About this odd wedding situation

[BrummieBab]

DH and I got married two and a half years ago. DH remains close to a large group of his school friends who were all invited. He is also still sort of in touch with (but much less close to) a wider circle of school friends who we see sometimes at parties or weddings but don’t really socialise with independently.

At the time we got married, one friend, Dean, was part of the second category of friends, in that we saw him now and then at other people’s events but he wasn’t ever invited to our events and he never invited us to anything. He wasn’t invited to our wedding because we just weren’t close at that time. Since then, we’ve got a lot closer as a result of him reconnecting with one of DH’s best friends who we see regularly. He now comes to all our group events and I’d say we’re good friends with him now, we invite him to parties etc now.

Apologies for the big back story. The issue now is that Dean is engaged and last week sent out wedding invitations. Everyone else in the close group of school friends has been invited. DH and I aren’t invited. We aren’t bothered by this at all - Dean has a large group of friends so can’t invite everyone, we’ve only been close for the last year or so, plus it’s taking place 100 miles away so we would need to stay overnight and we have young kids and will have a 6 week old baby when the date comes round. So we honestly didn’t think anything of it.

The weird part is that Dean texted my DH especially to say ‘sorry you’re not invited but you know we weren’t invited when you got married.’ DH thought that was a bit weird but just texted back ‘haha no worries, hope you have a great day and look forward to seeing pics’. Then Dean comes back again and is like ‘well now you know how it feels to be the one not invited’. DH replied
‘What do you mean?’ And Dean replies ‘just that. Now you know how it feels to not be invited.’

AIBU or is this weird? Dean wasn’t invited to our wedding because we weren’t close then. We’re closer now, but not to the point where DH and I would assume we would be on the guest list, but it’s like he’s making sure we know we’re deliberately excluded as a tit for tat?

DH has no idea how to respond. I’ve said just leave it and see if things settle down but he’s worried that if it’s not addressed it will make things awkward with the friendship group.

Since then, we’ve got a lot closer as a result of him reconnecting with one of DH’s best friends who we see regularly.

So it's still not as if you particularly choose to see him?

He's more a friend of a friend.

I'm guessing that the best friend is going?

Id be tempted to text back

Hi

If this situation of not inviting us to your wedding, is help for to you - im really glad to oblige. If you like you're more than welcome to send a running commentary on the day of everything happening. Get your feeling out, so many men don't. Best wishes

Can’t imagine what Dean expects at this point of the exchange.

”Duly noted. Now I understand, apologies.”

hope that would be “the end”

Didn't realise they let 5 year olds get married

It's a bit weird given your relationships have changed since your wedding. But it wouldn't bother me.

I'm petty af so I'd plan my vow renewals and not invite Dean.

Dean does sound rather juvenile and immature.........perhaps your DH should respond along the lines of.........."oh do grow up and stop behaving like a spoilt twat Dean"!

For me, the friendship would be irrevocably damaged because my view of this person would have significantly changed. He's petty, point-scoring and holds grudges for imagined slights.

Not someone I'd want as a friend at all.

My first thought was try to patch it over with Dean. DH could have a drink with him and explain, we didn't seem so close when we got married, so didn't deliberately exclude you. On the other hand he seems a dick so I'd not reply further, not try to patch anything over and let the "friendship" fade away. Imagine using your own wedding to get back at someone.

Simply say, ‘’Sorry you feel that way, Dean. As you know, we weren’t as close then as we are now and we were limited in guest numbers so it’s impossible to invite everyone. If we were getting married now, things would be different but such is life. I hope you have an amazing day and wish you all the best for the new year. No hard feelings from our side’’ 🙂

Dean sounds pathetic and childish. The point was made with the lack of invite, but to follow up with 2 texts about it is childish. I think I'd back away from that friendship from now on!

Dean has been stewing about not being invited for years and is finally getting his revenge. He was looking forward to DH being devastated and finally realising how much he missed out on by not invited Dean to his wedding.

Dean is extremely disappointed that DH does not, in fact, care that he will not be there to witness Dean getting married. Dean's fiancee is wishing Dean loved her as much as he loves your DH.

If it were me, I'd hold a massive impromptu NYE party and then not invite him.

😉

Dean is a real gobshite.
I think you have been a timely heads up that he is a real twat.
I would keep a distance going forward.

Poor form on his part, even if he was hurt by not being invited to your wedding. Just ignore and pull yourself away from him.

If as you say you were genuinely not bothered, I think it is best to just ignore although i imagine things will be awkward anyway being the only one not invited in a social group when discussions about the wedding, stag etc come up.

I agree imagine using your own wedding as a weapon. You’d think he would just be delighted to be getting married. I think I’d ghost him tbh. Life’s too short for that kind of drama

Dean sounds like a dickhead

Dean would be dropped like a hot potato.

I must admit I'm surprise at this coming from a man as it's usually a woman who takes umbrage at these things.

There is only one reply your husband should give and it's -

'Grow up!'

Dean's an awful fxxkwit.
Imagine finding out that your fiancé is using your nuptials to settle a score.
Mortified, cringe and total embarrassment wouldn't touch it.

Totally ignore it, and carry on as normal. He will then realise what an immature silly billy he is being and most likely be rather embarrassed xx

I think I saw this by mistake (couldn't find the remote). It's an episode of EastEnders.

We subsequently found the remote, so I never found out what happened...😒

Honestly some people are just beyond petty. My DH and I weren’t invited to a wedding of someone he was close to for many years as his fiancée didn’t much care for me when she first met me and at the time I was the ‘new’ girlfriend (even though we had been together over 2 years). Fast forward 10 years and my DH and I decide to get married - by this time we have spent lots of time with them and they are very much part of our friendship group - also the female apologised many times for being such a cow and not inviting us to their wedding. I didn’t know them at the time so I wasn’t bothered but I know DH was hurt. We invited them to our wedding without hesitation as things change and we are still friends now - have been for 13 years. You don’t always have to play tit for tat.

Dean sounds like a grade A fuckwit

’No biggie, enjoy your day.’