Partners autistic son

[Dinero86]

So I don’t want to come across like I’m not understanding here, I just need some opinions or advice as I genuinely have no idea about this kind of thing and it’s really putting a strain on my relationship not understanding it.

so my partner is from London and moved down to Liverpool in July (off his own back I never asked for this). He has 3 children, 1 of them being an autistic 5yr old. He’s not majorly autistic but he is on the spectrum. Now as much as my partner is a good dad I do feel he doesn’t have ANY boundaries in place for his son. His son comes to visit and will cry to not go home, so he lets him stay and miss school no problem. His son follows him everywhere and goes everywhere with him. He has currently been down for 5weeks now, hasn’t been to school or anything, in which time I had a difficult pregnancy and miscarriage and had NO support cos again - the son was down and didn’t want to go back to his mums. My partner has his own place and so do I, so when his son is down I basically don’t get to see my partner and his son refuses to sleep alone so wants to co sleep in his dads arms all night. He also sits up til all hours playing on the Xbox with no routine. As much as I do love his son and will do anything for him I’m really struggling with the concept of not having any time alone with my partner, I had no support in my pregnancy, I lost my baby alone and even now in my greif I can’t even sit and talk to my partner without “dad, dad, dad”. Haven’t been able to cuddle, sleep next to or even have sex with my partner (sorry to be graphic) I know children should always come first but I am really starting to question if I can do this, there just seems to be no boundaries or discipline or managing of the situation. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way, is this a better way I could view it, what would anyone else do? I genuinely am just looking for advice as I don’t want know what to do. I can’t even speak to my partner about it as he gets defensive and starts shouting at me. He is wanting us to start a family and move in together but there’s absolutely no way I could handle this how it is.

Just read your updates. Your dating a man who has no job, no money who does cash in hand stuff and sits smoking weed playing Xbox and has 3 kids already who he’s not able to provide for honestly give your head a wobble. Please please set your standards higher

YANBU for disliking the situation but YABU for allowing it to continue. You need to put an end to this relationship now, and find someone else to start a family with. This is not the man for you and lovely as he may be, he’s not a good parent (and with all the shouting, not so lovely either if you ask me) Cut your losses and find someone decent - they are out there if you are willing to look!

OP, your future with this man will be hell on earth. Try to stop worrying about the children, you can’t help them. It’s not his ex who is the problem. If you don’t leave, the rest of your life will be miserable. As another poster has said, Autism is genetic and you are likely to also have an autistic child. My children are autistic too, I love the bones of them but my god it’s hard. You will not have the support you need from this man. Please, you need some counselling to see why you think this is a relationship worth saving.

From your last thread, OP:

“once the kids went back to London Monday his abuse turned horrendous. Threatening me if I think I’m ever moving on and meeting anyone else he will have blood run through the streets of Liverpool. No man will ever be around his child. None of my friends had better go to any apps over my pregnancy cos he will turn up and batter her etc. I begged him to stop as it was making me ill. Thursday came and I started bleeding very heavy so got taken back to hospital, I was told it was likely i was losing the baby and had to go back Monday…The next morning after he left I began having horrendous pain and passing clots so I rang him scared asking him to please come back and help me as I was losing the baby, his exact words where “I’m going to London to pick my son up what do u want me to do about it. If your that bad ring a anbulance”. Left me losing the baby on my own on the bathroom floor.”

Get away from this man and call social services to make a report about the children - that’s really the only meaningful thing you can do for them.

What else is there for anyone here to say?

This man does not need another chil. Quit while you are ahead.

I have an autistic son. He is hard work and has ASD with complex needs so really difficult. It’s not normal. As a parent of a kid with ASD it’s unrelenting work. My son struggled to sleep we had him on melatonin and regular bed times. He hated school owe fought to get him 1:1 support but moreover we taught him most of what he learnt at home before and after school. He was deaf at aged 5 in 80 decibels - I taught him to read through his skull. He had discipline and more discipline eg lots of regular exercise and a complete timetable of school and activities. Also we did his therapy eg for language or motor.

Your partner is a disgrace and pathetic. He’s not helping his son he’s hindering him, My son despite having severe needs not just ASD has a place at university and is now academically ok.

Don’t get pregnant again with this man I beg you.

Do not bring another child into this family.

Sometimes I read threads on here and I want to reach into the screen and give the OP a good shake. This is one of them.

OP, this isn't the man for you. He has no career. He leaches off you. He is unsupportive during difficult times. He'd rather smoke weed and play Xbox. He has no idea about how to properly parent his child.

Think for a moment about a future with him. He won't be working properly, if at all. He will move in and become a cocklodger. You'll be worn down from having to support two adults and at least three kids. No doubt he won't help much with life admin or housework. Is this the life you want for yourself and any future child?

The best advice I can give, which will probably fall on deaf ears, is to get rid of this loser and find someone who respects you, respects himself, and knows how to adult. I'm really sorry you've experienced baby loss, but I hope you have the sense to not get pregnant to this man again.

The co-sleeping is fairly normal, my DC are NT and we co-slept for years. All 16 plus now and definitely don’t want to co-sleep now.

The rest is shocking. This child needs to be in school. The dad needs to consider taking permanent custody and getting him in school, as sounds like the mother is a waste of space. He can work when the child is in school / wrap around care like most parents do. Why are you enabling him like this? Are you paying his rent? Do not get wrapped up in this. This guy needs a bit boot up the backside, but i’d be booting him out of my life.

i think you struggle with boundaries too. You can do so much better than this relationship wise. I think you should do the freedom programme.

