The annual Christmas ritual of reading DP the riot act

[DBD1975]

Looking for any tips or advice following on from the why do men steal all of the joy out of everything.

My family Christmas day, in-laws Boxing day. Just about to have the annual talk about don't make Christmas day weird or awkward by having to prompt you to be a courteous host, don't roll your eyes every time I ask you to help with something. Be sociable, join in and make an effort.

So far I have done everything for Christmas including buying my own presents for DP to give me and buying all the presents for in-laws and I will also be wrapping them.

DP has done s** all other than moan, sulk and act like a petulant teenager.

I will end up having to have the extra energy on both days to make up for my DP being so lack lustre/bar humbug.

It is more the upset in his routine which he finds hard to cope with, not to mention the chaos which comes with Christmas.

Any tips or advice gratefully received. Please note I have no intention of splitting up with him for those who will go nuclear over the situation.

I feel sorry for the bloke. He doesn't enjoy Christmas the way op organises it, but year after year that's what he gets. And on top of that has to listen to a diatribe from op about how useless he is.

OP, have you ever had a conversation with him about how he would like to spend Christmas, and actually listened to what he said? Or do you go ahead regardless every year with Christmas how you think it should be done?

I caused absolute shock in my office (all female) the other day when I announced that I have never in my life cooked a Christmas dinner. My DH enjoys cooking so he does it-but an office full of 7 women apparently had never considered the idea that a woman with 4 DC (ie me) wouldn’t cook Christmas dinner!

I've never cooked one either! DH is far better at it than I am anyway and he enjoys it, so leave him to it 😂

My OH would willingly have his two brothers over at Christmas but that ain't happening! One is a lecherous berk and the other has the teenage girl from hell. I would sooner stick pins in my eyes than entertain either of them.

I sawed the legs off the dining table several years ago. No regrets.

We now have a low key Christmas but like @JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam 's work colleagues, everyone judging has more complicated standards. And seems unwilling to do it one year but not the next.

So no MIL I did not make my a wreath for the front door despite having a ton of holly. I do like doing this if I have the time but it's rained so much I can't face it. DH doesn't get asked.
I have not finalised a menu and booked a delivery mum, I'm not being lazy, I just thought we'd have the fun of the last minute meat choice. DH doesn't get asked.
I have bought the kids presents and wrapped them in November, feeling a bit smug on that. DH 's contribution is to say ' thats done then' meaning don't buy anymore. It's not excessive or designer but warm for our freezing house and one off brand fun element.

I also feel like I'm dragging the baggage and decision making from the previous 30 years. Don't be like me OP, sort it now.

Well you can carry on as you or you can JUST STOP.
STOP Shopping for the in laws. Write to them all after this Christmas to say that youve asked him to do this job next year and they should let him know what they'd like.
STOP inviting in laws for Boxing Day. Why are you doing this? If he wants them. He can organise.
STOP covering up for his discourtesy. Let him roll his eyes. Let his relatives see what he is like and maybe they will say something. At the moment, he gets off scott free whilst you deal with the shame of it.
STOP sending all the cards to his relatives.. give him the list in October and let him get on with it. If anyone complains refer them to him.
STOP letting this childish man escape all responsibility whilst you put on an excellent but largely unappreciated Christmas for everyone else. Give him a list of simple jobs to complete. If he can't do them, they don't get done. If relatives complain - refer them to him so they can see how little he's done.

Next year. Book a Christmas holiday and have an actually holiday from all this crap. Invite him if he wants to come. If he wants to sulk, nothing you do seems to have any effect - so just let him sulk. He does it to get a reaction and get you running about trying to please him and make everything perfect. Just stop!

Jakers!!

I'd agree with the matching his energy part. Before kids me and dh did certain Christmas things that just fell away on his side. They was dh traditions and things he liked. I'd beat myself up for about two years that I was picking up these traditions for him. Then two years ago I stopped doing that thing. He didn't comment or arrange it himself. It just fell away. I don't care because it was his thing and clearly stopped caring about it too. It's all good. Less work.

Let him sulk to. If in laws say "what does dh think, want etc" just reply "can you ask him please I don't know". Surely your parents are not judging you for him being a dick?

You sound a bit like my mother, who used to go over the top at Christmas, while my father disliked it and spent most of it being grumpy. Have you got children? If so you might want to have a think about how the combination of both your behaviours is affecting them. I barely celebrate Christmas now that I have a choice, it holds too many stressful memories for me.

You don’t mention if your alternate years? You said you read him the riot act for Xmas day only? Is this because he is more comfortable around his family? Or begrudges seeing your family every year and having to make do with Boxing Day for his?

There is no excuse for him not buying your presents, if presents is something you have both agreed to. Also you buying the in-laws. Just stop, if he doesn’t appreciate it.

I think sitting down, having a chat come to a compromise. It’s seems your ideas of Xmas are different, and just because you want a big day & presents doesn’t mean he does, but he can’t have it both ways. If he likes it then he needs to contribute.

I agree with this apart from:

STOP sending all the cards to his relatives.. give him the list in October and let him get on with it.

Why on earth does the man need to be provided with a list from OP of who is in his family to send cards to?! Surely he can work out the members of his family all by himself should he wish to send them cards....? Or am I missing something here 😂

@MissRoseDurward

I feel sorry for the bloke. He doesn't enjoy Christmas the way op organises it, but year after year that's what he gets. And on top of that has to listen to a diatribe from op about how useless he is.

You feel sorry for a bloke whose wife entertains his family without complaint every year (and presumably for the children and the wider family) and who can’t bestir himself to lift a finger in return?

Jesus wept.

Is it not OK for him to not like Christmas? I'd hate it if someone forced me to do a big family Christmas, not my thing at all. What if you alternate your ideal Christmas one year then his ideal Christmas the next?

Why on EARTH are you buying presents for your inlaws?

Stop covering for him.

You could try not treating him like a child, that might help. You shouldn't be telling an adult how to socialise or buying Xmas presents on their behalf.

Jesus Christ the bar is low on here, it's not a man thing. It's a crap partner thing to make no effort, not acknowledge the hard work put in, be petulant, moan and groan, blame and be thoughtless.

Men know what they're doing when they behave like this. It's not cute or acceptable.

This. After Christmas, bag him up with other rubbish unwanted gifts and drop him off at the charity shop.

I'd tell him to piss off to his parents for the day. He could go without presents if he hadn't bought any.

I’m assuming she has to wrap her own gifts!

This is your only option tbh

You could pick out the bits of Christmas you actually enjoy, do them without your partner's assistance but not include him. He might be happier that way. But buying your own gifts is genuinely sad.

Is it the case that Christmas has to be done your way, and he just has to suck it up, or does he get a say in how the day goes too?

It's a good idea in theory, but I doubt anyone would want him. He'd end up in landfill.

Indeed. My vagina makes the Windows shutdown noise just thinking about it. This is not a "men" problem, this is a "the man you chose to marry" problem.

You feel sorry for a bloke whose wife entertains his family without complaint every year

She chooses to entertain his family. She doesn't say that he wants or expects her to do it. And hardly without complaint, if reading him the riot act is an 'annual ritual'. If she doesn't want to do it, she could just - not do it.