Christmas is ruined and I just want to cry. Please slap some sense into me!

[3OrangeCats]

I love Christmas and I enjoy all the hype leading up to the day and everything about the season. I've booked leave from Dec 19th - Jan 05th as has DH and planned our menu and vacation activities since October.

But life isn't cooperating with me.

In late Nov, I got terrible, food poisoning which threw my back out and triggered an excruciating sciatica flare where I couldn't walk. Thanks to a steroid shot and strong painkillers, I was on the mend and THEN I got the flu. Full-on chills , headache, fever, fatigue etc. THEN, the flu and sore throat triggered my asthma so I spent the next week having coughing fits and being unable to sleep.

Throughout my illnesses, DH has been very supportive and caring and has never once complained.

Finally last Saturday, I was feeling great, DH's work projects were finally wrapped up and it felt like Christmas could finally start....and THEN, DH's sciatica flared up. What are the chances?! He can't sit at all and driving is out of the question. He got morphine, an NSAID shot and a steroid but there's been little improvement. He's going for an MRI tomorrow but it's not looking likely that he will be able to do much for the next 2-3 weeks.

I am so sad to see him in so much pain but also because all our plans now have to be cancelled and I feel terrible even thinking that. I can't drive and even if I could, DH can't sit in the car to be driven anywhere. I don't live in the UK and public transport here is terrible so I'm pretty much stuck at home. My MH was already a bit low what with being sick for 2-3 weeks and now this. I know I sound whiny and am feeling sorry for myself but I just want somewhere to vent as I don't want DH to see me like this and feel bad. He is so kind and attentive when I am unwell and wouldn't care a bit about cancelling Christmas if the shoe was on the other foot.

To make matters worse, this is just exacerbating some other issues I have with this time of year. I'm an only child and my dad died when I was 14. DH and I don't have kids yet and he's not very close with his siblings so our circle can sometimes feel small and especially so this time of year. I guess I would feel a lot better if I was surrounded by a large happy bunch and it wasn't just me, DH and my mum at home for the holiday season. I am quite introverted and have a small circle of friends but of course everyone is busy with their families at this time, so while we do have a few lunches and days out planned, I will be spending most of my vacation at home.

I know I need to prioritise getting my license (failed my test in October) as that would help but how do I:

1. enjoy this particular Christmas? I have some shows lined up to watch, I'll still cook some nice things, I plan to read a lot, as well as do some painting which I've recently taken up. But it's a far cry from the days out and dinners and activities previously planned.
2. How do I expand my circle? I suppose having a child will help but where I live does not have the opportunities the UK does. There are few hobby groups, book clubs, Meetup isn't a thing. It just feels like if you don't have a large birth or in-law family or a huge friendship group from school, you can't expand your circle much as an adult.
3. Please tell me if anyone else is facing a Christmas they didn't anticipate. It helps to have perspective sometimes and I know this is very much a first world problem.
4. Any sciatica tips if you've had it and couldn't sit? Wishful thinking, but I thought I'd ask.

Thank you so much if you have read this far.

😭😭 Oh gosh, that's one of the nicest things someone has said to me lately. I'm so sorry you are in this position too. It is not something anyone can ever appreciate or prepare for unless they are here. I sincerely wish you a peaceful day next Wednesday, that passes as quickly as possible and with a minimum of pain.

We had a handheld massage machine thing and would use it on dh each evening. His was awful but it did go. Good luck!

We had a similar problem one year OP and simply cancelled Christmas.

We had our "Christmas" when we were all fit and well again in mid-January.

You have both had a difficult time. Christmas can be a pressured time for many as the expectations are to have a lovely cosy family time with lots of family and friends without the reality of that. For many years my christmasses were a struggle to fit all the family catchups in. Then both my parents died and the family circle got a lot smaller. Then I had a few years of health issues. Last christmas I had a major op a few days before xmas so I spent xmas at home on pain releif with no apetite or energy and I just wanted to not move and to sleep but I had a child to look after too. My brother and friends helped out and popped over. So this xmas I was hoping for a better one but now my son is going to his Dads for xmas eve to xmas day so I will be on my own for the first time ever in my life. At first I was a bit unsettled about this so I thought of lots of things I could do on my own. Ive had lots of invites to other folks but in the end I am just going to enjoy a chilled day - after years of rushing aroud and family dynamics I am looking forward to the peace. My perspective on life is to not fight against things unless it is really really important as this can be exhausting. When life gives you lemons make lemonade. So I would just look forward to a cosy time. Make some recipies, play games whatever you enjoy doing just do it. Particularly when recovering from illness. Some rest and relaxation. Enjoy. xx

This reminds me of during the pandemic when my Dad cancelled xmas due to covid fears. But he re-arranged it for during the summer. We had a bbq and water fun, and gave little xmas gifts and wore santa hats and pulled crackers. It was fun, memorable and different. Great memories !

Others have covered the sympathy and ‚could be worse’ aspect I wish you well and remind you to forget the perfect….life is made of imperfect times.

