Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

But it’s not SIL’s job to treat her all the time. Can she afford it? Can she manage an additional child? Who knows.

As I said before, if OP and her DH split up, does that mean they still always take both or does the oldest still get time with her dad’s side but the youngest doesn’t?

I just think it could be reframed as a nice opportunity to create a tradition for OP and eldest daughter to have a special day each year for just them 🤷🏽‍♀️

She might not be your husband’s biological daughter but she's his stepdaughter.

I'm not sure I would want either daughter spending too much time with them.

This might have been a good solution.

I agree that it is horrible for the younger one to be invited and not the elder. I can’t imagine being your SIL and not being able to see that without being told.

Fine, if your elder DD had a good relationship with her Dad and his side of the family, got taken on separate outings etc, but surely it’s obvious in these circumstances that you invite her too?

‘There’s no way on earth I am going to beg for an invitation for my beautiful child let alone offer to pay‘

Absolutely! There would be no way I’d do that either. I’d avoid my child having too much contact at all with them if they were going to make her feel second class. Their loss.

Blended families are complicated and what works for one, doesn’t work for another. DH needs to take the responsibility for communicating with his family. If he feels his DSD should be included, he needs to address it, not OP.

What was his family’s relationship like with his DSD before his DD was born? Did he do anything to facilitate a relationship before they had a child together? Did he even ask his sister to include his DSD? Is there a reason his sister doesn’t want to include his DSD?

Before blending families, people need to have detailed conversations about relationships with extended family. DH’s family didn’t make the decision to be blended. There could be many reasons they didn’t include the DSD. They could just be jerks, or there could be behavioral issues with DSD, or many reasons in between. Maybe they see red flags in OP’s marriage.

At this point, OP and DH need to work out between themselves the kind of relationships they want with extended families. Then they each need to discuss this with their own families. Hopefully, compromises can be reached so that both children can have good relationships with everyone. OP may need to accept that DH’s family aren’t responsible for replacing her DD1’s paternal family. She may also need to adjust her expectations and teach her DD1 that she might not be included in everything. OP and DH should take the lead on hosting/planning activities so they can choose to include OP’s DD1.

I grew up in a blended family. My parent and stepparent did a terrible job dealing with everything. I had a step sibling who was extremely poorly behaved. I wasn’t allowed to do things with my relatives if step sibling wasn’t included, but they behaved so badly, they either ruined the activity or the relatives didn’t want to include them. This meant that I was no longer included in these activities or couldn’t enjoy my time with relatives. It was unfair to me and damaged my relationships with a lot of family.

My personal opinion is that if there aren’t extenuating circumstances, like bad behavior, then extended family should make an effort to include stepchildren in some outings/activities. I think it is also ok to have some things for just the children born or adopted into the family. OP should take these opportunity to do special things with just DD1 during these things. Instead of focusing on what DD1 is excluded from, focus on when she is included.

But doesn't the 9 year old do things with her dad and dad's family?

Thats what I was thinking too. Does your ex husband just see the eldest daughter?

I was the younger dd in this sort of situation and it made me feel awkward and very conflicted when my dsis was excluded or treated differently. It made me trust the adults involved less, and see them as emotionally unsafe.

I agree with you op.

I really don't know what this has to do with 'blood of the covenant'? I'm not religious and I use 'blood is thicker than water in this context and no other':

idiom. used to say that a person's family is more important than a person's other relationships or needs.

Blood is thicker than water - Merriam-Webster

That's where I'm coming from; I'm not interested in any religious explanations.

Honestly this does come down to your hubby. If he gives the message to his family that he considers your child equal to his biological child then they will change their behaviour.

My kid is part of a blended situation and I fully agree.

I think you were right

Take both girls to the panto yourself

SIL is an arse

I think your SIL is being mean spirited and quite understand your point of view however I would have allowed the youngest to go and taken your eldest out for a special mum day. I would steer clear of the inlaws though after this and 100% no more unreciprocated gifts

Stop nothing to buy for her kids and take yours yourself. It's not unreasonable to expect your children to be treated the same.

Because someone said that ‘blood is thicker than water’ isn’t the original quote, and that the original one (supposedly ‘the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb’) in fact means the opposite. That’s incorrect, ‘blood is thicker than water’ IS the original, and means exactly what it says.

That’s isn’t a religious explanation, and it’s not a religious proverb in the first place.

