About this odd wedding situation

[BrummieBab]

DH and I got married two and a half years ago. DH remains close to a large group of his school friends who were all invited. He is also still sort of in touch with (but much less close to) a wider circle of school friends who we see sometimes at parties or weddings but don’t really socialise with independently.

At the time we got married, one friend, Dean, was part of the second category of friends, in that we saw him now and then at other people’s events but he wasn’t ever invited to our events and he never invited us to anything. He wasn’t invited to our wedding because we just weren’t close at that time. Since then, we’ve got a lot closer as a result of him reconnecting with one of DH’s best friends who we see regularly. He now comes to all our group events and I’d say we’re good friends with him now, we invite him to parties etc now.

Apologies for the big back story. The issue now is that Dean is engaged and last week sent out wedding invitations. Everyone else in the close group of school friends has been invited. DH and I aren’t invited. We aren’t bothered by this at all - Dean has a large group of friends so can’t invite everyone, we’ve only been close for the last year or so, plus it’s taking place 100 miles away so we would need to stay overnight and we have young kids and will have a 6 week old baby when the date comes round. So we honestly didn’t think anything of it.

The weird part is that Dean texted my DH especially to say ‘sorry you’re not invited but you know we weren’t invited when you got married.’ DH thought that was a bit weird but just texted back ‘haha no worries, hope you have a great day and look forward to seeing pics’. Then Dean comes back again and is like ‘well now you know how it feels to be the one not invited’. DH replied
‘What do you mean?’ And Dean replies ‘just that. Now you know how it feels to not be invited.’

AIBU or is this weird? Dean wasn’t invited to our wedding because we weren’t close then. We’re closer now, but not to the point where DH and I would assume we would be on the guest list, but it’s like he’s making sure we know we’re deliberately excluded as a tit for tat?

DH has no idea how to respond. I’ve said just leave it and see if things settle down but he’s worried that if it’s not addressed it will make things awkward with the friendship group.

Thanks all, your responses are making me laugh 😂 he is being a dickhead! It’s a shame for DH who is the chillest, least drama-involved person in the world but he’s not the one who created the situation. He’s decided to ignore it but screenshot the messages in case any other friends mention anything.

This is a good response!
If Dean keeps going with the “I’m not inviting you out of spite” then tbh he has shown his true colours.
Budgets can’t always allow reciprocating wedding invites and friendships wane and develop.

Dean's got a bad case of Main Character Syndrome.

Dean is also a dick.

What a petty little fart of a man.

It's one thing for him to think this but ridiculously immature to mention it.

I'm not sure I could ignore or get over such a comment. But if you want to, get your DH to address it openly with him and see if he accepts the explanation. Maybe send it as a message so you can think through your word choices carefully.

This is the best approach to me as well.
Not responding will definitely make it awkward with him in the friendship group (due to Dean's petty behaviour). I know that would make me very anxious before any meetup, and I'm thinking your husband might feel the same.

In addition to what the other poster said above, I would say something about not being offended because you understand how tricky it is to manage guest list.

He's the bitterest man in the living room, the bitterest man in the living room ...

I think I’d reply “sorry, I didn’t realise you’d been upset by that. We know not everyone can be invited and hope you have an amazing day”

Weird message from Dean but I’d want to reply and say something like “Hi Dean, sorry you were upset that you weren’t invited to ours but we weren’t as close at the time. We see a lot more of you these days! Anyway, no worries we know how tricky it can be with wedding invitations - we hope you have an amazing day.”

There are lots of good responses above - my iteration would look like this…

”mate I’m genuinely sorry if you felt left out - BrummieBab and I are glad we’ve spent more time with you over the last year, you’re an important part of our lives. We’ll be thinking of you on the big day!’

I'd do this too.

He's been a dick, but he's hurting over not being invited.

Now you know how it feels to not be invited

I'd reply - oh no, please invite us Dean, we're so incredibly sorry for leaving you out of our wedding. We're going out of our minds here with not being invited. You've really shown us Dean haven't you, you've really shown us. But don't worry, we'll be there for your divorce party when your wife discovers what an absolute tool you are. Take care.

Is Dean in fact 8!

'Well, I wasn't invited to your party, so you aren't coming to mine!!!' 🙄
What an immature twat!

Do you know his partner? I feel sorry for them!

I'd address it. There's some good responses here. Left to fester & ignored it could poison the whole group (against you, possibly).

A life long friend of DH's didn't address the hurt of not being invited to our wedding. Except he WAS invited. 20 years later he brought it up randomly & his DW said 'wth are you talking about? We were invited but couldn't go'! I asked him how long he'd been sitting on that. Years, apparently. He'd just got it in his head one day that he wasn't there because he wasn't invited. People skew things in their mind over time.

Loving these responses. I like what @anxioussister wrote but I might change the "important part of our lives" bit to something like "it's been great to get to know you better"
Just so he doesn't think he's THAT important 🤣
Honestly. He sounds like a total man child. I have low tolerance for this kind of drama. It's tedious.

I don’t think I’d reply. Dean wants a further response to his playground whinging (believe me, he’s watching his phone avidly) but I wouldn’t bite or placate. Just leave him to stew in his turdery and step away. When you see him, just be yourselves.

What a big baby.

Yes. Dean is behaving very weirdly.

Like most, I would just ignore now, if I were your dh.

Gosh, poor Dean has been planning that revenge for 2.5 years..

I don’t know, was he the only one in a group of friends who wasn’t invited? That would hurt, as we see all the time on MN when people feel singled out.

I think he’s using the wedding as a way to address something that’s clearly been festering.

There are some great responses on here, use one of them.

Yes thumbs up would be my response.

I'm embarrassed for him and would probably reply with a load of laughing emojis. Just wouldn't entertain it.

@BrummieBab think in your DH’s shoes I’d have to say, “our friendship today is a lot closer than when we got married. We didn’t invite you then because we didn’t really know you. However, if we were marrying now, we’d have invited you, so I’m really not sure why you feel you need to make a point, especially as until you told us why we aren’t invited, we had no expectations as we realise it’s impossible to invite everyone you want to”.

Something like that, anyway. Dean is being a sh*t.

Or marry such a a petty prat! Major turn off.

What a sad act Dean is! My DH would probably do the same and ignore, but I’d be pushing him to say something along the lines of “Gosh, I didn’t realise you’d been holding on to these type of feelings. So sorry you obviously felt so upset at not being invited to our wedding, even though we weren’t really close back then. If this attempt at tit for tat makes you feel better though, then go for it. Can’t say you’ll have made your point though because I won’t be half as upset as you clearly are.” But hey, I’m passive aggressive and petty!

This