I just think of the Christmas my mum was terminally ill and the we all had food poisoning and remember how glad we were not to be stranded in London

See a physio. Then start some regular online Pilates classes,they will probably be similar to exercises physio gives you. You can both do them. Really helps physically.
Surrender to the time together. Get great food etc delivered. Read, watch TV,listen to music. Look at unusual/new recipes to plan meals. Stay in bed and read/watch tv.
spend time planning treats/trips for when you both feel better.
Hoping it all works out for you and you have an enjoyable time.

Christmas has nothing whatsoever to do with religion for most people. All the good things about it are completely independent of religion so it’s completely possible for it to be a very fun and exciting holiday with zero to do with baby Jesus.

Hey hey! You did not ruin Christmas yet! There's still so much to do. I had my own plans too this Christmas which went terribly unmanaged and I plan to just sit back and relax and introduce my little one to some new educational app that I just found something named as play pixo
Its cool I am telling you. The little one stays occupied and learns something new and I get some time off from parenting

I find what helped most with my sciatica was physio and doing it consistently . Not while you are having a flare up but when it's settled make that part of your daily routine . I dont think having a child expanded my circle of friends at all . Are there any groups on Facebook for your local area? There might be ideas on there . It's difficult to make friends as an adult. Are any of your work colleagues also friends?

It’s a case of lowering your expectations. Bad stuff can happen at any time of the year and expecting everything to be perfect and sparkly just because it’s Christmas is unrealistic.

I know this sounds a bit harsh but we are not in control the way we think we are. It’s an illusion. Seven years ago I spent Christmas (and several months either side) in Great Ormond Street with my son. Christmas didn’t matter that year. That said, I now treasure all the Christmases that we are not in hospital.

There can always be bas things around the corner at any time of year. But by the same token, good things can be round the corner too.

It might be a bit late now but you could become a befriender for age uk. Then you could keep someone company and they could keep you company if your circle is small. On the phone or in person.

Except the op lives on a carribbean island!

It's only a day that is overhyped ( unless you're religious) Just like Mothering Sunday I would prefer that family/friends saw us because they wanted to not because it was basically expected.

All of what you describe would have happened while you were on vacation. If you can rescind your leave, do it. His, too. If not stay home, enjoy, and be happy you are receiving medical care for major issues. Reschedule your vacation for anytime that is not around Christmas and make new memories. And if the sciatica is degenerative, look into the surgery. I have a ladder and it has changed my life.

Firstly, I am very sorry that you and your partner have had such bad luck lately. I'm afraid I can't offer you many tips on how to salvage Xmas, except to do something that you enjoy everyday (however small, like cook your favourite dinner or watch a film that makes you happy, get dressed up and drink champagne.. whatever) and know that this difficult period will pass.

I've had bad periods of sciatica which started after I had my second son. The pain was like a searing lightening bolt down my leg, and would usually last 3-4 days followed by being sore, I'd usually get it every other month or so. Sometimes it even felt like the pain came out the end of my heel. Nothing as bad as your poor dh though, I hope he improves soon and the scan is ok. I have managed to reduce the attacks dramatically in the last two years (after 19 years of suffering). Firstly with regular walks and cycling. Cycling is great because it holds the hips in a stable position, it's non-impact exercise and it strengthens the muscles that support the hip bones to keep them stable (make sure the saddle is the right height). Don't spend too long sitting, or standing, you must move about periodically all day. Don't cross your legs when sitting, or balance your weight on one leg while standing. Don't carry heavy bags on one side (or children!) Most importantly: do the exercises that the doctor gives you. Buy a yoga mat and do them every day, make it part of your routine and learn to love it. I seriously love doing 'dead bugs' now! If you sleep on your side, always put a pillow between you knees. Finally, if you're overweight lose some pounds. I did all of this and I only get an attack if I've been too ill and sedentary, and even then the attack has been mild, only gone down to my butt or knee and gone after a day.

Good luck.

Change your focus. Christmas can be celebrated when you are both fit and well enough to take the time off and enjoy it. You say you only have a small circle of friends and relations so tell them you’ll plan something in the New year when you both feel more like celebrating. I know it’s absolute pants to be struck by such bad luck but you didn’t plan this and you’re making yourself feel worse by stressing about it.

Take a deep breath, do what you can to enjoy the festive season but tell yourself it’s not the end of the world if it doesn’t happen the way you planned.

Sometimes these things happen and they shake us up but you can still enjoy the time off.

Why not find a church that you like, and enjoy the Christmas celebrations, carol singing, christingle service, etc. and you may make some new friends too,
Or a human/animal shelter and volunteer to help others?
wishing you peace and joy at Christmas xx

A tens machine can help - you can get a belt that you wear

https://www.boots.com/boots-tens-back-pain-belt-10165888?awaid=2041&utm_source=redbrain&utm_medium=shopping&utm_campaign=css&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiAjp-7BhBZEiwAmh9rBX9jlT7VRHQ8Hz-MW1G1QH_soNs_BAoLEFtGec_P_PvWUqgLH-eI0xoCUhsQAvD_BwE

Like this one, friend said it helped her sciatica