About this odd wedding situation

[BrummieBab]

DH and I got married two and a half years ago. DH remains close to a large group of his school friends who were all invited. He is also still sort of in touch with (but much less close to) a wider circle of school friends who we see sometimes at parties or weddings but don’t really socialise with independently.

At the time we got married, one friend, Dean, was part of the second category of friends, in that we saw him now and then at other people’s events but he wasn’t ever invited to our events and he never invited us to anything. He wasn’t invited to our wedding because we just weren’t close at that time. Since then, we’ve got a lot closer as a result of him reconnecting with one of DH’s best friends who we see regularly. He now comes to all our group events and I’d say we’re good friends with him now, we invite him to parties etc now.

Apologies for the big back story. The issue now is that Dean is engaged and last week sent out wedding invitations. Everyone else in the close group of school friends has been invited. DH and I aren’t invited. We aren’t bothered by this at all - Dean has a large group of friends so can’t invite everyone, we’ve only been close for the last year or so, plus it’s taking place 100 miles away so we would need to stay overnight and we have young kids and will have a 6 week old baby when the date comes round. So we honestly didn’t think anything of it.

The weird part is that Dean texted my DH especially to say ‘sorry you’re not invited but you know we weren’t invited when you got married.’ DH thought that was a bit weird but just texted back ‘haha no worries, hope you have a great day and look forward to seeing pics’. Then Dean comes back again and is like ‘well now you know how it feels to be the one not invited’. DH replied
‘What do you mean?’ And Dean replies ‘just that. Now you know how it feels to not be invited.’

AIBU or is this weird? Dean wasn’t invited to our wedding because we weren’t close then. We’re closer now, but not to the point where DH and I would assume we would be on the guest list, but it’s like he’s making sure we know we’re deliberately excluded as a tit for tat?

DH has no idea how to respond. I’ve said just leave it and see if things settle down but he’s worried that if it’s not addressed it will make things awkward with the friendship group.

I wonder if he's been on mn. It's just the sort of thing some mn-tters suggest texting in the opposite situation.

Good luck to his future wife - she’s marrying a nasty man. You now know that you need to keep your distance from him as he’s shown you his true colours.

Like others have suggested, just text back a laidback message of showing you really don’t care and wishing the couple well. Or just send a 👍

I’d reply with something along the lines of PP about not hanging out with him back then.

Then I’d send a screen shot to the others with a “what the fuck is going on with Dean?” message. There’s no way I’d let him get away with that shit.

I do love this wording! If you decided to go nuclear 🤣

“Well I didn’t feel anything mate because I don’t mind not being invited, it’s your wedding at the end of the day. It wasn't like we snubbed you at ours on purpose, we had limited numbers and invited people who we were closer with at the time. Now that we know you are snubbing us on purpose it all seems very petty, so I wish you well and I’ll be rethinking this friendship now. It’s a shame but I can’t be doing with it. I’ve no idea why you had to make it such a big deal”

Whatever your action or inaction, it will be awkward from now on. I don't know what to suggest.

Perhaps he felt he was closer than you did. Perception of friendship can differ between the 2 people involved!

It's true that it can be a bit crushing to realise you are in the outer circle when you thought you were in the inner circle. It appears Dean thought he was a closer buddy at the time of your wedding than he actually was. He was hurt. Now he thinks he has evened things up with a stinging message.

It would be playing into his hands to react strongly or defensively though. As Michelle Obama said - when they go low, we go high. So a bland best wishes for the wedding is preferable. Then he will know he hasn't landed a punch.

So this manchild has been storing resentment for 5 years about not being invited to a wedding, then sends you a spiteful text and wont leave it alone, 5 years later to prove a point, that you don't even care about. Personally I feel sorry for his wife to be, this is another level of pettiness. I would just send him best wishes and probably a nice card just to show him a mature way of dealing with not being invited to something. Then I would assume he eill be divorced within a year due to his petty behaviour and be glad I didnt travel 100 miles at my expense to be a part of a soon to be shit show!

I would s as this.
As all you DH wants is to avoid weird situations this would be it for me. And then…slowly step back from the man!

Ignore the snippy comments. Do not retaliate or refer to them. It doesn't matter. Simply send all best wishes and positivity. He's obviously been sitting on this egg and hatching it like a ugly chick for ages. Friends can be dicks.

Deans a drama queen I personally would ignore.

Oh dear…well he holds grudges and is a nasty little man so best to de-escalate. No doubt you will be regaled with endless ‘best wedding in the world’ pics and conversations just to rub it in.

if you want to reply I’d go for ‘sorry you feel that way, have a fabulous day’. There’s no point in saying ‘we weren’t close back then’ as he obviously thought you were so that will just throw oil on the fire.

@BrummieBab I'd have replied 'lol'

It says he’s a tit-for-tat big baby that needs to be given a wide birth! Ick! 🤢

Agreed. DH's earlier response already hits exactly the right note: laugh at him and refuse to take him remotely seriously.

He obviously wants a confrontation, therefore amused nonchalance is by far the best response. Also, why would anyone placate this buffoon by telling him how important he is to your lives? After such a display of petty spite I'd be inclined to reassess that importance and recalibrate the friendship accordingly.

He's shown who he is and given you a great out for not attending another tedious wedding. I'd take both as a gift!

So many great replies here but also how awkward next time you see him!!! He’s made a complete idiot of himself!!

What an immature twat.

I'd just ignore it and distance myself from him as much as possible. Sounds like an oddball.

That's just petty and snide. It's nothing to do with the other friends in the group.

OP's husband sounds chilled out about it, thankfully.

Exactly. I'd give him a wide berth because he's obviously vindictive.

I would just ask him what he's choosing for his GCSE options.

Well, it depends whether you want to placate him or piss him off. If he is going to be part of your social group you may want to keep things sweet so send one of the suggested messages that explain it from your point of view (he wasn't a close friend at the time) and wish him well. If, understandably, you want to 'cancel' him now then ignore his snarky message or just do the pass-ag thumbs up emoji. He was obviously hurt and misunderstood his place in your lives ....or may possibly be a bit of a twat.

Dean is a twat.

But he's also a petty Iago type.
I bet there's a whisper campaign going on with the chosen few he's honoured with his invitation.

Giant step back from Dean I think.

That’s one way to end a friendship I guess.