This. It will fall on deaf ears, though. I’d put money on OP being pregnant within a year. And forever shackled to this unemployed, abusive, cocklodging, pot smoking, XBox playing, shit father. She’ll only realise once it’s too late, when she’s in labour on her own at the hospital because he CBA, then fully financially supporting him whilst she’s on maternity leave.

From your previous thread OP:

"I’m fully aware my relationship was a shit show, believe me"

What the fuck else do you need to know?

Would you please come back and let us know that you have ended the "shit show" so we can stop banging our heads against the wall.

Yes, you say he doesn't live with you so tell him to go home. Why do you think you are obliged to pay for clothes for a child that isn't yours. His dad would rather spend money on weed than shoes for his own child. Never waste time with a druggie or unemployed men.

This!! I see the OP has ignored all the posts pointing out that this bloke is a work shy druggy cocklodger and terrible father who she shouldn’t be touching with a bargepole and instead has focused on assuring us that his ex is a terrible person and discussing the lack of boundaries with his 5 year old. It’s not a lack of boundaries, it’s not giving the faintest fuck about parenting his child. Boundaries require effort and he clearly can’t be arsed with anything requiring effort. He’s clearly an arsehole of the highest order.

obviously you should bin him off OP & of course you shouldn’t have a child with him. Honestly he sounds so bloody awful I’m amazed your vag hasn’t clamped shut of its own accord

however I very much doubt you’re going to listen

I don't care what people say to this, but send him this thread to read. That boy is being neglected, and he is being let down by both parents. Worst comes to worst, call Social Services. The mother should have her kids taken away or at least support from SS.

Im sorry for your loss. Now with respect, ive just read your last post and cant understand why you have done a 2nd post because you clearly are not taking any of the advice. You should get rid of this man asap but you wont because he is related to the baby you lost. He didnt even care about the baby you lost!
Get some self respect and choose a better life ( because there is one) without this loser.

my partner just sits smoking weed on Xbox! It’s so fustrating to watch

Don’t watch it then. Split up with him and work very hard on building up some self-respect.

Do not have sex with him, do not have a baby with him and find a partner with (as a bare minimum) a job and no weed habit that gives a shit about you.

He saw you coming, didn’t he ?

It will never work. You’ll either be the one who disrupts his relationship with his son or, more likely, always be feeling as you do now. He might be a great person but this isn’t the relationship for you.

I don’t think being with a man who already has kids is for you OP. And that’s okay, but you need to knock this on the head now and get out. Your BF sounds like a waste of space i dont know why you have ever considered having a baby with him when he can’t even look after the kids he’s got.

Still way to early to move in together much less have a child of your own.

It sounds like he needs to be a better parent to the kids he's got.

The crazy thing is you putting up with this crap!
He's a real Prince isn’t he…
Sits at home smoking weed and playing on the Xbox while you replace clothes and football boots…
Please get rid of this man today. He is using you because he can. He can see you are willing to pay out for him and his child so he can diss about and do nothing. How can he afford to buy weed if he has no money? He is a user. He can’t even support you to grieve for your baby.
Get rid of him. He won’t parent his child and he won’t change. You don’t deserve to be with someone who has such poor regard for you.
If you stay with this man you will regret it. And don’t let him move in with you.

Run for the hills.
Your boyfriend is a useless, crap parent.

I'm a parent to 2 autistic children, one of which is now an adult.

He’s not majorly autistic but he is on the spectrum.

He is 100% autistic.

Now as much as my partner is a good dad I do feel he doesn’t have ANY boundaries in place for his son.

He's not a good dad. It's very clear from your other posts that he's an absolutely terrible dad. He's moved to the other end of the country, leaving his kids behind with a mother who you say is neglecting them. Well so is he.

His son comes to visit and will cry to not go home, so he lets him stay and miss school no problem.

Completely normal for an autistic child of that age whose dad has left him. Absolutely shit parenting to let him miss school.

His son follows him everywhere and goes everywhere with him.

Very normal behaviour for an autistic 5 year old.

My partner has his own place and so do I, so when his son is down I basically don’t get to see my partner and his son refuses to sleep alone so wants to co sleep in his dads arms all night.*

Completely normal for an autistic child. My DS is almost 12 and still sleeps with me. My dear friend has the same with her autistic 13 year old.

He also sits up til all hours playing on the Xbox with no routine.

Absolutely not acceptable at all. For any child. But autistic children need routine and structure even more than NT children. The world is a swirly mass of chaos and overload. As parents we have to create extremely strong routines to hold them up amid all the noise.

As much as I do love his son and will do anything for him I’m really struggling with the concept of not having any time alone with my partner, I had no support in my pregnancy, I lost my baby alone and even now in my greif I can’t even sit and talk to my partner without “dad, dad, dad”.

Sorry for your loss and the lack of support you've had, but this is normal with an autistic child.

Not so, OP. Cells from your baby remain in your body forever, and when you are sick they will try to heal you. Regardless of how brief the pregnancy. You will have a part of your little one inside you for the rest of your life - don't let you (and them) be treated this way. Build a lovely life for yourself. Realise your worth and accept nothing less. A man that smokes weed and plays Xbox all day and night? No. Come on now. Let those scales fall from your eyes, see this man clearly. You can do it xx