Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

It does feel a bit mean, because she’s just one child. If you had 2/3 from a previous relationship I think it would be different, from a pure cost perspective if nothing else.

You can’t force them to see your elder daughter as more to them than they do. I’ve no doubt that will colour your feelings towards them.

Good on you OP for standing up for your DD! Cannot believe some of the replies here.

There is no way I would offer to pay for my child.

They don’t want her there. She is not their niece. End of!

They see this as their Christmas tradition. Easier for her to arrange as she doesn’t have to get presents.

One thing I missed out as it’s only just occurred to me. She and her husband take the siblings and their partners for a curry once a year. No kids invited. But nobody gets a present.

Younger one knows that her daddy isn’t her sister’s and about 6 months ago asked a lot about this but doesn’t mention anymore.

Of course it’s absurd, that’s the point. Both girls already understand that while they may be sisters, they don’t have all the same family members in common, and that they won’t all have the same experiences by virtue of having differently fathers.

That your in laws know her doesn’t make her a niece or grandchild to them, and they are right that she is extended family. You can want them to step in to compensate for the perceived failings of father’s side, but they are in no way responsible for that. You being upset doesn’t mean they’ve done anything wrong, and if you’re encouraging your eldest to look at them at family to her in the same way they are to her sister, then it’s you that is doing her a disservice. They’ve made it very apparent that they’re not going to assume those roles, and you’re not going to force them to.

His sister has turned his head? As opposed to you having rightful control? Your husband is a grown man with a mind of his own, and capable of disagreeing with you.

If it was important to you that your in laws look upon your daughter as ‘theirs’ then you shouldn’t have married and had another child with your husband. However, you did, and this is your reality. Your children will be treated differently because they are different, and proverbially kicking and screaming isn’t going to force your in laws into pretending you’re a nuclear family.

It’s OP, the one that was and is responsible for her child, that needed to look beyond the end of her nose and consider the consequences.

You're meant to be a team. Your Husbands statement "should his sister ever invite my younger daughter again that she will be going!" would right royally piss me off. He doesn't get to unilaterally make decisions about your joint child. But, neither do you.

Realistically, I think you need to be clear with your older daughter that they aren't her family. They are her sisters family. I'd leave your H to take your joint child to his family functions and stay at home with your daughter/ take her out for 1:1 time. Their position is clear and a hazard of blended families. I'd limit your contact and your older daughters with them and leave H to facilitate all his contact. I'd also leave him to do all the life admin/ remembering/ present buying fir his side of the family.

Your upset seems to be misplaced though. Your upset should be with you ex partner who is utterly shit and his useless family, not on your MIL/SIL.

Yes, as she’s the parent of both children. But also no because he’s a grown man who voluntarily assumed a role in his step-daughter’s life. You don’t pick up and drop a child like she’s a pet turtle.

I agree with your position (it’s the same in my family) but not as vehemently as you. It can be very complicated. OP has got some decisions to make.

I say good on your dh. He is right never allowing her to spend time with her family without her sister will hamper her relationship with them.

Your anger should be levelled at her deadbeat dad/auntys/uncles and grandparents not your husband’s family who actually have more of a relationship with your child than her own family does.

Your daughters know they have different families it would be crazy to try and pretend otherwise. Being a blended family means that children are going to be treated differently, one will always have more than the other one will always get to live with their dad while the other doesn’t. That’s a choice you made when you married and had a child with someone else.

I think it’s sad that your in-laws don’t treat your older daughter (who has lived full-time with your DH for years!) as a full member of the family for this type of thing. That said, it’s difficult to navigate given that this is their position.

We don’t know exactly what role he assumed. Treating her equally in his home doesn’t mean he sees her as his actual daughter (and on that note, easy to make promises and assumptions about theoreticals when you have no experience as to the reality. He didn’t have his own child then, so how could he possibly know that he would feel the same for both?). Either way, he could only make the choice for himself, not his family.

If it was important to OP that his family accept her daughter as theirs then it was on her to address the issue before she married him and had another child, and not done either when it was clear that 1, that wasn’t going to happen, and 2, that he wasn’t going to cut off his family for not falling in line.

I can't believe the mentality of some people. The child exists as part of the household. It's cruel and stupid to treat siblings differently due to bloodlines. The arguments for doing so are mindless, stingy and mean.

I'd be rethinking the entire marriage, frankly.

