The annual Christmas ritual of reading DP the riot act

[DBD1975]

Looking for any tips or advice following on from the why do men steal all of the joy out of everything.

My family Christmas day, in-laws Boxing day. Just about to have the annual talk about don't make Christmas day weird or awkward by having to prompt you to be a courteous host, don't roll your eyes every time I ask you to help with something. Be sociable, join in and make an effort.

So far I have done everything for Christmas including buying my own presents for DP to give me and buying all the presents for in-laws and I will also be wrapping them.

DP has done s** all other than moan, sulk and act like a petulant teenager.

I will end up having to have the extra energy on both days to make up for my DP being so lack lustre/bar humbug.

It is more the upset in his routine which he finds hard to cope with, not to mention the chaos which comes with Christmas.

Any tips or advice gratefully received. Please note I have no intention of splitting up with him for those who will go nuclear over the situation.

My SIL was married to a sulky man child just like this. We all breathed a sigh of relief when she divorced him because he was such a grumpy, rude, miserable sod. After her divorce she said to me ‘you tolerated his rudeness for my sake, didn’t you?’. She was right!

This is a very good question.

Is it just Christmas that 'upsets' his routine? Is he ok when it's someone's birthday for example or if there is an event that might disrupt his routine? Are those sorts of things ok with him? What if it's your birthday vs his birthday? Does he try to disrupt your birthday celebrations but is quite happy when the fuss is on him?

It’s really not a “man thing”. My DH does most of Christmas. All the wrapping excerpt his own, sorts all the food/baking, does all the lights and decoration etc.

I simply would not do it, if he doesn’t buy the gifts then his family don’t get gifts, if he doesn’t buy you anything then you may as well just buy what you want for yourself and use it straightaway, why wrap something for yourself to open? If he doesn’t like Christmas that’s fine, but he needs to understand that the people in his life do like it and part of being in a family is doing things to make other people happy.

Write a to do list and tell your dh to pick half of the tasks.
Make it clear that you’re not going to do them if he doesn’t.
As for socialising I wouldn’t worry, if people think he’s miserable then that’s on him.

Ridiculous!

Smells like strategic incompetence and deliberately being a dick to push you to step in and take on everything while he can sit back and watch you do all the work.
He’s being manipulative and you are making it worse by appeasing him.
Give him a choice, get his arse in gear or take his arse somewhere else for the holidays. Don’t let him reap the rewards of your efforts until he ups his game!
(or just leave the selfish lazy git)

Is he susceptible to being shamed? Maybe throw in a few comments about how your guests are dreading coming to you as he's always such a shit host..

How is it ridiculous? The OP clearly does this every year and intends to keep doing it every year whilst complaining and eye rolling like a martyr.

He won’t change unless you change your response. I agree that you should stop pandering to his pathetic behaviour, buy presents for your kids and your family, he will soon snap out of it if he realises you are not going to tolerate or enable his behaviour.

I mean, you're making light of it but you need to reflect on why you're doing that. Your feelings are obviously hurt, you're martyring yourself buying yourself gifts and doing all the grunt work of Christmas, whilst he rolls his eyes at you. I fully appreciate that some people aren't into Christmas but when you're in a relationship you don't get to opt out of considering your partner's feelings or doing your fair share, at any time of year. Honestly? I'd bin him with the Christmas wrapping.

In short. Why are you putting up with this s*?! He doesn't give a toss about you and you have to actually mentally prepare to give a grown adult a talking to about at a minimum being a civil respectful human being. Life is too short for that. But you won't leave you have said so I don't know what magic wand you are expecting people to suggest 🤷🏼‍♀️

Tips:

• Stop being a martyr - just do your share not his as well;
• Let people see his grumpy, unsociable behaviour;
• Ignore him while you enjoy time with your guests;
• Tell him he can opt out if he wants and spend the days elsewhere;
• Don't make excuses for him or cover up his selfishness.

I wouldn't be doing the wrapping, fuck that. If I'm doing the brain work of thinking what presents to buy, DP does the wrapping.

He hates it. You hate it. Why are you doing it? ?!?

Why are you buying him any presents when he doesn’t buy you any? If you’re doing it for show or to save face then don’t 🤷‍♀️ He’s not embarrassed to not buy you anything so don’t treat him like a kid and let him get away with it. Use the money you would have spent to treat yourself in the New Year.

God a million times this. I’m fed up seeing women being shouted down on here for being “needy” for wanting consideration including gifts. I don’t mean expensive but thoughtful and considered.

ive only got this far in the comments and had to stop to agree. Why on earth do you put up with this behaviour?

I’ll go back and RTFT now

I don't understand this.

If he's only got his dad who are all the ILs?

What would he want to do?

Why don't you want better for yourself than this?

Leave him

@StormingNorman and @MayaPinion - you both commented on @OhBling's post where they were basically saying what @Mugcake did in their first sentence of their post "Stop covering for him".

I'm wondering why you would have an issue with the way that @OhBling posted it and not @Mugcake ? Is it how they suggested stopping covering for this bloke's inadequacies?

If I were in your shoes @DBD1975 - I'd be telling DP/DH that I am no longer going to be providing the cover for him to the families at the respective gatherings. If people ask me what he got me, I'll answer honestly and say nothing because he didn't - I got my own present. If people ask what we're up to over Christmas and New Year, I'll answer honestly - I'm not sure but I'm doing X, Y and Z and he's sitting on the couch I guess.
He is welcome to change the narrative but you're not going to do it any more for him.

You are making a rod for your own back. You clearly resent the work and hassle involved in buying and wrapping all the presents so stop doing it.

About 5 years ago we stopped giving and receiving presents at Christmas. It was partly environmental and partly that I am trying to declutter my life and my house.

We told our friends and family about it and the response was pretty much unanimous - they all thought it was a great idea. Now the only gifts we buy are for little kids and our adult DC. Nothing for parents, siblings, mates, cousins or each other.

it makes for a WONDERFUL Christmas. We have a houseful of extended family every year and it's brilliant. Lots of lights and decorations, lovely food and drink, games, karaoke and dancing. No one seems to miss presents at all.

We aren't stingy at all. If I see something someone would like I buy it for them and give it to them regardless of the time of year but there is no longer any pressure to buy something for the sake of it because it's December 25th.

This. I can’t really understand what advice anyone can offer. You already spoken about his attitude and he’s obviously not taking that on board and changing and you don’t want to leave. What else is there apart from put up with it.

DP has done s all other than moan, sulk and act like a petulant teenager.

and

Any tips or advice gratefully received. Please note I have no intention of splitting up with him for those who will go nuclear over the situation.

I am completely out of advice.

Many adults struggle being out of normal routine, but do not sulk about it; they either find a way to manage it or take themselves out of the situation, not ruin things for everyone else.

My first thought was that he sounds like a teenager, but then I realised that he sounds like my autistic teenager. Christmas is a nightmare for him and the stress and sensory overload doesn’t bring out the best in him.

As a parent I’ve been willing to adjust my expectations and modify how we approach things. Ds dips in and out, retreating to his cave as and when he needs. He’s makes an huge effort to accommodate our weird need to ramp up sensory dysregulation to the max, for no logical reason.

There are a few selfish arses around our circle - happy to sit back, accept thanks for gifts and hosting while their wives do all the work, criticising the turkey for being too dry and rolling their eyes at emotional women that they’ve personally driven up the walls. But this sounds like something completely different, and maybe there’s room to accomodate each others experiences?

Whether or not there’s more at play than him being an arse, you’re not responsible for how he acts. If he’s grumpy let him - it’s not a reflection on you.