Christmas is ruined and I just want to cry. Please slap some sense into me!

[3OrangeCats]

I love Christmas and I enjoy all the hype leading up to the day and everything about the season. I've booked leave from Dec 19th - Jan 05th as has DH and planned our menu and vacation activities since October.

But life isn't cooperating with me.

In late Nov, I got terrible, food poisoning which threw my back out and triggered an excruciating sciatica flare where I couldn't walk. Thanks to a steroid shot and strong painkillers, I was on the mend and THEN I got the flu. Full-on chills , headache, fever, fatigue etc. THEN, the flu and sore throat triggered my asthma so I spent the next week having coughing fits and being unable to sleep.

Throughout my illnesses, DH has been very supportive and caring and has never once complained.

Finally last Saturday, I was feeling great, DH's work projects were finally wrapped up and it felt like Christmas could finally start....and THEN, DH's sciatica flared up. What are the chances?! He can't sit at all and driving is out of the question. He got morphine, an NSAID shot and a steroid but there's been little improvement. He's going for an MRI tomorrow but it's not looking likely that he will be able to do much for the next 2-3 weeks.

I am so sad to see him in so much pain but also because all our plans now have to be cancelled and I feel terrible even thinking that. I can't drive and even if I could, DH can't sit in the car to be driven anywhere. I don't live in the UK and public transport here is terrible so I'm pretty much stuck at home. My MH was already a bit low what with being sick for 2-3 weeks and now this. I know I sound whiny and am feeling sorry for myself but I just want somewhere to vent as I don't want DH to see me like this and feel bad. He is so kind and attentive when I am unwell and wouldn't care a bit about cancelling Christmas if the shoe was on the other foot.

To make matters worse, this is just exacerbating some other issues I have with this time of year. I'm an only child and my dad died when I was 14. DH and I don't have kids yet and he's not very close with his siblings so our circle can sometimes feel small and especially so this time of year. I guess I would feel a lot better if I was surrounded by a large happy bunch and it wasn't just me, DH and my mum at home for the holiday season. I am quite introverted and have a small circle of friends but of course everyone is busy with their families at this time, so while we do have a few lunches and days out planned, I will be spending most of my vacation at home.

I know I need to prioritise getting my license (failed my test in October) as that would help but how do I:

1. enjoy this particular Christmas? I have some shows lined up to watch, I'll still cook some nice things, I plan to read a lot, as well as do some painting which I've recently taken up. But it's a far cry from the days out and dinners and activities previously planned.
2. How do I expand my circle? I suppose having a child will help but where I live does not have the opportunities the UK does. There are few hobby groups, book clubs, Meetup isn't a thing. It just feels like if you don't have a large birth or in-law family or a huge friendship group from school, you can't expand your circle much as an adult.
3. Please tell me if anyone else is facing a Christmas they didn't anticipate. It helps to have perspective sometimes and I know this is very much a first world problem.
4. Any sciatica tips if you've had it and couldn't sit? Wishful thinking, but I thought I'd ask.

Thank you so much if you have read this far.

@3OrangeCats yeah, I live on a Caribbean island too. We actually spend less time outside than we did in the UK and literally never walk anywhere, it's impossible and I feel for you on this front. But you really must prioritise getting a driving license, maybe revise for it now you have lots of time on your hands as you can't let this happen again. I got mine within 3 weeks of moving here as I quickly realised life would be unbearable without driving.

@Tired88p85 Yep, I am in Trinidad. I love living in a beautiful sunny place but the heat, the crime, the lack of public transport - they can be very challenging.

I recently had an assessment with a psychologist and there's suspected autism (to be confirmed in the new year) which explains why despite being high-performing academically, I struggle to open up socially and also cannot seem to get over my mental block with driving. I did quite well in my driving classes but completely panicked on the day of the test. Anyway, as you said, now is a good time to at least set the dates for my new test and get things moving in that area again.

I appreciate the feedback, especially coming from someone who is familiar with the challenges of Caribbean life. 😊

@Tired88p85 that sucks, I'm sorry. We're actually looking at moving back to the UK next year as we have a baby and I have found it very claustrophobic being stuck in the house (baby was born at height of summer).

@Iloveyoubut 💐

Buy yourself the Nigel Slater "Christmas Chronicles."

It is an ode to winter rather than Christmas and all about dialing down, going slow, sweet moments, cozy at home (there is a lovely read along thread on Mumsnet). You can dip in and out of the book.

My advice would be: don't try to make this something it is not.

Work with what you have, not what you think it should be.