People can have as many ideas as they like about how blended families ‘should’ operate, but there really isn’t a set rule.

Your oldest isn’t a grandchild/niece to your in laws, and they’re not going to treat her as one. IYour children are equal to you, but they’re not equal in the eyes of your in laws. It isn’t their fault that she has a poor relationship with her paternal family, and it’s not something they’re required to compensate for. It doesn’t matter that other families may not differentiate between steps and biological children, plenty of others do and the one you’ve married into is one of them.

Keeping your youngest daughter away from them isn’t something you can do without the support of your husband (and based on what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like he is fully in agreement with you here), and while she may grow up to share your opinion, equally she may not. There’s been more than one thread on here where the younger child has grown to resent their mother/half sibling for being the reason they’ve been denied a relationship with their paternal family for this reason.

I wouldn’t encourage your eldest to look at your in laws as being her grandparents/aunts/uncles, because doing so will only lead to disappointment.

Regardless of the blood relationship; clearly your husband has taken up raising your daughter as his own- he needs to make this very clear to his family- the issue here lies with you DH- his family will take their cues from him abd he should be making it clear that your child needs to be treated fairly in the same way as her sister; but this can only come genuinely from him. If his relationship with your daughter is not similar to what it is with her sister her family follow his example. I take it him agreeing that only his child would go suggests he doesn't think your child is now his 'adopted' daughter. would they be treating a formally adopted child any differently?

Why can't you take out your eldest when they take out your youngest.

If you and your husband split up, will they still see your daughter?

I would invite her in their place, but I can see why extended family don't see children from previous relationships in the same way.

I think it’s mean not to include your oldest daughter. She’s a child and your girls are half sisters and brought up together. I would never do that. She’s should be included. I would say both go or neither.

The thing is those saying the step child should be treated exactly the same as the biological child, it isn't the same relationship. If op and her DH split up then DH will have no right at all to see the step child and the family may never see her again.

This is what happened when my brother split with his wife. We all never saw her children again. She wouldn't allow it

I agree with a pp that DH made the choice to become a step parent when he became involved with someone with a child. His family made no such choice. It is quite controlling of the two people who made that choice to dictate how the others should perceive their own relationship with a child

Although difficult you should be explaining to your older DD that she has her own grandparents, Aunties etc.

You cannot force DH's family to be their replacement if that's not what they want

Does your husband treat your daughter as his own? If so, his family should embrace her. He has to set the tone.

But least we forget that the OP is buying presents for the womans' children who are not biologically related to her.

Should my DH not have a relationship with my siblings children because they are not in his bloodline and because if DH and I got divorced he probably wouldn't see them again? Is that what we're all doing here? Just so I understand - we are casting children in our families aside if we don't share blood with them? So my husbands sister - when she has a baby, I say 'nope, not for me, sorry - don't share the same blood, so that's not my niece/nephew - no panto invite or presents for you'. Because afterall if DH and I split up, I'm not going to be in the kids life, am I?

I mean what a really odd way of looking at it. Should families only socialise based on who shares blood? Does this mean DH and I should do Christmas separately because my in-laws aren't my blood..... I mean we're only interested in relatives that share our DNA - so that's all of our spouses family uninvited from all family events. You can see how obviously problematic this is but in the instance of a child who has been married into a family - well that's a seperate issue....blood really matters then, but doesn't matter so much when it comes to other relatives marrying in, or in fact all the extended family we inherit through marriage. It's just the little'ones from broken homes that we really really dislike and want to make sure they aren't invited to family events. Just the weakest and most vulnerable members of our extended family that we want to alienate. Righto!

Or.....let's just call a spade a spade - the SIl is a dick. Anyone who wants to alienate a young child and refuse to accept them as family in this situation is a Grade A prick.

I couldn't agree more, @Polly47.

sorry i know they're both your children and you see them the same. DH married you and sees your DC as his. You can't force his family to see your elder daughter as their grandchild/niece because tbh they are not.

what your BIL did wasn't nice but may not have been intentional, he doesn't see her as his niece and forgot about her. Probably wasn't malicious. My DH does this, not because he has malicious intent but because he forgets about these 'nephews' because he doesn't see them frequently and hasn't got a bond with them. I always remember and ensure they're not excluded as it's not nice.

You're not wrong to call them out but you're wrong to expect the same treatment for both of your kids when they only see one as their niece.