Christmas is ruined and I just want to cry. Please slap some sense into me!

[3OrangeCats]

I love Christmas and I enjoy all the hype leading up to the day and everything about the season. I've booked leave from Dec 19th - Jan 05th as has DH and planned our menu and vacation activities since October.

But life isn't cooperating with me.

In late Nov, I got terrible, food poisoning which threw my back out and triggered an excruciating sciatica flare where I couldn't walk. Thanks to a steroid shot and strong painkillers, I was on the mend and THEN I got the flu. Full-on chills , headache, fever, fatigue etc. THEN, the flu and sore throat triggered my asthma so I spent the next week having coughing fits and being unable to sleep.

Throughout my illnesses, DH has been very supportive and caring and has never once complained.

Finally last Saturday, I was feeling great, DH's work projects were finally wrapped up and it felt like Christmas could finally start....and THEN, DH's sciatica flared up. What are the chances?! He can't sit at all and driving is out of the question. He got morphine, an NSAID shot and a steroid but there's been little improvement. He's going for an MRI tomorrow but it's not looking likely that he will be able to do much for the next 2-3 weeks.

I am so sad to see him in so much pain but also because all our plans now have to be cancelled and I feel terrible even thinking that. I can't drive and even if I could, DH can't sit in the car to be driven anywhere. I don't live in the UK and public transport here is terrible so I'm pretty much stuck at home. My MH was already a bit low what with being sick for 2-3 weeks and now this. I know I sound whiny and am feeling sorry for myself but I just want somewhere to vent as I don't want DH to see me like this and feel bad. He is so kind and attentive when I am unwell and wouldn't care a bit about cancelling Christmas if the shoe was on the other foot.

To make matters worse, this is just exacerbating some other issues I have with this time of year. I'm an only child and my dad died when I was 14. DH and I don't have kids yet and he's not very close with his siblings so our circle can sometimes feel small and especially so this time of year. I guess I would feel a lot better if I was surrounded by a large happy bunch and it wasn't just me, DH and my mum at home for the holiday season. I am quite introverted and have a small circle of friends but of course everyone is busy with their families at this time, so while we do have a few lunches and days out planned, I will be spending most of my vacation at home.

I know I need to prioritise getting my license (failed my test in October) as that would help but how do I:

1. enjoy this particular Christmas? I have some shows lined up to watch, I'll still cook some nice things, I plan to read a lot, as well as do some painting which I've recently taken up. But it's a far cry from the days out and dinners and activities previously planned.
2. How do I expand my circle? I suppose having a child will help but where I live does not have the opportunities the UK does. There are few hobby groups, book clubs, Meetup isn't a thing. It just feels like if you don't have a large birth or in-law family or a huge friendship group from school, you can't expand your circle much as an adult.
3. Please tell me if anyone else is facing a Christmas they didn't anticipate. It helps to have perspective sometimes and I know this is very much a first world problem.
4. Any sciatica tips if you've had it and couldn't sit? Wishful thinking, but I thought I'd ask.

Thank you so much if you have read this far.

Oh love you've had a pile of bad luck. It's one year, not forever, and sounds like you and your partner have a lovely relationship of supporting each other. You are focusing too much on wha5 you don't have and not what you do. Try and enjoy this Christmas- play whatever Christmas music you love, laugh at silly TV and enjoy nice food and reach out to the people you do love. You have many years ahead with better health and others but try and embrace this year as best you can xxx

Hi OP. Thanks for your post. I'm a single mum and don't have anyone I can spend the Christmas period with and my daughter doesn't really get into all the traditional stuff. Plus it's nice to have adults around.

In your situation I would use each day to make some kind of new recipe for dinner which you've never tried before. Are you in your country of origin or are you British? Is it cold here you are? That would dictate what kind of traditional festive recipes I'd look up.

Maybe you can create some presents packages for children in need or lonely elderly people.

I'd also spend all day learning some new things for hobbies, and crafting. You can still do nice things at home and share them on a social media group, to feel togetherness. Is there local carol services close to you, which you can access? Maybe an online service as well. There might be some craft group zoom lessons also or any other hobby you have. I like to think of it as a time to chill out and catch up on things I don't make time for the rest of the year.

