Christmas is ruined and I just want to cry. Please slap some sense into me!

[3OrangeCats]

I love Christmas and I enjoy all the hype leading up to the day and everything about the season. I've booked leave from Dec 19th - Jan 05th as has DH and planned our menu and vacation activities since October.

But life isn't cooperating with me.

In late Nov, I got terrible, food poisoning which threw my back out and triggered an excruciating sciatica flare where I couldn't walk. Thanks to a steroid shot and strong painkillers, I was on the mend and THEN I got the flu. Full-on chills , headache, fever, fatigue etc. THEN, the flu and sore throat triggered my asthma so I spent the next week having coughing fits and being unable to sleep.

Throughout my illnesses, DH has been very supportive and caring and has never once complained.

Finally last Saturday, I was feeling great, DH's work projects were finally wrapped up and it felt like Christmas could finally start....and THEN, DH's sciatica flared up. What are the chances?! He can't sit at all and driving is out of the question. He got morphine, an NSAID shot and a steroid but there's been little improvement. He's going for an MRI tomorrow but it's not looking likely that he will be able to do much for the next 2-3 weeks.

I am so sad to see him in so much pain but also because all our plans now have to be cancelled and I feel terrible even thinking that. I can't drive and even if I could, DH can't sit in the car to be driven anywhere. I don't live in the UK and public transport here is terrible so I'm pretty much stuck at home. My MH was already a bit low what with being sick for 2-3 weeks and now this. I know I sound whiny and am feeling sorry for myself but I just want somewhere to vent as I don't want DH to see me like this and feel bad. He is so kind and attentive when I am unwell and wouldn't care a bit about cancelling Christmas if the shoe was on the other foot.

To make matters worse, this is just exacerbating some other issues I have with this time of year. I'm an only child and my dad died when I was 14. DH and I don't have kids yet and he's not very close with his siblings so our circle can sometimes feel small and especially so this time of year. I guess I would feel a lot better if I was surrounded by a large happy bunch and it wasn't just me, DH and my mum at home for the holiday season. I am quite introverted and have a small circle of friends but of course everyone is busy with their families at this time, so while we do have a few lunches and days out planned, I will be spending most of my vacation at home.

I know I need to prioritise getting my license (failed my test in October) as that would help but how do I:

1. enjoy this particular Christmas? I have some shows lined up to watch, I'll still cook some nice things, I plan to read a lot, as well as do some painting which I've recently taken up. But it's a far cry from the days out and dinners and activities previously planned.
2. How do I expand my circle? I suppose having a child will help but where I live does not have the opportunities the UK does. There are few hobby groups, book clubs, Meetup isn't a thing. It just feels like if you don't have a large birth or in-law family or a huge friendship group from school, you can't expand your circle much as an adult.
3. Please tell me if anyone else is facing a Christmas they didn't anticipate. It helps to have perspective sometimes and I know this is very much a first world problem.
4. Any sciatica tips if you've had it and couldn't sit? Wishful thinking, but I thought I'd ask.

Thank you so much if you have read this far.

To be frank I don’t really understand the issue. You don’t mention not being able to socialise because you’re looking after him day and night…but merely because he can’t be in a car/can’t drive you. Can’t you get a taxi or go for public transport? I don’t see why you can’t still socialise with friends even though neither of you can drive.

I would read up on pre Christian traditions - Winter Solstice, Saturnalia any traditional mid winter festival and do that this year. Celebrate the light coming back and a fresh new year. Sounds like you need the positivity after a poor end to the last one.

This is good for sciatica. Sciatica can be caused by a herniated disc, where the nucleus pushes through, pressing against the nerve. This stretch pushes the nucleus back where it’s meant to be. Please tell him to keep an eye out for Cauda Equina symptoms such as numbness in the saddle area, he needs to take that seriously and go to A&E straight away.

Christmas is not ruined, FFS. It's one day.... you can spend time with your husband and share a meal together. What more do you need, OP? Clearly, you don't really understand the word "ruined".

Send him for a session with a chiropractor and then one with an osteopath. I couldn’t walk without my husbands help, the sciatica was so painful and these two sessions totally cleared it up!!

Lean in to the quiet Christmas. I have always wanted big Christmases but actually we had a lovely ‘quiet’ Christmas at home during lockdown. Embrace the lazing around in comfy clothes, reading, binge watching on tv, eating whatever you fancy etc.

I thought we were going to be telling family about a new baby over Christmas. I found out yesterday I need to have a tfmr later this week, so our Christmas won’t be as planned either.

Oh OP it's hard huh.

DH and I booked back in October to go to the UK for a big family Christmas, our first in over 10 years.
DH has incurable cancer, and is on PD dialysis.
Due to a global shortage of the dialysis fluids he needs, and now not having enough time to book private haemodialysis we have just cancelled our trip.

Because we were supposed to be away, we haven't even decorated the house.

We were both devastated, stressed, pissed off at the position we are in because of his illness, and out of pocket.