We’re only talking about panto ticket and an extra child. It’s not nice and it’s their loss. No way would I be offering to pay for her to go. I wouldn’t let her go where she wasn’t wanted and would be treated differently. , Moving forward I’d probably encourage DH to take younger daughter to see his family when he wanted but my eldest and myself would have other stuff to do that day.

InterIgnis

While I never ever thought that they should compensate her for her father’s family I would never have believed either that they would deliberately leave her out of a treat her sister was having.

WhoopsNow

There can’t really be a compromise as she either goes or she doesn’t.

DH and his siblings adore their parents and each other and have a close relationship with their extended family.

How about if your husband had a conversation with his family about your daughter/his step-daughter to ascertain how they actually feel about this and how involved they want to be/expect her to be, in the wider family?

Maybe not until after Christmas as that's a volatile time for some but afterwards, when things have calmed down.

Everybody will know where they stand then and whilst the outcome might not be ideal, it will be clear.

Haha I’ve just said the same no way I’d pay and in my case, it would as they have warned ,affect family relationships moving forward. DH could take younger daughter to see them when he wanted but not with me and my eldest. They could just get on with it. And I wouldn’t be at the annual curry either. I wouldn’t kick up a fuss. I just wouldn’t go.

Op
I know this is hard on you and your daughter. I'd take the opportunity to do something lovely with your oldest daughter when ever her sister is out with your husband family. It would be lovely if your husbands family treated her like a blood niece but you can't force them to and I'm inclined to agree that your can't prevent your youngest in having a close relationship with them just because they won't include your daughter. She may rightly absolutely resent you down the road.

You said it upsets you that they treat her as extended family, so it reads like you do in fact expect them to consider her a grandchild/niece.

Why can’t they just treat your youngest? Why can’t they both get to spend time with their respective paternal families?

I think it's really rude. OP has always bought Christmas presents for her SIL's kids even though SIL said that she didn't buy presents.

However, instead of presents she treats her SIL and her nieces and nephews to a show and a meal out.

Now OP's younger daughter is old enough, they want to invite her. Surely as this is in lieu of buying presents for OP's kids (as OP has always bought presents for all their kids), both children should be invited?

If they bought presents, they could buy their blood related niece a bigger present but still buy OP's older daughter something smaller so she isn't totally left out and forgotten.

So as well as being pretty shitty and unkind to OP's older daughter, it is really bad mannered of them.

Well no, the SIL made it very clear to OP, repeatedly, that she doesn’t buy cards and presents. She said that if OP wanted to buy presents anyway that was up to her, but that it wouldn’t be reciprocated. She was transparent and OP took no issue with that. That isn’t rude - what would be rude would be OP claiming that SIL owes her.

The plus is that you've been told the oldest sister is unlikely to issue an invitation again so you don't have that hanging over you. (Just my opinion but I think she must be truly ghastly to either thoughtlessly or deliberately drive a wedge between two sisters.) So I guess you're going to have to have a lot of discussion with your partner about what being a family together actually means and how your future together looks. And you'll be thinking immediately of how much effort you want to make towards his family yourself. Quite shocking that they all think the same way, and I guess that means they're unlikely to become any better. Plus, of course, there's what you can do to fill the family gap in your eldest's life. Not easy, OP.

InterIgnis

I never consciously thought “Yipee I have got a family for my eldest” BUT if I were buying Christmas presents for my grandchildren and my sister’s grandchildren I would buy a grandchild’s half-sibling something more akin to a grandchild than a great niece.

Yes they're unreasonable. But you can't change how they think/feel. They would have included her already if they were different people.

All you can do is change how you react. Going forwards youngest DD can go, and you, oldest DD and DH can do something special just you. Make it something really special, a tradition just for you three.

Great niece is a good compromise I’d have thought. That’s family. What’s wrong with great niece?

It’s someone the same generation as a grandchild and is someone she buys a gift for. Your DD is in their extended family network. She’s their son’s stepchild, so it’s good they buy her a gift, but she isn’t their grandchild.

It's your job to compensate for the disparity in family set-ups between your two children. It isn't your DH's family's job. It would be nice but it shouldn't be an expectation.

Your youngest child is going to become resentful down the line if you aren't careful. Unfortunately your firstborn is likely to feel resentful no matter what you do due to her deadbeat family. You can soften that resentment by trying to balance out the additional experiences your DD2 gets to have with her family members.