father is lacking and might be making her already sad? Nobody is obliged to be a nice human being or to understand that the perceived reasons given as justification for leaving a little girl out of a Christmas outing are not going to be seen in the same way by the child herself who will be potentially hurt, upset and mystified as to why she is not included and that is completely unforgivable and totally unnecessary...If you can't see that then you're as mean spirited as DH's family! 😡

Cariadm no need for that. Everybody on the thread can see how this has happened. I don't think one person has said that they would do this or be comfortable with it. The thing is, there is nothing that can be done about it - the family do not feel the same way about their relative's step-child as they do about his actual child. End of story.

This was for OP's husband and for OP to iron out, before marriage and before having a child together. The fact that OP's husband didn't (presumably) raise this with his parents/sister, etc. to find out how they would treat the step-child is absolutely what has caused this mess.

It's all very well for you to call posters here mean-spirited but we're not, many of us are just realistic where you are not.

Luckily, you don’t have to think I’m a ‘nice’ (the most bland and milquetoast descriptor you could have gone for, btw) person, and in fact are more than welcome not to.

Not treating her as something she isn’t, in this case as a niece or grandchild, isn’t the same thing as treating someone unkindly. I’m sure OP can explain to her that both girls get to have time with their respective paternal families, something she should be perfectly able to grasp.

Not treating her as something she isn’t, in this case as a niece or grandchild, isn’t the same thing as treating someone unkindly.

This is true, of course. But I would assume that the reason that she isn’t treated as a niece or a grandchild by the SILs and MIL is most likely to be because the DH doesn’t regard her as his daughter. And that’s most likely to be at the core of it, because (in my experience, at least) families tend to take their cues from each other. I’ve known a couple of these situations where a stepchild has been completely assimilated into the wider family - but that has always coincided with the stepfather regarding the child as “his”. I would think that the OP needs to look to her own husband as the first port of call here.

Not necessarily. Thread come up quite often where families don’t accept a child despite the step parent wanting them to. In some cases where the step child has no other paternal figure and has been raised in that family since a baby.

I honestly don't understand the forcing of relationships with blended families! If you've known the child since they were younger than 3 it makes sense - any older you're maybe friends at best

Your husbands family sound vile, we have many different family dynamics in our family and our wider family that consist of step children (we call them bonus children) and adopted and fostered children. I'm so proud that every member of the whole family treat each and every one of them the same. In my opinion, it shows the mark of a person if they deliberately go out of their way to exclude a child. You need to lay some very firm boundaries with your husband and his family.

I would have let her go. Your SIL wants to take her niece out, your elder DD is not her niece.
I dont hold with trying to blend families by pretending relationships exist that aren't there. If I was your SIL I'd bring them both, but nobody has to.

This, your daughter isn't her niece/her DCs cousin.

Also if your eldests Dads family are a bit shit so your eldest doesn't equivalent fun with her paternal family, then who you should feel aggrieved with is her Dads family, they are the ones being shit

Both should be treated the same. Its the same problem I have with my husbands family. My eldest son isn't treated the same as my daughter who I share with my husband and it really winds me up. They are both my children and If they want me as part of their life then both of my children ahould be included

I was brought up in a blended family, me and my full sisters were treated very differently than my brothers (who had a different mum, but the same dad) by my step mother and her family. We were never given gifts but sat there while my Brothers were, we were very aware that we were the outsiders. At the time I felt very resentful of my brothers and their family. Now as an adult, watching my grown up sister manage her blended family with a very hard line that all children are treated equally, I am resentful that my dad never stood up for us and that he sat there and allowed us to feel excluded. I think you are doing your kids a favour by insisting it’s both of them or neither of them.

You had a full family - don't you get this? Your brothers did were from a broken home. Do a few extra presents make up for it? Seriously?

They are both my children and If they want me as part of their life then both of my children ahould be included

Your husband wants you as part of his life, his siblings haven't had much say in it have they? I am married to my DH and have 2 children with him. I get on well with his family but i can easily see how if DH and i divorced, that relationship would dissipate, they would see DH and the children whom they are related to but not me.

Where does this 'come as a package' stop? And imagine what will happen when grandparents leave inheritance? How 'they come as a package' will play out then? Dad inherits and then is forced to share equally? Whilst no way the same will happen to what dh1 leaves. Madness. Or even better - nobody dies, but grandparents decide to pay for dd2 private school - what does op say? No, she can't go, because they have to pay for dd1 too?