But, we have now decided that we will try again for next year (fingers crossed he is still ok) and pull our socks up to get something together for just the two of us this year. We just remind ourselves and each other that there are others in a lot worse situations, we are together, and we are now making the most, looking forward to 12 days of pretty much living in PJs and enjoying the peace, and the huge food and wine haul we have 'consoled' ourselves with

I hope yours turns out better than you expect and that you have plenty of rest and joy

What a weirdly spiteful reply ....

Things to try to help with sciatica:
Sports or deep tissue massage
Ibuprofen gel
TENS machine (can find them on Amazon but happy to recommend one if you're unsure)
Hot water bottle or similar
Acupuncture
Stretching, think forward bends (can be just bringing knees to chest while lying down), gentle twists on the floor (knees bent, feet on floor and either together or a little bit apart, then take knees to one side, back to middle, then other side), and stretches specifically for the glutes, pigeon or making a figure 4 by resting one ankle on the knee of the other leg and bringing the legs towards your chest or folding forwards
Honestly the worst thing you can do is doing nothing!

Find an osteopath for both your husband and you to treat the back pain

Another weird reply...that's undoubtedly tragic but how does it help the OP who is feeling sad that her Christmas isn't what she'd hoped? It isn't a competition

anicecuppateaa Oh 😢so sorry for your news.

I'd focus on treating the sciatica- a good physio will give you exercises. You both sound fairly young and you want children in the future so make this a time to focus on your health and fitness.

My comment seems to have been deleted. Wow

She asked ( number 3 on her list) for people to give her stories of unexpected changes to the Christmas they thought they would have to get her to have some perspective.

It’s hounds as though you and your husband love each other. This is a precious gem. You should treasure it , many people don’t have that love. You have both gone through a tough time but it will get better and you will enjoy your Christmas and you can plan for some lovely things to do when you are both well.

You poor thing. I'd a few years of finding Christmas hard going after a family member died during that time.

Not every Christmas works out . Not every single one will be completely happy. Just cosy up, take the money you have saved on the days out and buy something that will make you cosier at home, whether that's a new armchair, cushions or just very expensive food!

Get out for a walk every morning to stop becoming lethargic and try and enjoy the quiet, movies, food and drinks.
Have you neighbours you could drop a Christmas card into?

@3OrangeCats Hi OP I really get you. We've had a long run of really bad Christmases for one reason or another and it's become something I am dubious around because of all the past hurts associated with it.

This year I was tentatively hopefully, had our first Christmas tree in years and really enjoyed putting it up. Then my mum went and had a bad accident. The journey through a&e involved going along the same route and passing the same ward I was in last year with my dad when he died. I even went for a wee in the same loo cubicle. And it's unravelled my head. Every time I close my eyes I see those wards and when that's not happening my mind replays the accident like a reel in my head. All our Christmas day plans are now undone and I'm nearly constantly in tears and just want to rip all the decorations down and hide in a bunker.

We'll be okay, her bones will mend and my mind will heal itself but fuck me the thought of having to battle through this fucking season again next year makes me want to vomit.

Sending ❤and 🍷 to you. I hope you have a better day than you currently fear.

Sorry about the gif OP. Don't know how it managed to attach itself and can't work out to get rid of it. I mean I'm sure your lovely but I'm not into public declarations of love towards strangers on the internet 🤣

There's not much you can do for sciatica apart from take whatever strength of painkillers you can find that relieve the pain without zonking you out too badly. I have a few tramadol tablets left over from a previous incident that I am keeping for emergencies. Also I find ketoprofen or dexketoprofen (cousins of ibuprofen) work well, but I have a stomach that can cope with taking anti-inflammatories for several days, which not everyone does.

Beware of claims of cures ("it went away after I did this"). Most back and nerve pain is self-limiting. People try 50 different things and assume that the last one they tried before it went away was what "fixed it", but it almost certainly wasn't. Hence why you will get lots and lots of suggestions, but very few people suggesting the same thing.

I have the same issue with sciatica and I am getting treatment from a chiropractor. He recommended stretches you can find on YouTube and ice.

Feeling rubbish and having to look after a child, or children is shit. For that fact alone I would be happy you don’t have to deal with it.

As for the other things you mention, you could expand your hobbies going to a club, joining a gym, or simply getting a dog. That can ease the loneliness you feel.

Sometimes life throws these curbballs at you and there is no other way forward than through them.

Good luck 🍀

I'm sorry to hear so many of you are going through a shite time 😞
I lost my best friend on the 1st of October, he'd usually be at my table for Christmas dinner and running round and playing Lego with my little ones
But I will still count my blessings this year
It's not what's under the tree that matters it's who's still here to be around it that really counts and spending time with loved ones

And thank god it was. The op is allowed to feel sad about something even though something dreadful has happened to other people.

And how dare you use someone else’s absolute tragedy to try and make someone feel shit on the internet. Utterly spiteful and shameless.

And you thought that was appropriate?

@3OrangeCats I am sending good vibes in the hope this h Ed lps your DH feel better soon x

Ref friends - we have online coffee chats, they're lovely and less pressured than meeting people face to face. Set one up via Facebook. Eventually you might meet up properly.

Have the best Christmas you can xxx