The Calm Christmas podcast by Beth Kempton is very inspiring for slowing down over the festive period. Will be good to have a lovely creative restful period, to boost your health for January when you can go out and do some nice trips or days out.

What I would say as a mother of two young children to someone who is planning on having children in the near future is enjoy the peace! Get loads of of sleep (I’m still annoyed with myself for not sleeping more) take long baths and long walks and read and eat great adult food in peace! I adore my children but Christmas is so noisy and constant (and amazing) and I wish I’d appreciated old Christmas holidays more

This past summer I took a week long holiday and did nothing but sit at home reading, watching tv, and doing hobbies. It was exactly what I needed from a mental health perspective. I have never been so refreshed after a holiday. I already have another one booked for next year.

your bodies are telling you that you are running yourself ragged. Embrace the time to relax and destress. Binge watch a comfort show while building a Lego set or doing a paint by numbers. You will be happier by the end.

Oh love what a shit run of it! HOWEVER!

Christmas is just a day. And it’s lovely to love it and enjoy it but it not being cinematic isn’t it being ruined. Think of it like this: what a lovely chance for you and DP to have a gorgeous romantic Christmas just the two of you before you start a family and have no choice but to traipse around everywhere seeing people.

Get a TENS machine for your DH to try. They are truly amazing and when I could barely walk one allowed me to (gingerly) carry on.
It might just be the thing that gives you both a bit of relief from the misery that is sciatica. (Be warned though that he will need to experiment with where to put the pads, but they should always be higher on the back than where the pain is. He might also need to shave where the patches need to go as otherwise he could well get a free wax when he pulls the pads off.)
That's not to say he shouldn't seek treatment though.
I hope it helps.

I hear you, I am in bed with pneumonia. Last day of work Friday the festivities were going to be immense this year

Last year of santy, headed off to a santy experience on Saturday by the time for there i was shivering, headache eyes hurt. Etc. Endured it barely.

Got into bed at 8pm on Saturday night and I am still here.

Cancelled Christmas lunch with dad and do his Christmas shopping and visit mams grave

Sister arriving on Tuesday with nephew i haven't meet yet. Plan was to introduce the dogs on beach tire them out and out to dinner with family and in laws

I am not going with husband children are going

Women's group, secret santa and a few beverages, missing that

Planned an afternoon on Friday going for lunch in a nearby city and looking at lights. It's traditional thing gone

BIL had a new baby yesterday, anyone baby i won't get see

We were a big winter solstice party in Saturday cancelled

There also coffee and dog rambles planned i was so excited for this year.. It was difficult one last year

No mince pies and gingerbread men and all the planning and excitement gone

All my sympathies OP. Sciatica is no fun at all.

I do somatic body exercises for trapped nerves and tense muscles and they have helped a lot.

I hope you have some nice food and can just relax and take it easy. If you like New Year’s classical music, the Berlin Philharmonic has an online portal and the concerts are really lovely. All speedy healing to your husband.

Physio for the sciatica - and do the exercises daily.

Get to a chiropractor. Pay whatever you can just get him in to see someone. He could have two or three sessions before Christmas itself. It might not be fully better by then but he might be able to move more easily.

I had severe sciatica which ended up with me having a twisted hip because I could only 'rest' in one position. Morphine was the only thing that got even near to touching the pain, yet the chiropractor fixed it!

From being helped into the clinic the first time in agony to bring able to get in myself on the third time. It's the only thing that helped.

Do it!

You could go overboard in terms of decorations, lights everywhere downstairs to make your house a winter wonderland, the most beautiful tree in the world, maybe go tacky with some outside things, reindeers, father christmas on the chimney... so that your time at home is looking at lots of pretty stuff and bright lights... this might make you and your dh feel worse not better though, depends on your taste!

In relation to cooking, Delia is full of recipes which need a lot of time, that might be an idea. Could you invite your neighbours over to try out your delights? Depends on your neighbours I guess!

Or trust in fate, that this time has been given to you so that you have time to meet new people!

