It's ok to disinherit a firstborn if remarried and have a new family, right?

[Eatcabbage]

Or am I being unreasonable for feeling a bit hurt?
I feel like it is saying you aren't my daughter anymore, though this is about the billionth way this has been said over the years.
According to my mother, my father "should have got nothing" when they divorced as he did "f-all" and stayed at home with me after I was born when my mother went back to work, "and I paid your school fees", so why should I inherit anything from her?
I'm not bothered about the financial side of things and don't expect anything from my mother or anyone else and I never have, I'm fiercely independent, but I do get hurt by rejection.
I have two step siblings, and my father not recognising them in his will is apparently another reason why I have been disinherited by my mother.
I'm genuinely interested to know what is normally done in situations like this. Am I just being oversensitive? I know I am very sensitive to rejection and easily hurt by it.

I could understand it if your father's estate was worth millions and your mum's not much - in that case, a third of your mother's state would make little difference to you, but getting half rather than a third may make a difference to your younger siblings. I wouldn't do it, but I could understand the logic.

It doesn't sound like that's the case though. She sounds awful OP, time to back away and protect yourself a little.

I can see a shred of logic here to be fair. Her logic is that you will be well provided for by your father, whose money she believes (rightly or wrongly) she contributed to, and therefore she’s making up for that by prioritising her other children in her own will. I have known this play out myself with friends. Obviously this is partly because she feels like she was screwed over in the divorce and you can’t completely understand what happened there. Perhaps if your father remarried and changed his will to include new children she’d change hers, but as that hasn’t happened it’s probably not worth speculating.

I think it sounds as though if you want any sort of relationship with your mum you need to avoid all discussions of money/ divorce and just focus on how you are as people, e.g is she supportive, interested, helpful in other areas. If she isn’t then take a step back but if your relationship is good otherwise I think I’d just try not to take it personally and move forward.

Your mum and half sibling sound terrible. Be thankful you have an excuse to have Christmas away from them! Do you have your own family? If so, you have plenty of time to organise your own Christmas. Head to M&S today and get your own turkey and all the treats you can buy, and enjoy Christmas in your own home with your loved ones, a nice Christmas movie and a glass of champs or three.

I wouldn't expect anything in a will from a step-parent. Why does this affect what you inherit? Your mother is being obnoxious btw. What would be the reaction by MNetters if a man had said: she did "f-all" and stayed at home with me after I was born when my father went back to work, "? Bloody Hell.
To answer your question, I don't think there is a 'normal'. In the UK you can leave your estate to whomsoever you wish - children do not inherit as of right (unless parent is instestate) unless there is a trust or an entail set up to have that happen.
NB Not sure what you mean by step-siblings, now I read a second time? Are these your half-siblings or are they the DC of your DM's new partner (there is a difference)?

Deeply hurtful. Deeply.

This.
Just get on with your life and don't waste any time dwelling on things you can never control.
Sad for you but it seems that you are not surprised about how your mother reacts. Hope you take after your father.

Your mother is a bitch. Just like mine. The best advice I can give you is to cut contact. You can't argue with people like that. She will continue to hurt you and reject you for as long as you let her. If you don't need the money anyway, walk away and be happy. I've cut contact with mine 6 years ago and have never regretted it.
It sucks.

YANBU.
Every parent should leave to all their children in equal shares. This is terrible of your mother. If she doesn’t consider you her child, you shouldn’t consider her your mother.

I don't want to break off contact as that would affect my contact with the rest of the family on that side, and, she is still my mother.
I just wanted to reconcile my feelings. I was feeling guilty for upsetting her yesterday and feeling selfish for saying anything. It was stupid of me to have reacted to her (unrelated) comment, but here we are and I now have a lot of fall out to deal with.
But genuinely, thank you all for taking the time to comment, it is really helpful to hear that I'm not alone in feeling hurt by the emotional implications of something like this.

But, for the people going off on one because I used the term "step" instead of "half". I'm tired. I haven't slept. I'm upset. There's a hell of a lot else going on in my life right now. We just refer to each other as sisters or brothers, never step, or half, or anything else. I was thinking about the relationship of my father to his step children and my step father to me, and honestly, does it matter? Your comments don't bother me, but in future, to someone else, that sort of dig really might matter to someone vulnerable. Be kind.

