It's ok to disinherit a firstborn if remarried and have a new family, right?

[Eatcabbage]

Or am I being unreasonable for feeling a bit hurt?
I feel like it is saying you aren't my daughter anymore, though this is about the billionth way this has been said over the years.
According to my mother, my father "should have got nothing" when they divorced as he did "f-all" and stayed at home with me after I was born when my mother went back to work, "and I paid your school fees", so why should I inherit anything from her?
I'm not bothered about the financial side of things and don't expect anything from my mother or anyone else and I never have, I'm fiercely independent, but I do get hurt by rejection.
I have two step siblings, and my father not recognising them in his will is apparently another reason why I have been disinherited by my mother.
I'm genuinely interested to know what is normally done in situations like this. Am I just being oversensitive? I know I am very sensitive to rejection and easily hurt by it.

This happened with someone on DH's side of the family. A great nephew of his parents was estranged from his mum, and when she died he was to get part of the estate by law even though he didn't want anything to do with his mum. Same thing happened a few years later when the dad passed away. No one knows why they were estranged.

I'm on the opposite side of this.

My mam worked (really hard, all the time) and my dad was an (abusive) SAHP, until my mam got ill and couldn't work anymore and he bailed out and then was a deadbeat. My mam raised me, she was great and later on had my younger siblings.

EVERYONE is convinced as the only child of my father I will inherit everything, people are 100% convinced of this. He abandoned me and I haven't seen or heard from him in decades, he never met his grandkids and told me I was a mistake he wishes didn't exist. I somehow doubt I'm getting a single penny despite everyone insistence that its only logical because I'm his only child.

He would burn and smash everything before giving something to me, he burned all my childhood photos with my grandparents (his mam refused to disown me and would collect me for his visitation when he never showed up) when she died just to make sure I couldn't have them.

For a long time my mam said she planned to leave everything just to my siblings as I would inherit from him... eventually she realized hes not going to leave me anything and changed it but it did hurt at first. I guess I reject from him never hurt as its been my whole life (and I don't expect anything) but when it felt like rejection from her it hurt because shes my mam.

"Perhaps if your father remarried and changed his will to include new children she’d change hers"

I'm sorry but this makes no sense at all. Why would the OP's father leave anything to the children of his ex-wife and her new husband?

That makes no sense at all.

The persons clearly saying if he married and split his inheritance between OP and HIS step child or future children with wife 2 not is ex wife's kids.

I still think its bizarrely wishful thinking though.

Your mother is behaving badly. You are allowed to say your piece. Horrible that she is still punishing you for the divorce so many years ago - that was never your “fault” in the first place.

Presumably your mother's other children also have a father to inherit from so her argument is unfounded.
OP low contact with your mother is the way forward to protect your own sanity. You don't have to cut her out completely just accept she's a crap mum to you and let it go.

I'm finding your post confusing but suspect I am in a similar position as I have been disinherited by my father. I am actually still really close to him. His will gives everything to his adult step-child, who has had a tough life. However, his estate is considerable.

Nonetheless, although I was hurt at first, I have made peace with it and I am still close to my father.

The issue with your mother is that she just seems horrible. That's the bigger issue.

Ive been thoroughly disinherited and it hurts. It's not even about the money. It's about being rejected as one of the family and most people want to belong to a loving caring family.

Family belonging goes very, very deep to the core of us.

It's her not you, @Eatcabbage. Really.

If all you want from this post is a rant and to be told that your feelings are justified then you have that. Your mother doesn't sound like much of a 'mother' to me but then people who grow up in less than pleasant circumstances always seem to try to cling on to a relationship that just isn't there. I don't think you are doing any favours to your own child by exposing them to this. You are an adult and capable of making your own decisions though so I wish you well.

But if you read the OP's comment from 10:03 her own father has remarried:

"I was thinking about the relationship of my father to his step children and my step father to me"

where she explained why she got mixed up with the terms "step" and "half"

Aren't my mother's children his step children?
He hasn't remarried, or not yet anyway!
Or are they ex step children?!

I didn’t say anywhere that the OP deserved the treatment? I was just pointing out that it’s not a typo to mix up step and half, a typo is when you press the wrong key and mis-type something. Maybe it was a Freudian slip or maybe it is reflective of how OP sees and refers to her younger siblings, but it’s not a typo. I don’t care why OP calls her half siblings her step siblings but if she does she should own it and not say it’s a typo, you don’t accidentally type step when you mean to say half the letters are nowhere near each other on a keyboard!

We don't call each other half or step.
We just say sister or brother. Does that help?