Make what you have truly lovely

By the way? Happy Christmas!

No offense but you sound very over dramatic and immature. Making a bigger deal of the situation. There is nothing terrible happening and I can’t see how Christmas is ‘ruined’. First world problems. Give your head a wobble.

If your husband is ok being left alone you could look at volunteering at activities for homeless/ elderly / lonely people if that kind of thing exists where you are.

I also like the idea of contrariness - doing all sorts of things you're not 'supposed' to be doing - DIY, maybe sales shopping etc.

Sorry to hear you've been through the mill, sounds like a rough few month. You might find that having a relaxing Christmas to recharge your batteries is actually just what you need and you'll feel a lot more energy come new year. I would reschedule all the plans for weekends in Jan and Feb to look forward to - this is a great way to start 2025 apart from anything else. I would also order some nice fairy lights to make your home festive and cosy, along with ingredients for cocktails for stay at home fun! (I also have terrible back pain periodically - getting drunk sometimes helps tbh!!)

You might also think about booking a meal out on NYE if your husband's back is up to it by then? This guarantees a bit of collective festive atmosphere which sounds like what you're craving atm.

In terms of meeting others in your new area, perhaps just pick one or two things you enjoy (choir, walks, volunteering whatever) and see what happens. From your post it sounded like you're planning to have kids in the future (sorry if I'm mistaken on this) which also invariably brings new connections and relationships so there's no mad rush to make it all happen at once.

Hope you and DH feel better in 2025 and enjoy a cosy and relaxing Christmas with him and your mum.

When my husband died 2 years ago me and the 2 adult kids said "f&ck to the world", watched crap on the tv and lots of films, ate what we wanted and is now a tradition we follow. I have no other family and my late husband's have disappeared.
Since then we have carers in for me(severe arthritis) and my disabled daughter first thing in the morning donned in Christmas jumpers on top of uniform. We both need help to get up in the mornings whilst my son does breakfast. Christmas is about celebrating among ourselves remembering my late husband (their father).
There are times when all plans fly out of the window.

It's hard when you build so much on one time of the year. However, it can work out to be very positive. One year I had endocarditis and another year shingles. In bed for 6 weeks and 10 weeks respectively. Christmas was quiet but it was so needed. Time to recuperate, take stock, relax and spend time with family without mad timescales and expense. Different may be what you both need without realising it yet

Christmas is what you make of it. You can do days out anytime, enjoy time with your husband. Things unfortunately don't always work out how they are planned.

I have a very small family. DH & 2 teen DDs. DH (not DDs DF) decided nine days ago he didn’t want to be married to me anymore. It took him seven years to figure that out … so just the three of us now. I’m sorry you can’t have the days out that you planned. But you have painting, cooking, reading, relaxing to look forward to. Ans it sounds like you have a great DH. Sometimes we really just need to count our blessings …

Try and remember that Christmas is just one day - you can do all the things you planned another time. I get it's disappointing but there are so many other things you can do, and so many other ways you can celebrate.

Get this for your sciatica it’s amazing it’s great for back and neck pain too!
www.amazon.co.uk/DIZA100-Technology-Washable-Electric-Relaxation/dp/B0C6LRXR7W?pd_rd_w=fzkkT&content-id=amzn1.sym.b6bc2a2c-1323-44d8-b8fb-8695e441afa9&pf_rd_p=b6bc2a2c-1323-44d8-b8fb-8695e441afa9&pf_rd_r=PNEFJATG067DEYJ6FA6Y&pd_rd_wg=5Gl9o&pd_rd_r=a05c56de-b8c8-4d92-be44-928013434cc1&pd_rd_i=B0C6LRXR7W&psc=1&ref_=pd_bap_m_grid_dv_rp_0_68_pr_pr1_t

So sorry to read this, you've had a shit time. If we're lucky enough to live a long life, I expect most of us at some point will have (or have already had) a shit Christmas, just because if you're around for enough years there's a good chance at least one of our Christmases will be marred by illnesses/bereavement or some other rubbish life event.
I'm sorry it's your turn. 😔

I don't have tips for sciatica per se, but just to say that it is a symptom rather than a condition in itself (at least as far as I understand it- but I'm not a medic). I had it when my hips were out of alignment after pregnancy and birth with a big baby; my husband had it as a result of a prolapsed disc. I guess once your DH knows the cause of his, it might be easier to treat (presumably the MRI is part of this).

