About this odd wedding situation

[BrummieBab]

DH and I got married two and a half years ago. DH remains close to a large group of his school friends who were all invited. He is also still sort of in touch with (but much less close to) a wider circle of school friends who we see sometimes at parties or weddings but don’t really socialise with independently.

At the time we got married, one friend, Dean, was part of the second category of friends, in that we saw him now and then at other people’s events but he wasn’t ever invited to our events and he never invited us to anything. He wasn’t invited to our wedding because we just weren’t close at that time. Since then, we’ve got a lot closer as a result of him reconnecting with one of DH’s best friends who we see regularly. He now comes to all our group events and I’d say we’re good friends with him now, we invite him to parties etc now.

Apologies for the big back story. The issue now is that Dean is engaged and last week sent out wedding invitations. Everyone else in the close group of school friends has been invited. DH and I aren’t invited. We aren’t bothered by this at all - Dean has a large group of friends so can’t invite everyone, we’ve only been close for the last year or so, plus it’s taking place 100 miles away so we would need to stay overnight and we have young kids and will have a 6 week old baby when the date comes round. So we honestly didn’t think anything of it.

The weird part is that Dean texted my DH especially to say ‘sorry you’re not invited but you know we weren’t invited when you got married.’ DH thought that was a bit weird but just texted back ‘haha no worries, hope you have a great day and look forward to seeing pics’. Then Dean comes back again and is like ‘well now you know how it feels to be the one not invited’. DH replied
‘What do you mean?’ And Dean replies ‘just that. Now you know how it feels to not be invited.’

AIBU or is this weird? Dean wasn’t invited to our wedding because we weren’t close then. We’re closer now, but not to the point where DH and I would assume we would be on the guest list, but it’s like he’s making sure we know we’re deliberately excluded as a tit for tat?

DH has no idea how to respond. I’ve said just leave it and see if things settle down but he’s worried that if it’s not addressed it will make things awkward with the friendship group.

He isn't a friend.

WTF 🤣 harbouring such resentment over fuck all & making a massive thing about it...

Dean has revealed himself as a crazy person & should be kept at arms length in future.

“just that. Now you know how it feels to not be invited” He’s giving Marshall Mathers Stan vibes…….

I’d reply:

“Mate, I don’t know how else to say this! I don’t feel anything by not being invited, other than I understand how difficult it is to plan a wedding. I’m not sure why you seem upset by not being invited to ours, seeing as we weren’t as close back then. But I am sorry that it has upset you. I hope you have a great wedding day mate and let’s catch up for a beer soon 👍”

Obviously you and DH won't want to be friends with Dean the Jerk going forward 🙄

So .....no need to respond any further

Wy would you reply saying that Dean the drama king is an important part of your lives? That's only going to make him feel more satisfied with his outburst.

What an absolute petty, silly man.
Ignore it.
Move on, that kind of behaviour is extremely toxic and you don't need it.
The dude probably the kind of guy that removes people in facebook for not wishing him HBD on his FB wall.

I'd send a laughing emoji and then block*

*disclaimer - I don't have many friends as I have very low tolerance for other people's nonsense.

Dean is obviously wasn't happy that he wasn't invited to your wedding. It's too late now but looks like you misread the situation. I'd just ignore the whole thing and see how the friendship goes forward in the future

"Dean, we didn't know each other so well back then and lots of people didn't get invited to our wedding on the basis as we had to keep numbers tight. Wish you mentioned this beforehand rather than raise it now and make things awkward around your own wedding. We've become close over the years and have invited to you to other celebrations/get-togethers since - but we didn't expect a wedding invitation, that's entirely your choice. Wishing you all the best for your big day."

And leave it there. Cannot be doing with the pettiness, but if you are part of a larger group of mutuals then I think you need to address it in a way that just spells it out once and for all - be matter-of-fact about it and don't brook further responses on this particular topic, be the ones to draw the line.

I would reply 'ok'.

It ends the conversation and gives him no fuel.

I would be tempted to reply
Mate, now that you are arranging a wedding you will understand that it's not possible to invite everyone you would like to. At the time of our wedding, we couldn't invite everyone and focused on people we saw regularly. At the time, you were not someone we saw regularly. I am really pleased that our friendship has developed since then. Anyway, I really hope that there are now hard feelings anyway. I hope you have a brilliant weddings and a happy marraige

"Grow up Dean, you petty little prick. Good luck to your future wife, she'll need it." with a 🍿 emoji.

Then block.

hahaha! Exactly this. It's fine not to invite everyone but who on earth doesnt invite someone purely as some kind of bizarre, years long tit for tat. I dont think his stupid lack of invite is quite the punishment he thinks it is 😂

What a total wanker.

Know not now!

Or even 'no'!

no not know !

I'd send a message simply saying "We don't mind at all as otherwise we'd have had to arrange travel and childcare. Have a great day!"

That way you're not being nasty, nor responding to his last message, but he gets more wound up as he will see that he hasn't had the impact he wanted.

He is a weirdo. To harbour such strong feelings over a non-event. Good luck to his future wife,she will need it

I agree- I certainly wouldnt be telling him how great it is to have known him better because he's outed himself as a petty idiot so it really isnt "great" to have known him better if this is what he's like.

He is the human equivalent of opening a nicely wrapped present to find a turd in a box.

I'd reply, "no worries mate, hopefully your bride will invite us to her next wedding"
But that's probably just me, and I give zero f

The response I would want to send out would depend very much on whether you want to burn a bridge to Dean or not.

If you didn't care about him being part of whatever social group he and you move in, I'd be considering sending him something like "Don't be such a dick. We didn't know you when we were getting married. It wasn't like we snubbed you on purpose. We however now know that you are snubbing us on purpose so we'll wish you well but best not stay in touch, ok?"
or perhaps "Oh do fuck off with your childish games Dean. We have saved these messages and when our wider social circle ask us why we weren't at your wedding, we'll be able to show them what an absolute dick you really are."

Or something a little less explosive might work too.

Just reply:
'Don't be a dick, Dean'

This nails it, perfect response. Sounds like he’s held a grudge and using his own wedding to put it right, which is really odd but says more about him than you so don’t give it any more thought.

Ignore it. Dean is a prat.

"It's not that deep - we didn't know you very well back in [20XX] when we got married. No worries though and we're both wishing you all the very best. See you soon."