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Original poster

The annual Christmas ritual of reading DP the riot act

322 replies

DBD1975 · 19/12/2024 12:16

Looking for any tips or advice following on from the why do men steal all of the joy out of everything.

My family Christmas day, in-laws Boxing day. Just about to have the annual talk about don't make Christmas day weird or awkward by having to prompt you to be a courteous host, don't roll your eyes every time I ask you to help with something. Be sociable, join in and make an effort.

So far I have done everything for Christmas including buying my own presents for DP to give me and buying all the presents for in-laws and I will also be wrapping them.

DP has done s** all other than moan, sulk and act like a petulant teenager.

I will end up having to have the extra energy on both days to make up for my DP being so lack lustre/bar humbug.

It is more the upset in his routine which he finds hard to cope with, not to mention the chaos which comes with Christmas.

Any tips or advice gratefully received. Please note I have no intention of splitting up with him for those who will go nuclear over the situation.

OP posts:
dreamer24 · 19/12/2024 16:48

@TheIranianYoghurtIsNotTheIssueHere

This is genius:

My vagina makes the Windows shutdown noise just thinking about it.

😂

I fully concur. How women can find such inept men sexually appealing is well beyond anything I can comprehend. But each to their own I guess.

Renamedyetagain · 19/12/2024 16:48

I mean, it's your life so you do you, but i wouldn't entertain this shit...

StuntNun · 19/12/2024 16:58

After Christmas, tell him you won't be buying presents for his parents any more. Next year, don't buy yourself presents from him; buy them from yourself. He can decide whether to step up or not.

LolaB00 · 19/12/2024 17:10

"So far I have done everything for Christmas including buying my own presents for DP to give me and buying all the presents for in-laws and I will also be wrapping them."

Just...why?

Pamspeople · 19/12/2024 17:15

MissRoseDurward · 19/12/2024 15:48

I feel sorry for the bloke. He doesn't enjoy Christmas the way op organises it, but year after year that's what he gets. And on top of that has to listen to a diatribe from op about how useless he is.

OP, have you ever had a conversation with him about how he would like to spend Christmas, and actually listened to what he said? Or do you go ahead regardless every year with Christmas how you think it should be done?

This, with knobs on. I'm usually among the LTB crowd but this time I actually feel sorry for him. I'd hate this sort of Christmas. If he never lifted a finger but actually wanted all the family fuss I'd understand being pissed off with him, but he doesn't want it! And then he gets "the riot act" as though he's a naughty boy. Ugh. If I was him I'd take myself to a hotel until it was all over.

MintShaker · 19/12/2024 17:20

"bar humbug"

It's bah humbug.

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/12/2024 18:09

biscuitsandbooks · 19/12/2024 16:33

Is it the case that Christmas has to be done your way, and he just has to suck it up, or does he get a say in how the day goes too?

People are missing the point with this “poor bloke doesn’t he get a say?” shit.

The OP is looking after / entertaining / buying gifts for his family.

If you want to have a totally misanthropic Christmas I guess that’s fine as long as the family is on board but you don’t get to force your spouse to cater for your extended family if you do this.

Pamspeople · 19/12/2024 18:19

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/12/2024 18:09

People are missing the point with this “poor bloke doesn’t he get a say?” shit.

The OP is looking after / entertaining / buying gifts for his family.

If you want to have a totally misanthropic Christmas I guess that’s fine as long as the family is on board but you don’t get to force your spouse to cater for your extended family if you do this.

Show quote history

Is he forcing her to do that?

biscuitsandbooks · 19/12/2024 18:20

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/12/2024 18:09

People are missing the point with this “poor bloke doesn’t he get a say?” shit.

The OP is looking after / entertaining / buying gifts for his family.

If you want to have a totally misanthropic Christmas I guess that’s fine as long as the family is on board but you don’t get to force your spouse to cater for your extended family if you do this.

Show quote history

Where does it say she's been forced to do anything? Confused

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/12/2024 18:21

@Pamspeople

Is he forcing her to do that?

Well it clearly isn’t the OP inviting them…

Pamspeople · 19/12/2024 18:22

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/12/2024 18:21

@Pamspeople

Is he forcing her to do that?

Well it clearly isn’t the OP inviting them…

What makes you say that?

biscuitsandbooks · 19/12/2024 18:24

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/12/2024 18:21

@Pamspeople

Is he forcing her to do that?

Well it clearly isn’t the OP inviting them…

How do you know?

And even if she isn't, she doesn't need to host or buy them any presents - that's entirely her choice.

Badburyrings · 19/12/2024 18:26

ginasevern · 19/12/2024 12:28

It's a man thing. The one and only task my late DH had at Christmas was to get the trimmings out of the very spidery garden shed. Jesus Christ, you would think he'd been asked to dig a mile long trench. He huffed, puffed and the air turned blue. One year he slipped on a bit of mud on the garden path and said he'd done his knee in so Christmas might as well be cancelled. He hadn't done his knee in, it was just intimidation. It was disgraceful and pathetic.