I'm not a huge Christmas fan...it's a difficult time of year for me because of those loved ones that are missing. The bit I like the best is the dinner, but I suspect it's going to be rubbish this year due to some serious tooth and mouth issues I have at the moment which mean I can't chew and am currently living on soups. The chances of me being able to eat a roast next week are looking slimmer by the day 😩

But however things pan out, I hope you can enjoy your quiet Christmas more than you expect to, and that your DH is at least able to be comfortable.

Thank you that’s really very kind and same to you. I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone and I’m so sorry you’re going through it too, I don’t know you but I’ll be thinking of you. 💐

I do have sympathy for your situation and hope you feel better soon, but this all seems very dramatic with no kids involved to have their Christmas ruined. I think you need to scale back your expectations as to my mind Christmas is mainly for children.

I have had sciatica that started during a pregnancy and continued for awhile afterward. I also couldn't sit for any length of time. It's just terrible; I feel for your husband.

PP mentioned sleeping (on one's side) with a pillow between the knees; I did find this very helpful. Also stretches that arched my back (like the picture a pp posted). I went to a "back class" at the hospital that gave us several helpful exercises.

When I did go out, we often brought a lounge chair (the type for the beach that folds into thirds) and I would lie on it with my head slightly elevated; this was when we went to the homes of friends. 😄We also bought a kneeling chair, which positions you with your weight on your knees. I used that for a long time.

Best wishes for your husband's complete recovery! 🌹

I’m quite a bit older than you and one of the things I’ve learned is that Christmas will occasionally be a bit shit. Or at least, not what you’d hoped for, just because of life. Make the best of it this time, and fingers crossed for a better one next year.

We haven't done Christmas since my son died 8 years ago. I have been ill with various autoimmune conditions since then and in constant pain. Christmas is over rated these days IMO and seems to cause a lot of stress and expense.
You can just write this one off. As pp said, count your blessings, look forward to next year.

What a horrible time you have had, I hope your DH feels better soon - he might still improve by Christmas Day.
Most of us will have at least one really crappy Christmas because if things life throws at us. Try and enjoy a quiet Christmas this year and then put it behind you, next year will be better.
In the UK, your DH wouldn’t have been offered an MRI, or any treatment so quickly so that’s a positive…
So just take it as it comes, have a quiet day and eat nice food, watch your shows and hopefully your DH will be feeling a bit better in a few days.

Sorry to hear this sad story. Wishing you a peaceful Christmas

If it helps: Christmas 22, sitting down to a family meal with my ILs (I'd cooked) evening of 23rd and realised my throat suddenly felt germy. DH and I were starting chest infections. We popped to my mums on Christmas Day morning. I'd slept funny - so a sore back - and I have bad acid so I'm careful with beige picky foods. One of her party snacks had something in that set me off (I'd avoided fizz as I could see she was serving a brand that burns me and a few other things I know will repeat). So bone rattling cough vs worst acid I've had in years with a twitchy back. I was so done by the evening. We spent boxing day to NYD camped in our living room watching films as we could do no more. We ate the most basic meals from our freezer (the stuff you keep for speed or emergencies) or ate takeaway as neither of us felt like cooking a meal.

Christmas 23: DH brought home a rapid strain of covid from the work Christmas party he'd only attended under duress. He went down fast and hard. I actually didn't get it for days. I then got it in time to feel better but still be positive for Christmas Day. We were spending it by ourselves anyway but it felt lonely and I was upset to be ill 2 years in a row.

This year: my period is due and if it's on time it'll be heavy over Christmas Day. My last one saw me bed bound over the peak of it and telling DH I was in so much pain I wanted to die. Mine are also very messy at peak. We're going to be staying at my mums. Everything is decorated in tasteful shades of cream. I'm packing a travel towel to use as a puppy pad on myself and a huge sugar plum fairy type skirt in royal blue to add layers between me and the furnishings.

If I were you OP, fill your house with nice food, nice things like candles, pick films you all like and shut the door on the world. Just enjoy what you can do at home and view it as an opportunity to rest and recharge. Re-arrange meet ups with people for Jan & Feb when it's dark and we all need a boost anyway.

I'm saying this kindly OP. My Dad is on EOL and this will be his last Christmas. The diagnosis has been a shock and this Christmas is going to be a low key one centred around my parents. It won't be the Christmas we anticipated and exciting plans I'd made for our 1.5 yold son have been cancelled to prioritise time with Dad.
You've both had a tough time, just treasure this small-scale Christmas, rest and make some plans for the New Year. Perhaps try journalling to help reflect what is most important. And maybe consider volunteering, it's a good way to meet people and try new hobbies. Hope you have a lovely Christmas. Take care