Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

It feels mean to exclude the older child. If they make no effort to bond with her then that strikes me as a little cold.

I appreciate that with blended families things can be tricky to navigate but Christmas seems like the best time to make an effort to include everyone. If it’s a disaster then it doesn’t have to be repeated but it could end up being great.

Well, we don’t consider a sister in law the same as a sister, or a mil the same as a mother. We differentiate between in laws and blood relatives, and we don’t expect or demand they be treated as the same.That doesn’t mean we don’t have a relationship with them, it means the relationships are different. In this case the relationship they have with their grandchild/niece is different to the one they have with her half sister. OP’s eldest is an in law to them, same as OP is.

I'd argue we differentiate in love because we spent a childhood with a sister and a lifetime with our mother. We grew up and lived together for the best part of 18yrs. Which we didn't with a MIL or SIL. They came to us later. It's nothing to do with blood and all to do with shared experiences and time spent.

I have a half sister who I didn't grow up with. I share blood with her, she has my DNA. We look very very similar, more alike than I do with my full siblings. I didn't share a house with her. She came along in life when I was already a teenager. She lived further away and I saw her a handful of times growing up. I am closer to my MIL and my SIL's than I am to her.

Either way, none of what you write has any impact on this scenario - I don't invite my brother to an event and exclude his wife. They come as a package.

We're not talking about organ donation here.
We're talking about a panto ticket for a child, for 2 sisters that live together.

Perhaps, but the importance placed on blood relationships is demonstrable across cultures throughout history. As unimportant as blood ties may be to you, it’s disingenuous to pretend that others can and do place importance upon them. The family in this scenario do consider their granddaughter/niece differently to her sister, on account of her being their actual granddaughter/niece.

I’ve gone to events with my brothers san his partner 🤷🏻‍♀️ they come as a package at times, and individuals at others. The sisters don’t come as a package when the eldest sees her own paternal family (so they do already have different experiences), so why do they need to come as a package when the youngest is invited to spend time with hers?

'If older one was going out with her dad for her birthday then would you insist she can’t go if the younger child isn’t also going because it’s unfair?'
Totally different and not in the least comparable situation!! 🙄
A Father/child relationship is a close personal thing and one child going out with a parent is nothing like a group of children going to a show then a meal at Christmas?!
It's nothing to do with fairness either, it's simply unkind and uncaring to not realise that a 9 year old could potentially be very hurt and upset and not understand why she was left out of the invitation? Can't blame her for that either as there isn't a good reason!! 😥
Sorry but your SIL sounds more than a little 'up herself' and rather mean spirited? She needs to start thinking about the 'ripples' her actions are causing.😱
It wouldn't even be a consideration in my book to not include a step child and your MIL and your DH are also at fault for not realising this, what's the matter with these people? 🤔
You said your DH wouldn't 'challenge' you but how about he shows a little more thoughtfulness for his step-daughter and backs you up as well!! 😡

I guess because the in laws are a part of the older DDs life, whereas the older DDs dad isn’t a part of the younger DDs life, it’s different.

My Dh's Neice's stepdaughter has been a fantastic positive influence on our DS, she is a lovely girl and I often forget she has no blood ties to our family and even less to me.

Shame your Sil doesn't think the same..

And if she wasn't a positive influence to your son, would you still forget that she has no blood ties to your family?

Your experience isn't everyone else's and blood ties are a real thing, when it matters.

It isn’t different if the argument is ‘the sisters come as a package’, when they don’t. The eldest has different experiences by virtue of having a different father, so why can’t the youngest have the same with her paternal family?

While OP’s in laws may be part of her life, they aren’t family to her in the way in the way the youngest is. It is different. OP’s mother in law is part of her life, but I doubt she’s invited every time OP wants to spend time with her mother.

Growing up in this situation i hated that i missed out on things with my family because my sister wasn't included. She was included in all the other stuff as a family but i wasnt allowed to bond with my family because hers were shit.

But the OPs DM and MIL are adults, the girls are young children. The older DD will get to do things with her Dad when she’s staying at her Dad’s house. This particular situation sounds like the older DD will be at home when the younger DD is due to go out. I honestly think it’s weird as hell to not invite both the girls in this situation. It would be like coming to visit with a present for only one child, knowing they’re both there.

Only taking DD2 out when DD1 is at her Dad’s is fine, when she isn’t, it’s not.

I honestly think it’s weird as hell to not invite both the girls in this situation.

Me too. It's London's most spectacular panto. Who think it's okay to leave one child out of that?

Old enough to understand that while they may be sisters, they don’t all have the same relationships in common, and they’re not always going to have the same experiences. That’s obviously a concept they’re capable of grasping when the oldest goes alone to her father’s.