It most definitely is not a "man thing". As someone else said it's a "shit mans thing" and I for one would rather be forever single that put up with that shit.

My husband is cooking Christmas lunch, making his own Christmas pudding, buying all his family gifts, sending cards, and being the most amazing gift giver. Why are some women's bars so low?

SixtySomething · 19/12/2024 18:40

SoupDragon · 19/12/2024 14:18

How is it ridiculous? The OP clearly does this every year and intends to keep doing it every year whilst complaining and eye rolling like a martyr.

Show quote history

Bearing in mind their Xmas responsibilities, she is complaining that she is forced to do his share plus her share plus put up with his disagreeable behaviour.

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/12/2024 18:40

@Pamspeople @biscuitsandbooks Because the OP clearly finds it burdensome having to look after his family.

If he genuinely didn’t care about any of it he should take responsibility for telling them they were not welcome. Instead of enjoying tye benefits of having his wife run around after them all.

You can’t have it both ways. If you hate Christmas don’t do Christmas but you can’t expect your spouse DP it all on behalf of your family and then refuse to lift a finger.

BeachHutsAndDeckchairs · 19/12/2024 18:43

I will echo the people saying that you seem to have taken a lot of this on yourself. Stop doing stuff for him and let him find out what happens when he doesn't do it himself. Direct anyone asking questions towards him and get him to explain why he didn't do it.

biscuitsandbooks · 19/12/2024 18:44

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/12/2024 18:40

@Pamspeople @biscuitsandbooks Because the OP clearly finds it burdensome having to look after his family.

If he genuinely didn’t care about any of it he should take responsibility for telling them they were not welcome. Instead of enjoying tye benefits of having his wife run around after them all.

You can’t have it both ways. If you hate Christmas don’t do Christmas but you can’t expect your spouse DP it all on behalf of your family and then refuse to lift a finger.

Then she should stop looking after them - she doesn't have to. You're acting like she's forced to do all this stuff Confused

Pamspeople · 19/12/2024 18:57

SixtySomething · 19/12/2024 18:40

Bearing in mind their Xmas responsibilities, she is complaining that she is forced to do his share plus her share plus put up with his disagreeable behaviour.

Show quote history

What Xmas responsibilities?

SixtySomething · 19/12/2024 19:02

Pamspeople · 19/12/2024 18:57

What Xmas responsibilities?

Show quote history

" My family Christmas day, in-laws Boxing Day "

Pamspeople · 19/12/2024 19:08

Is that his choice? I wonder how he would spend Christmas if he had a choice.

Merryoldgoat · 19/12/2024 19:09

Sweet Jesus. The low standards are unbearable.

biscuitsandbooks · 19/12/2024 19:13

SixtySomething · 19/12/2024 19:02

" My family Christmas day, in-laws Boxing Day "

Show quote history

He's not responsible for OP's family - if she chooses to host them on Christmas Day, that's for her to organise.

Likewise, she's not responsible for his family - I'm sure he managed to sort all his own presents out before she came along and if not, well, that's his choice.

As for OP buying her own presents and wrapping them - I despair of how low some people set their standards.

Maray1967 · 19/12/2024 19:20

cocobeaner · 19/12/2024 12:30

He sounds dreadful. Why on earth are you buying present for him to give to you? That's absolutely mad! By all means buy yourself some new things but don't let him take the credit for that.

I don't like Christmas, at all. But I do the stuff with a smile on my face because I know that other people love it and sometimes when you're an adult you need to put other people first. That's what your husband should be doing but it sounds like he hasn't matured much beyond age 12.

I'd stop doing anything that for him or his side of the family. In fact I'd stop doing anything that you don't actively want to do. My DH is a lovely husband but I don't buy for his family - that's his job. If he doesn't do it then that's his fault and I'm not taking responsibility, I've got enough to do.

Same here - DH sorts his side out. I stopped doing that years ago. My DB does all our side - SIL expects him to.

NavyOrca · 19/12/2024 19:22

This is a genuine question, what do you get out of being with him? You say you don’t want to split up with him, so I’m assuming he must have some redeeming qualities , what are they?
Please don’t stay because you’re afraid of being alone.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/12/2024 19:32

@@dreamer24 re the Christmas card list... its a symbolic handover. A Pontius Pilot handwash. He has the list, the addresses, its now his job.

Its not really clear whether he does this because he hates the whole Christmas thing or he just cannot be arsed but is happy for the entire burden to fall on someone else. It's not clear how much OP wants to continue with the whole thing if she has more help or if she wants to scale it down too.

I agree with the poster who said Don't buy xmas presents from him for yourself. Buy them from you for yourself OP.