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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The annual Christmas ritual of reading DP the riot act

322 replies

DBD1975 · 19/12/2024 12:16

Looking for any tips or advice following on from the why do men steal all of the joy out of everything.

My family Christmas day, in-laws Boxing day. Just about to have the annual talk about don't make Christmas day weird or awkward by having to prompt you to be a courteous host, don't roll your eyes every time I ask you to help with something. Be sociable, join in and make an effort.

So far I have done everything for Christmas including buying my own presents for DP to give me and buying all the presents for in-laws and I will also be wrapping them.

DP has done s** all other than moan, sulk and act like a petulant teenager.

I will end up having to have the extra energy on both days to make up for my DP being so lack lustre/bar humbug.

It is more the upset in his routine which he finds hard to cope with, not to mention the chaos which comes with Christmas.

Any tips or advice gratefully received. Please note I have no intention of splitting up with him for those who will go nuclear over the situation.

OP posts:
ChristmasinBrighton · 19/12/2024 19:32

Nobody likes or respects a martyr.

Spaceid · 19/12/2024 19:34

ginasevern · 19/12/2024 12:28

It's a man thing. The one and only task my late DH had at Christmas was to get the trimmings out of the very spidery garden shed. Jesus Christ, you would think he'd been asked to dig a mile long trench. He huffed, puffed and the air turned blue. One year he slipped on a bit of mud on the garden path and said he'd done his knee in so Christmas might as well be cancelled. He hadn't done his knee in, it was just intimidation. It was disgraceful and pathetic.

It’s not a ‘man’ thing. Your husband is shit. None of my male family or friends are like this.

pompey38 · 19/12/2024 19:35

DBD1975 · 19/12/2024 12:16

Looking for any tips or advice following on from the why do men steal all of the joy out of everything.

My family Christmas day, in-laws Boxing day. Just about to have the annual talk about don't make Christmas day weird or awkward by having to prompt you to be a courteous host, don't roll your eyes every time I ask you to help with something. Be sociable, join in and make an effort.

So far I have done everything for Christmas including buying my own presents for DP to give me and buying all the presents for in-laws and I will also be wrapping them.

DP has done s** all other than moan, sulk and act like a petulant teenager.

I will end up having to have the extra energy on both days to make up for my DP being so lack lustre/bar humbug.

It is more the upset in his routine which he finds hard to cope with, not to mention the chaos which comes with Christmas.

Any tips or advice gratefully received. Please note I have no intention of splitting up with him for those who will go nuclear over the situation.

You buy your own presents?? 😂😂

Newdaynewstarts · 19/12/2024 19:35

I’m a pretty useful doormat and even I don’t do dp side of things. That is for him.

Capricornandproud · 19/12/2024 19:36

I voted YABU as…. Why the fuck are you putting up with the man child?

SixtySomething · 19/12/2024 20:11

biscuitsandbooks · 19/12/2024 19:13

He's not responsible for OP's family - if she chooses to host them on Christmas Day, that's for her to organise.

Likewise, she's not responsible for his family - I'm sure he managed to sort all his own presents out before she came along and if not, well, that's his choice.

As for OP buying her own presents and wrapping them - I despair of how low some people set their standards.

Show quote history

I don't think most marriages work like that. At the end of the day, it's all just family and marriage is usually viewe as a partnership.

biscuitsandbooks · 19/12/2024 20:14

SixtySomething · 19/12/2024 20:11

I don't think most marriages work like that. At the end of the day, it's all just family and marriage is usually viewe as a partnership.

Show quote history

Hm, not my experience at all, I have to say.

DH is responsible for his family - if he wants to host them, he arranges it. If he wants to see them, he organises it. He buys, wraps and sends presents. I do the same with my side.

He managed perfectly well before I came along and certainly doesn't need me holding his hand or taking over entirely now we're married. He's an adult, after all, not a seven year old.

I also wouldn't be particularly impressed if DH decided he had to arrange to see my parents, or decided to buy and wrap presents from us, to them. It would come across as pretty controlling and very weird.

SixtySomething · 19/12/2024 21:52

biscuitsandbooks · 19/12/2024 20:14

Hm, not my experience at all, I have to say.

DH is responsible for his family - if he wants to host them, he arranges it. If he wants to see them, he organises it. He buys, wraps and sends presents. I do the same with my side.

He managed perfectly well before I came along and certainly doesn't need me holding his hand or taking over entirely now we're married. He's an adult, after all, not a seven year old.

I also wouldn't be particularly impressed if DH decided he had to arrange to see my parents, or decided to buy and wrap presents from us, to them. It would come across as pretty controlling and very weird.