This is completely about the emotional currency of leaving you out of her estate. ‘Disinheriting ‘ people is an emotional / psychological act, otherwise why would she have included it in a conversation about an emotional battle of wills?

She has weaponised her money since she divorced your Dad, and she sounds cold, vengeful and not nice. You have been penalised emotionally because your Dad’s job was to care for you, and she has used her money in that battle.

I think being clear with her is not the same as ‘apologising’. I would say (or write / message) something like “Mum, please understand my point is not about money. I have no intention of ‘taking ‘ money from my beloved siblings. My point is that I find it hard to hear that not including someone in a will , I.e disinheriting, is seen by you as an emotional punishment, and in conversations like last night it can feel as if that is what it is. I have always been, and always will be grateful for all and any financial support, from everyone.”

The fact is, that she is toxic. It is completely understandable that you want to maintain a relationship with your half siblings. But take a step back and view her for what she is. Find ways to not let her unhealthy behaviour get under your skin.

It’s her, not you. You are not over -sensitive.

Would counselling help you get started with developing your strategies for protecting yourself?

There are self help books often recommended on MN. Lundy Bancroft, one about toxic parents, I think.

Hopefully other posters can identify which ones are the most relevant.

I'm sorry to hear this. What a difficult upsetting situation. It sounds like your mother and her subsequent children and family have crafted a scapegoat dynamic for you so that you don't belong in this new family and she is punishing you for being your father's child. It must really hurt.

My dc has a similar issue with stbxh whose family are doing the same.

Legally i don't know what to say to you but i appreciate right now and just before Christmas this leaves you in an unhappy position. It doesn't sound like your mother is very nice to you so it might be better to make a back up Christmas plan in case things don't calm down.

I hope things improve soon x

Did your mother have these children after your mother and father split?

Yes, that makes sense and is what most people I know who have half siblings do. I’m not saying it’s not a mistake someone could make, just that it’s not a typo. It’s a mix-up of terms or a mistake etc, but a typo is when you make a typing error by pressing the wrong key, omitting a key or getting letters the wrong way around. Typing the wrong word is not a typing error ergo it’s not a typo. Thats all I was trying to say, although I admit I am probably focusing on the wrong thing on the thread, I have autism and find it difficult when people say something is something it’s not. Your error wasn’t a typo but I accept it’s probably not important in the context of the thread so sorry if it was upsetting, that wasn’t my intention.

My God, that's vile. I have the same family set up myself (1 child from first marriage, 2 with second husband) and the thought of doing this to my eldest repulses me. I genuinely just want to give you a hug.

Your mother sounds like a vicious piece of work and if it was me, I don't think I'd have anything to do with her.

Question - do you look more similar to your mother or to your father?

Can we all move on from the step/half stuff now it's been cleared up and focus on the actual issues here?

@MolkosTeenageAngst give the OP a fucking break, will you? That isn't the point of the thread.

@Eatcabbage That sounds very difficult for you.
The half siblings have had the security of two parents throughout their childhood-
You have had to cope with a parental divorce ( which does affect a child quite painfully)

Your mother doesn’t sound very fair- I’d love to say to her in your position “Oh go boil ya heid!”

She still sounds bitter and resentful about your Dad.

Your mother sounds nuts to me. I'm not sure why you're still in contact with her.

I'm in a similar position to you except my dad has remarried and I've got both step and half relations on both sides. Both my parents believe the other should leave me money and although I haven't be disinherited completely, I have been allocated a much smaller proportion (about 2.5%). My step siblings aren't impacted as much as me because their biological parents disagrees so are taking a different approach. I also have more info on what one parent is doing than the other so I'm not completely sure on the extent to which I'll be receiving a reduced share or cut out but would be staggered to be treated equally to the other 'children' (we're all adults) of that marriage.

After a lifetime of step-related disadvantage, I am used to it. I take the view that it's their money to do what they want with and might disappear on care home fees anyway. One parent in particular has been keen to talk me through their decision-making so I understand their logic even if I don't agree with it. Both parents would want to think of themselves as good people so they do/will have their own logic to justify their decisions.

One of my parents was unhappy with the way their parent distributed their assets and moaned to me about it. I kept quiet but inwardly rolled my eyes (I didn't criticise this parent because they'd had a really hard time personally and I didn't want to kick them while they were down). But that shows the extent to which they genuinely think they've been fair.

While I'm used to taking metaphorical punches from my parents, I live life on my own terms and don't apologise for anything that might be perceived as selfishness. I am a considerate daughter but I will not be running myself ragged attempting to care for them as they age because I'm absolutely committed to putting myself first (nobody else will). I also intend to leave my own assets to a charity that has made a huge positive difference to my life rather than extended family (I don't have children).