I feel a bit the same. Really bad flu that took 3 weeks to recover from left me feeling meh. I'm behind at work, behind with present shopping, the house is a tip. Today I made myself take a day off work (I'm self-employed so I can but I have a lot to finish before Christmas.

I decorated the Christmas cake, DH and i bought a tree and I decorated that too, then put on some carols (and Bublé ) even though I wasn't in the mood, and prepped dinner before going out to hear DH's choir sing carols at a local festival. Bumped into friends, walked home looking at all the lights. I'm making myself feel Christmassy this year and it is starting to work.

It's horrid when lots of bad things happen at once.
But no Christmas is perfect - not for anyone. Try to find a way to accept things go wrong especially at Christmas and that you will have to slow down, adjust and enjoy a quiet but happy Christmas.
I hope dh feels better soon back pain is horrible:)

I would really recommend an osteopath for sciatica. They will treat the cause. Painkillers, however strong, aren’t usually very good at helping nerve pain.

So sorry , heartbreaking

Bowen technique is amazing for Sciatica. Has your DH tried it before? Failing that a really good chiropractor. Hope he gets it sorted in time for you to have some festive fun.

Having recently been able to walk again after 5 months of back problems and sciatica that turned into a numb foot that didn't work at all but the worst pain in my leg . I had to crawl up the stairs . Walking just around the house took ages as I couldn't lift my leg . It was awful .
In the end simple stretching exercises daily. Hot water bottles and painkillers worked.
The tricky thing is moving enough to help it but not doing to much that makes it worse.

Sending warm wishes - IME this can be a difficult time of year with lots of memories to contend with, a lot of time alone which can fuel rumination, illness and the pressure of feeling others are having a better time. I am saying this so you know you really are not alone. Me and DH have a super life but there are times Xmas can bring stuff up from the last that is hard. One suggestion: sometimes just a little fun thing can help. We once had to cancel all our Xmas plans at a day’s notice due to bad health. Instead of the long Xmas eve walk followed by restaurant lunch, I bought bacon - the only remotely treat type thing in the corner shop, and we had bacon sarnies which are a rare treat… that’s now a loved Xmas ritual. On the sciatica can he see an osteopath or médical masseur or a physiotherapist, in many countries you do not need a doctor to refer you. I’ve suffered and had great results this way.

Things like this have happened to us a lot over the last few years.

Our family all live far away in different locations and we live in a new area with no friends and I agree, it is hard going making any!

This year has been particularly tricky with illnesses and cancelled plans. I absolutely love Christmas and am so excited for it but I'm also balancing it with, if anything happens, I'm not going to be upset. We shall plough through and know brighter days always appear - and they are all the better for it when they do!

It sounds sappy but counting my blessings really works in the harder times as you know they will be there with bells on once you get through.

My sister suffered for years and in the end was cured during the 4th session with an osteopath - just in time to travel for her daughter’s wedding.
i read this recently Is it a mad idea but maybe worth a try?amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/article/2024/aug/08/i-have-sciatica-now-i-never-go-anywhere-without-a-small-hard-ball

I think people put 'WAY too much emphasis and hopes on Christmas. That's probably why there are so many suicides early in the year.

Why not try starting your own MeetUp group?

DH and I have been there except we continued with the pg and our second son died in our arms. Wholly irrelevant to the op’s circumstances and feelings.

@3OrangeCats it sucks but you have to make the best of it and enjoy what you have. For years I’ve had fantasies about having a side of smoked salmon and a bottle of champagne in bed on Christmas Day. This year dh and I are apart. Our mothers are 88 and very frail and at opposite ends of the country. It’s the way it has to be and won’t change while they are still alive. The DC are grown up. We were to have had our family Christmas dinner at the W/E but I have had a nasty chest infection and we had to cancel. I could have a weep but there’s no point.

Paint on the smile and best foot forward. Enjoy some lie ins, some good books and luxury food. Go shopping and watch TV.

Do you think this is in any way helpful?
It is very sad but it genuinely doesn't help.

Christmas doesn't have to be on December 25th. Enjoy the peace, get yourselves better and celebrate on another day. We've also been really poorly so are low key this year and doing more in January.

Definitely get dh to an osteopath or chiropractor as it'll help dislodge the trapped nerve.