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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this odd wedding situation

174 replies

BrummieBab · 18/12/2024 19:54

DH and I got married two and a half years ago. DH remains close to a large group of his school friends who were all invited. He is also still sort of in touch with (but much less close to) a wider circle of school friends who we see sometimes at parties or weddings but don’t really socialise with independently.

At the time we got married, one friend, Dean, was part of the second category of friends, in that we saw him now and then at other people’s events but he wasn’t ever invited to our events and he never invited us to anything. He wasn’t invited to our wedding because we just weren’t close at that time. Since then, we’ve got a lot closer as a result of him reconnecting with one of DH’s best friends who we see regularly. He now comes to all our group events and I’d say we’re good friends with him now, we invite him to parties etc now.

Apologies for the big back story. The issue now is that Dean is engaged and last week sent out wedding invitations. Everyone else in the close group of school friends has been invited. DH and I aren’t invited. We aren’t bothered by this at all - Dean has a large group of friends so can’t invite everyone, we’ve only been close for the last year or so, plus it’s taking place 100 miles away so we would need to stay overnight and we have young kids and will have a 6 week old baby when the date comes round. So we honestly didn’t think anything of it.

The weird part is that Dean texted my DH especially to say ‘sorry you’re not invited but you know we weren’t invited when you got married.’ DH thought that was a bit weird but just texted back ‘haha no worries, hope you have a great day and look forward to seeing pics’. Then Dean comes back again and is like ‘well now you know how it feels to be the one not invited’. DH replied
‘What do you mean?’ And Dean replies ‘just that. Now you know how it feels to not be invited.’

AIBU or is this weird? Dean wasn’t invited to our wedding because we weren’t close then. We’re closer now, but not to the point where DH and I would assume we would be on the guest list, but it’s like he’s making sure we know we’re deliberately excluded as a tit for tat?

DH has no idea how to respond. I’ve said just leave it and see if things settle down but he’s worried that if it’s not addressed it will make things awkward with the friendship group.

OP posts:
SlightDrip · 18/12/2024 21:49

I’d be wondering how I could possibly have become close to someone who appears to operate at the level of tween tit-for-tat.

comedycentral · 18/12/2024 21:50

Dean needs to grow up! Good luck to whomever is marrying him.

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 18/12/2024 21:53

Vaxtable · 18/12/2024 20:24

He’s being childish. Personally I would respond because as I get older I can’t be arsed with people behaving like this and would respond something along the lines of Dean, as you know we were not close at the time of our wedding, we have become friends again over the past year but we were not expecting an invite anyway, however your childish behaviour makes me realise why we weren’t close in the first place

This!

SpryCat · 18/12/2024 21:59

I’d select a cat GIF with claws out saying meow

UndeniablyGenX · 18/12/2024 22:01

Dean is a plonker.

FloydWasACat · 18/12/2024 22:07

Tell Dean to f off, how bloody petty!!!

Gcsunnyside23 · 18/12/2024 22:09

anxioussister · 18/12/2024 20:43

There are lots of good responses above - my iteration would look like this…

”mate I’m genuinely sorry if you felt left out - BrummieBab and I are glad we’ve spent more time with you over the last year, you’re an important part of our lives. We’ll be thinking of you on the big day!’

Edited

I'd definitely do this. Dickhead dean isn't going to drop this as others will be asking why you aren't going and he will put his hard fine by story out. So message what above said as he will spin you as not caring

anxioussister · 18/12/2024 22:11

Gcsunnyside23 · 18/12/2024 22:09

I'd definitely do this. Dickhead dean isn't going to drop this as others will be asking why you aren't going and he will put his hard fine by story out. So message what above said as he will spin you as not caring

Show quote history

Totally - Be unambiguously ‘the decent one’ if he bitches to friends about it and they ask / Keep the moral high ground..!

WillimNot · 18/12/2024 22:12

Dean is a precious prick. Is he an adult or 12?

What a bellend I would make the other friend in the group who added him to the main group know.

MrsToothyBitch · 18/12/2024 22:12

Dickhead Dean indeed. I think short n sweet is your best bet here. "We understand- enjoy your day" would be my reply. He can't do much with that and you've wished him well. Total silence could be misconstrued in a friend group.

I had someone I'm pretty sure was offended not to have been asked to ours. We didn't get an invite to his and no more has been said on either side. We're polite when we meet. As it should be.

HagsRule · 19/12/2024 08:35

This is the perfect response @BrummieBab I'd get your DH to say this.

I wasn't invited to a friend's sister's wedding yet all our shared friendship group were (as in, she invited everyone else; all of her sister's friends apart from me). I was a bit hurt at the time but then as the years went by we got closer as she continued to hang out with all of us and not just her sister and when it was my turn to get married I invited her and her husband.

I have a lot of friends so couldn't invite her to my hen do, but her sister (who was my original friend) was at my hen do. My original friend did make a comment at the hen weekend why her sister wasn't there and I said well, numbers are tight and she's coming to the wedding. When my friend pushed it I slightly snapped back and said, 'remember your sister didn't invite me to anything of hers; hen do or wedding!' I felt bad after but she was trying to make me feel bad that her sister wasn't with us at the hen do.

I think sometimes weddings just bring out crazy emotions. Her sister was fine about it! Delighted to be at our wedding and never said anything to me about the lack of hen weekend invitation. We are closer now we both have kids. Sometimes life's like that. Circumstances change.

Edited to say I forgot to post the quote that @Ohnobackagain suggested at 21.24. It's a good one, makes perfect sense I think your DH should say this to dean.