Show quote history

I think the situation you describe is perhaps just what OP would like but unfortunately her DH isn't playing ball.

biscuitsandbooks · 19/12/2024 23:05

@Capricornandproud yes, you're probably right - but nothing will change while she does it all for him.

StarkleLittleTwink · 20/12/2024 18:26

My DP is the same and we all usually end up having the Christmas Day row. I did reach the point a few years ago when I said I wouldn’t have another Christmas with him. However we now have grandkids and that seems to have changed things for the better. Nonetheless I do absolutely everything while he just sits back and lets me do it because he doesn’t “like Christmas “. What is it with these miserable men? What a spoilt, petulant arse he is. I feel sorry for you OP.

Eskimal · 20/12/2024 18:34

What’s he like the rest of the year?

Mumof3confused · 20/12/2024 18:35

What type of advice are you looking for, other than ‘stop enabling him’?

Therapy? An assessment to work out whether he’s neurotypical?

ISeeCheekyFuckers · 20/12/2024 18:36

Eskimal · 20/12/2024 18:34

What’s he like the rest of the year?

Typically autistic, judging by a search.

Cherrysoup · 20/12/2024 18:38

Why are you doing the wife work of buying his family presents and wrapping them, plus your own. I think that’s pretty shit.

PhotoFirePoet · 20/12/2024 18:38

“It is more the upset in his routine which he finds hard to cope with, not to mention the chaos which comes with Christmas.“

I think this is the crux of the matter; your husband dislikes chaos and routine changes and perhaps if your Christmas was just the two of you, he may be less bah humbug about it. I myself get very stressed by changes in my routine and cannot tolerate chaotic situations, and my husband understands this, so we stay home throughout Christmas, and therefore I enjoy it. Christmas does not HAVE to mean upheaval.

Shinyandnew1 · 20/12/2024 18:46

DBD1975 · 19/12/2024 12:27

Unfortunately not in a position to do so, only has elderly DF in sheltered accommodation so not an option!

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I don’t understand this. Why does him having a dad in sheltered accommodation mean leaving your husband to it isn’t possible?

How about you don’t buy and wrap presents for his family, you don’t invite the in laws and don’t buy your own presents? Does doing all those things make you or him happy? Try not doing them.

Timeforanotheraliasnow · 20/12/2024 19:06

You’re doing everything for Christmas anyway, just try to enjoy it with your guests and family and leave your husband to his own devices. If you stop enabling his petulant behaviour he might stop doing it. Merry Christmas!

JustWalkingTheDogs · 20/12/2024 19:08

Stop mothering him. Don't make up for his attitude, of he wants to roll his eyes or be unsociable let him - you are not his mother. He's a grown man who doesn't need you to tell him what to do.

Next year tell him he's responsible for shopping for his family, he's responsible for sorting Christmas Day if he wants his family there. Or better yet book yourself into a hotel for a few days over Xmas and leave him to it

emmax1980 · 20/12/2024 20:11

I would either get my partner to wrap the presents and of course choose them or get a gift voucher. Why have to do it all yourself, even having family around, I would say not this year.

Mrsmouse71 · 20/12/2024 20:23

You buy your own presents?

why??

rb124 · 20/12/2024 20:27

I'm no medical expert, but your DHs behaviour (keeping to a routine, no matter what) sounds like a case of ADHD. Maybe get him some sort of counselling after Xmas?

ISeeCheekyFuckers · 20/12/2024 20:42

rb124 · 20/12/2024 20:27

I'm no medical expert, but your DHs behaviour (keeping to a routine, no matter what) sounds like a case of ADHD. Maybe get him some sort of counselling after Xmas?

It really isn’t. ADHDers hate routine, generally.

justasking111 · 20/12/2024 22:41

ISeeCheekyFuckers · 20/12/2024 20:42

It really isn’t. ADHDers hate routine, generally.

Show quote history

My husband goes batshit at organised things. He's so impulsive and resents being told when and what to do.

I've learnt to say casually we're off to X and wait to see if he's interested.

gamerchick · 20/12/2024 22:47

justasking111 · 20/12/2024 22:41

My husband goes batshit at organised things. He's so impulsive and resents being told when and what to do.

I've learnt to say casually we're off to X and wait to see if he's interested.

Show quote history

PDA. It's hard work.

CandyLeBonBon · 20/12/2024 22:52

"It really isn’t. ADHDers hate routine, generally"

We might hate routine, as in 'being tied to a plan you might not want to do in the future, even though you said yes now' but actually learning to create a routine and boundaries that help you stop the flakiness are really important strategies to help avoid getting like you suck as a human being.