It’s weird to you, sure, but it’s not uncommon at all for a lot of, if not most, blended families to work that way. I personally don’t see the problem, and nor do I think it’s the same as bringing only a present for one. Each to their own though.

I think it’s othering DD1 in her own house, and I hand on heart do not know of any blended families who would think the proposed idea was okay.

DD1’s dad and his parents aren’t a part of DD2’s family unit, whereas DD2’s dad and parents are a part of DD1’s family unit. They’re members of DD1’s extended family. And lastly it is the same as an only bringing one present - it literally is a present in non physical form!

I don’t live in a blended family and I definately don’t think this is ok either. How could they leave a child out.

The point is that they don’t have all the same members in common, and the concept of them individually doing things with their respective ones isn’t an alien one.

In the blended families I know, this wouldn’t raise eyebrows 🤷🏻‍♀️ they may be part of the DD1’s family unit, but they’re not her grandparents or her aunts/uncles. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for them to do things separately. Like I said though, each to their own. We don’t have to agree.

You can't "other" someone who is actually other. OPs DD2 is their niece, her DD1...isn't. she just isn't.

You can't just pretend these differences don't exist and force people to see it how you want them.to. life doesn't work like that.

But she is an other. As upsetting as that might be those trying to erase the past and pretend they are one family.

But the in laws weren’t asked if they wanted to be part of DD1’s life; same as with all these stories. It was just thrust upon them with expectation that they will treat DD1 the same as DD2, especially as OP procreated with a moron who doesn’t care, so the need the IL’s to step in to compensate

Sadly they are arent they, some people just can't see past it. Actually the neice is a bit that way inclined, strangely, not to the stepdaughter but to me as an -in-law.

As a stepmother to 2 (previous relationship) who treated me abysmally at times and were very quick to disown me I've been on the wrong end of that thought process before. But hopefully I don't have the same philosophy, i probably never gave, but now I only have contact with one blood relative (DS) as I'd be very alone.

Families can be hugely complex and it's hard to navigate your way sometimes. We don't have any blending in our family but if we did, I would never leave a child out of gifts. Outings might be a bit different, depends on many variables - ages, who else is going, that kind of thing.

I'm sorry that you were treated badly as a stepmother previously, you sound kind and very inclusive. I'm glad that your relationship with your niece's stepdaughter is positive and I hope that endures.

So I have now been reliably informed by my husband that should his sister ever invite my younger daughter again that she will be going!

He was at his parents’ house when his younger sister arrived and the conversation around my younger daughter not being allowed to go to The Palladium began. She asked him what my little one had said when she was told and obviously the reply was that little one hadn’t been told.

She completely used her barrister’s skills to turn his head asking questions without offering opinions. He now thinks her not going will get in the way of her relating to her family.

What other sister did say was that elder sister however, is unlikely to ask again. I estimate that that matinee and meal costs her around £700 for 8 people! Money is not an issue.

What he did say though was that elder daughter would get an equal experience if younger went.

My elder daughter is given a Christmas present equivalent to what MiL gives to the granddaughters of her own sister. So she thinks my daughter is a member of her ‘extended’ family. This has always upset me.

As for posters saying my youngest should be going out with her sister’s father, it’s utterly absurd. They have nothing to do with her but my husband’s family know my elder daughter.

Sorry OP, what a way to start Christmas week.

I just shake my head at all these men who marry single mums without thinking beyond the end of his nose. He clearly didn’t think through the consequences of having a child with you. My DH would be the same: oh it’s fine, we’ll make it work, the more the merrier, of course I’d treat them the same. But he’s not. Neither you nor your family can make his family feel anything they don’t feel towards your eldest, and you can’t force them to act in this way or that. They spent choose to marry you and bring your eldest into the family. Only your DH did. He has to follow through with what that means. So far it sounds as though he’s going whichever way the woman in front of him suggests he should go. That’ll only end up in him throwing up his hands in despair and walking away from the situation, making it your problem and yours alone.

Did you not discuss all this when you got together? When you got pregnant with your youngest? Or after she was born? How is this coming up so late in the day?

You have difficult discussions ahead. You are the only one with two biological children, you’re in the trickiest situation. Your DH needs to decide what he wants to do and move forward regardless of the consequences. Sadly, if he hasn’t already realised he needs to make an extra effort for your eldest, it’s not looking like an easy leap for him to make now.

Just because your Eldest father and relations are crap, that doesn't mean the side of the family who isn't related to her has to pick up the slack.

I would have offered to pay for your 9 year old.