About this odd wedding situation

[BrummieBab]

DH and I got married two and a half years ago. DH remains close to a large group of his school friends who were all invited. He is also still sort of in touch with (but much less close to) a wider circle of school friends who we see sometimes at parties or weddings but don’t really socialise with independently.

At the time we got married, one friend, Dean, was part of the second category of friends, in that we saw him now and then at other people’s events but he wasn’t ever invited to our events and he never invited us to anything. He wasn’t invited to our wedding because we just weren’t close at that time. Since then, we’ve got a lot closer as a result of him reconnecting with one of DH’s best friends who we see regularly. He now comes to all our group events and I’d say we’re good friends with him now, we invite him to parties etc now.

Apologies for the big back story. The issue now is that Dean is engaged and last week sent out wedding invitations. Everyone else in the close group of school friends has been invited. DH and I aren’t invited. We aren’t bothered by this at all - Dean has a large group of friends so can’t invite everyone, we’ve only been close for the last year or so, plus it’s taking place 100 miles away so we would need to stay overnight and we have young kids and will have a 6 week old baby when the date comes round. So we honestly didn’t think anything of it.

The weird part is that Dean texted my DH especially to say ‘sorry you’re not invited but you know we weren’t invited when you got married.’ DH thought that was a bit weird but just texted back ‘haha no worries, hope you have a great day and look forward to seeing pics’. Then Dean comes back again and is like ‘well now you know how it feels to be the one not invited’. DH replied
‘What do you mean?’ And Dean replies ‘just that. Now you know how it feels to not be invited.’

AIBU or is this weird? Dean wasn’t invited to our wedding because we weren’t close then. We’re closer now, but not to the point where DH and I would assume we would be on the guest list, but it’s like he’s making sure we know we’re deliberately excluded as a tit for tat?

DH has no idea how to respond. I’ve said just leave it and see if things settle down but he’s worried that if it’s not addressed it will make things awkward with the friendship group.

He is not your friend. Time to ignore and block him. Screenshot the conversation and send it to any friend who thinks you are in the wrong.

That's so ridiculously petty I don't think I would actually look at him in quite the same way again. He has deliberatley not invited you to make a point, which is weird if he wants the friendahip to continue. Part of me would want to respond along the same lines as 'yeah mate, it fees pretty similar to not being invited to each others 30ths / NYE parties and all the other events we didn't spend together before we started spending more time together a couple of years ago'. But for the sake of the friendship group I think I'd respond along the lines of as pp have suggested, 'totally understand, its impossible to invite everyone! Have an amazing day and look forward to hearing about it'. If he replies negatively to that, then he will really make himself feel like a dick

Dean is a twat.

Absolutely this!

He wants to get under your skin and be hurt. What an absolute dick.

The best thing to do is send a friendly, nonchalant message back making it clear you’re both delighted for him and hope they have an amazing day. And then back off the friendship.

Odd! What a weird man..I'd reply 'We didn't expect to be invited but back then we invited people we were close to, we never saw you back then'.

Maybe his head has a weird timeliness.

Well, he's made future social gatherings a bit awkward hasn't he! Sounds like he has been harbouring resentment for a while. I'd be cringing if I was his future wife. I wonder if she knows he sent that. Very petty and weird, but for the sake of friendship groups I would probably have to respond with a P/A thumbs up to show you don't care and forget about it. When it comes up in a social gathering as to why you weren't there. I wouldn't spare any details of the text exchange, "oh we weren't invited out of spite" with a grin and a raised brow and a shrug. Then everyone will see what a chump he is.

I would remind Dean that you weren’t friends then the way you are now.

I would also stop inviting Dean to any future parties or events because he sounds like a lunatic, but that’s maybe just me.

Classic Morgan Stanley Dean Wittier Turd of a man.

Gosh, Dean sounds emotionally immature! Maybe it was one of those situations where he thought he was closer to you and DH than you did? Especially if you two are quite a sociable, gregarious couple? But still!

I think your DH should resist the temptation to reply with the laughing emoji, and maybe just reply with a thumbs up or a “ok then, like I said hope you have a lovely day!”

Dean wants your DH to feel how it feels to be Dean. But your DH does not and will never feel that way because they clearly experience the world very differently!

Or perhaps, “To be fair, mate, you didn’t invite me to your fifth birthday party and I heard there was ice cream AND a clown”.

Is Dean old enough to be getting married? I'd be embarrassed if my 11yo behaved like this.

Dean is a prick.

Message to Dean: mate, you totally win but the non invite isn't even registering on our give a shit o'metre.

Dean sounds as if he has been reading wedding threads on AIBU.

I'd be tempted to do a passive aggressive 'OK then!'

I'd have to reply with " Yeah, ok, whatever....."

Haha, love this!

I’d be tempted to reply something like
‘come on mate, there’s no need for that. We’re ok with not being invited, we know how it is, and back then we weren’t as close as we are now. It wasn’t personal’. But then I like to have the last word! There’s probably not really an answer you could give that would appease someone like this so don’t try if you don’t care too much about the friendship. I think this would kill it for me anyway, it’s so vindictive!

I think I'd reply with "I hadn't realised you were so upset at not coming to our wedding, as you know we weren't close at the time. I didn't realise you were still thinking about it. But don't worry, we aren't worried about missing your wedding, totally understand you'll want close friends there."

Dick.

Dean needs to grow up. He is not your friend.

I would be completely indifferent to Dean’s wedding just to piss him off. He wants a reaction- he wants you to be pissed off. So I would do the opposite.

what an asshole

Pathetic. One of my closest friends once said she'd wished she known me longer so had invited me to her wedding. It's a compliment. Lives change. I'd cut off this duckhead personally

I’d be tempted to forward it to the mutual friend with a ‘Is Dean ok??’ If I was your DH. He’s being ridiculous and I wouldn’t want someone like that in my house. It’s the fact that he wanted to try and upset you and make a point of it that is creepy.

Dean is an idiot and I’d pull back from the friendship. Who needs friends like that?

I hope your husband replied ‘the feeling that this is a reasonable decision and I’m not offended in the slightest. Good. Glad we’re on the same page.’

I think the follow up message from Dean is absolutely wild! There was zero issue up until this point but it makes him look incredibly petty and childish. Why is he using his wedding as a way to prove a ridiculous point - does he not have other priorities; such as his future wife?

I wouldn’t feel obliged to explain why you didn’t invite him. You have nothing to explain. The only issue here is the one he created by that frankly unbelievable text!

Id actually reply and say something like “I am utterly taken aback by this message and don’t know how to respond”. Then just leave it. Good call screenshotting the text.

He’s manufactured the drama; he’s the one who needs to untangle it - it’s not your problem to fix.