ZenNudist · 19/12/2024 08:41

Definitely ignore. or 😂 at best laughing face.

I'd pull back from the friendship a bit. It seems like he's a grudge bearer so it's not worth being friends. Who knows what resentment lurks?!

Toomanyemails · 19/12/2024 08:46

He's being weird and petty.
To give benefit of the doubt is it possible he didnt see his and your relationship as being in a second tier, ie he had fewer close friendships at the time of your wedding and considered your DH a close friend so was genuinely upset? Or was he close with all the other people DH is close to, and not the others in your second tier, so that's why he felt like the only one left out? But the time for him to mention that was then, not now and deff not in such a weird way! I'd either ignore or encourage DH to chat to him in person to resolve it.

Nogaxeh · 19/12/2024 09:08

Different people have different expectations over who should be invited to weddings and so I don't think explaining is going to help. Dean will still think you did wrong.

Sometimes you just can't agree with people, so I think you have to let this go and hope Dean forgets it now that "justice has been done" in his eyes.

TubeScreamer · 19/12/2024 09:09

Dean is very weird indeed. I don’t think I’d want any future contact with him.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 19/12/2024 09:12

I feel quite sorry for the future Mrs Dean.

Tibby2024 · 19/12/2024 09:12

Spirallingdownwards · 18/12/2024 20:20

Dickhead Dean the Drama Queen

Grin
Caiti19 · 19/12/2024 09:13

I would not respond to that at all. Responding to him is giving him satisfaction. He clearly wanted your DH to be upset, and is annoyed that he's not. Dean is a bit pathetic really.

Purplecatshopaholic · 19/12/2024 09:16

Dean is an immature dick. I’d be taking a step back from him sharpish! Life’s too short.

Caiti19 · 19/12/2024 09:20

anxioussister · 18/12/2024 20:43

There are lots of good responses above - my iteration would look like this…

”mate I’m genuinely sorry if you felt left out - BrummieBab and I are glad we’ve spent more time with you over the last year, you’re an important part of our lives. We’ll be thinking of you on the big day!’

Edited

This is a good response.

Thanksforyourlackofthought · 19/12/2024 09:23

I wouldn't just ignore it as you'll be seeing Dean again due to your friendship group and the older I get, the more inclined I am to call out bad behaviour although I don't think everything has to be a confrontation.
He chose to make you aware of the situation so its not unreasonable to respond. As previous posters have said, briefly explain that your friendship wasn't as close as it is now at that point and that you are absolutely fine with not receiving an invite to his wedding however if it were me I'd definitely be adding a brief acknowledgement of what he's said, along the lines of "Genuinely sorry you have felt hurt about the situation for so long. Please know that I am not upset at not being invited, you can invite whomever you choose, but I am disappointed that you are not the friend I thought you were as you are so keen to want to attempt to hurt me. See you when I see you."

MayaPinion · 19/12/2024 09:27

I’d just say, ‘No worries, Dean. I hope you and Loretta have a brilliant day!’ and leave it at that.

LimeYellow · 19/12/2024 09:32

I'd just reiterate "no worries mate, totally understand you can't invite everyone".

OddBallNumber5 · 19/12/2024 09:35

BrummieBab · 18/12/2024 19:54

DH and I got married two and a half years ago. DH remains close to a large group of his school friends who were all invited. He is also still sort of in touch with (but much less close to) a wider circle of school friends who we see sometimes at parties or weddings but don’t really socialise with independently.

At the time we got married, one friend, Dean, was part of the second category of friends, in that we saw him now and then at other people’s events but he wasn’t ever invited to our events and he never invited us to anything. He wasn’t invited to our wedding because we just weren’t close at that time. Since then, we’ve got a lot closer as a result of him reconnecting with one of DH’s best friends who we see regularly. He now comes to all our group events and I’d say we’re good friends with him now, we invite him to parties etc now.

Apologies for the big back story. The issue now is that Dean is engaged and last week sent out wedding invitations. Everyone else in the close group of school friends has been invited. DH and I aren’t invited. We aren’t bothered by this at all - Dean has a large group of friends so can’t invite everyone, we’ve only been close for the last year or so, plus it’s taking place 100 miles away so we would need to stay overnight and we have young kids and will have a 6 week old baby when the date comes round. So we honestly didn’t think anything of it.

The weird part is that Dean texted my DH especially to say ‘sorry you’re not invited but you know we weren’t invited when you got married.’ DH thought that was a bit weird but just texted back ‘haha no worries, hope you have a great day and look forward to seeing pics’. Then Dean comes back again and is like ‘well now you know how it feels to be the one not invited’. DH replied
‘What do you mean?’ And Dean replies ‘just that. Now you know how it feels to not be invited.’

AIBU or is this weird? Dean wasn’t invited to our wedding because we weren’t close then. We’re closer now, but not to the point where DH and I would assume we would be on the guest list, but it’s like he’s making sure we know we’re deliberately excluded as a tit for tat?

DH has no idea how to respond. I’ve said just leave it and see if things settle down but he’s worried that if it’s not addressed it will make things awkward with the friendship group.

What a wanker. We couldn’t invite all our friends as we both have biggish families. It caused a couple of comments but if you can’t afford it or do it, people should respect that. We also didn’t invite the new partner of a friend. They’d been together four months by the time the wedding came around. They were upset but how can I prioritise a random partner over a family/close friend?!

LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 19/12/2024 09:36

If you don’t want it to be weird in your friendship group I’d honestly just ignore it. And inwardly cringe at the childish petty way this dude is behaving. If he tells other people about his thought process on this I’m sure they’ll think the same way. It won’t be you that makes it weird then…