My father never said anything as hurtful to me as your mother has (she's clearly a very bitter and cruel woman) but when my father and step mother cut me out of their wills (so that all the estate will go to my half siblings) it absolutely destroyed any relationship I had with them. My step mother is still alive and I barely speak to her. So a big fat YANBU from me op .

Yeah, that's the point of the thread. What an unnecessary and unhelpful comment.

Wish I lived in Scotland

My mother was never going to leave me anything, learned that at an early age. Her sisters meant more to her than me as she had known them longer and their children always got preferential treatment. My father who I found out had died 10 years ago left no will but his brother said he didn’t have any children and took what ever his estate was worth.
The issue was that despite having a very distinctive colour hair ( the same colour as my gm on my fathers side) I was always told I was not part of their family

I have watched on as people have taken so much from me and there isn’t anything I can do about it

People mix up step and half siblings on here all the time. It doesn't matter. I assume that you are saying that OP deserves this awful treatment from her own mum because, in your opinion, she doesn't recognise her mum's children with her step-dad as her siblings.

Sorry OP your Mum sounds terribly emotionally abusive.

Time to rethink the level of contact you have. If I were you I'd be going out and getting everything needed for a lovely Christmas dinner, and ignore your mother.

But are they your dads step children? (Your mums from a previous relationship) And if so how are you the firstborn?

Why would you imagine you are over sensitive? If anything you are under reacting. It is so deeply hurtful and abusive to treat you effectively like a second class citizen in your own family. Why did she allow your half siblings to other you in your own home? Honestly it’s horrible and damaging.

Did she run out of money and couldn’t afford private school for your siblings? Or did they have to live in poverty? Not that it makes a difference as that is not your fault as a child, but she might be transferring guilt.

Don’t go at Christmas- choose something else. It’s going to be awful and your dc deserve better. YOU deserve much better
Book something special and tell them there is a change of plan.

Let me guess, it’s your mother who has told you you’re over sensitive?

You mother sounds like a cunt….I would walk away now…..and if other family members are off with you because of this…then fuck them too….what are you teaching your child here? You gotta start respecting yourself

Your mother sounds toxic - I would just cut her out. What is she actually adding to your life apart from pain. Here the title mother is just a word, it does not describe her in any way. Ignore anyone who doesn’t understand this. I’m so sorry

Have you said that to her?

She sounds a piece of work OP, so sorry :(

Read the thread

@Eatcabbage I think your reaction was understandable, you're not the one who should be feeling guilty or like you need to make amends

OP, I am really sorry that you have this to deal with, and all around Christmas.
You spoke up, which I think was understandable and reasonable in the conversation context. But what is not reasonable, I'm afraid, to my mind, is anything your mother is saying or doing on this front.

You now regret saying anything and are scared and worried you won't be able to have a nice Christmas with family because you spoke up to your mum. That's also not good.

She is your mother, but she sounds rather tricky to deal with, especially as her child (this is an understatement, I don't want to inflame your feelings at all - best just calmly to look at what's happening).

As for the inheritance, I think that what your father gives you is his business, nothing to do with your mother, they are not together. She got a lot more money from the divorce than he did, as well, as I understand. It sounds like she feels the money in the marriage was more from her than from him, so she feels she had more right to it and has more right now.

In my mind, she should divide her estate equally between her three children. Presumably the half-siblings will inherit from their father also? Or is the inheritance she's giving them the shared inheritance from her and their father?

I'm sorry, OP. I'm afraid I think you should apologise in a simple way to her, and hope to have a happy Christmas. Apologise really only because you don't need more upset and to be cut off from the family you want to be with. And also just remember that sadly she's not reasonable, so you are a bit on a hiding to nothing trying to talk to her. x

OP you need to learn to look at things differently. Your mother is behaving badly. If things erupt, they erupt because of her behaviour. You must not blame yourself for not sufficiently covering your emotions. Please think seriously about how this relationship is affecting your children’s perception of relationships. Please think seriously about buying yourself some counselling as a Christmas present, give yourself a chance to talk with someone unconnected about your relationship with your parents, straighten it all out in your mind and figure out how to protect yourself and your child.

My own experience is that my father eventually referred to me as an obligation, not family. I say eventually because it was like a lightbulb went off in my head, that was exactly how he had treated me for 20+ years, but it wasn’t until he said the words that I really understood. He sounds very like your mother. I have not spoken to him in ten years, and I and my children are much better off for it. I assume I’ve been disinherited in favour of his subsequent children.