People who say they need to decide nearer the time

[IncreasinglyMadWomanInTheAttic]

This happened twice this week. I have invited people over for lunch after Christmas (so not months in advance or anything) and they have told me that they aren’t yet sure what they’re doing that day/ would like to play it by ear. It is so rude. Not least because, having issued the invitation, I am now stuck until you make a decision and I can’t make other plans with my (limited) annual leave. If I’m not good enough for you to cash in a holiday day on, then fine - just decline the invitation- but it’s bloody rude to put me in a position where I’m now stuck holding the day for you, and you’re waiting to see whether you get a better offer. I absolutely see that people might be in a position whereby they are waiting to hear back from visiting family etc after Christmas - so in that case, either say so and chase up the missing bit of info and say you’ll revert asap (obviously perfectly normal and reasonable), or if that isn’t possible, then just decline the invitation, surely, so as not to inconvenience the person extending the invitation and leave them hanging on, with the implication that their time is less important than yours…? It’s just so ill-mannered!

I quite often say can we play it by ear.....because I have 2 young children who get ill and I also have a long term health condition which I manage but comes with fatigue.

Unless you know everything going on in their lives there could be a very good reason for wanting to say can we play it by ear.

Yadnbu I find this so rude also. They could of course reply

"That sounds lovely, unfortunately I can't commit now because of xyz. When do you need to know by?"
Or
"I'd love to but I'm still waiting to hear about my appointment for X. Would it be ok if I let you know by Thursday? No problem if that's too late"

They are just being rude. My sister and one of my not close anymore friends is like this. They then assume the invitation just hangs there till whenever they decide.

You need to find a way to respond that doesn't leave you feeling frustrated or upset. How about
"Ok no problem. When will you be able to let me know? If you're not free I'll need to make other plans"

Oh yeah, sod that. No way I would be holding a day for people who might let you down at the last minute. 'oh well, never mind, another time', and then think hard about whether you actually want to offer again. Some people just don't value anyone else's time

It simply means they’re hoping for a better offer.

I think it would be okay to say that you have limited time off and want to make sure you don’t waste the time, so if they aren’t able to confirm that day, let’s rearrange for another time in the new year.

This. I just say that doesn’t sound like it’s going to work, so let’s leave it for another time, if anyone says that to me. So rude.

Nailed it
It’s rude

If you have something else you want to do tell them.

Sorry Jane we will have to catch up another time, jerry and I are off out for lunch now. Can you join us? I'll have to let you know, nearer the time.

they need a effing smack you either can make plans or you are going to have to make do without.

It's very rude. If you accept an invitation then that is what you are doing that day. Otherwise you seem to be saying only if something better doesn't turn up. Obviously illness notwithstanding.

I think it's cheeky. I wouldn't keep the day free. In fact I would forget I asked them and not bother again.

I would add too, that it's such a brush off that I wouldn't bother inviting them again.

As they are just holding out for a better offer you can go ahead and make alternative plans. If they come back to you then you simply say you have now made other plans if you have.

I find myself doing this more recently as I'm trying to juggle lots of diaries and also people aren't getting back to me with dates as well.

However I do always say 'please go ahead without me and I'll join you if I can'

If I don't fancy it I just say 'I think I'll give it a miss as I'm really swamped and need to have a day in.' If they're good friends then they'll understand.

That's what I think. My partner does a voluntary role with a woman our age (60s) who lives alone and has no family. We asked if she'd like to come to us Xmas Day (it's just us) and she gave one of these responses.

That was several weeks ago and Xmas Day is a week away... Feckin' rude.

I think you need a good reply if people say this, something along the lines of no worries let’s wait until there’s a date you know you’ll be free. Or if any other posters could phrase it better.
I think it’s rude.

This. I have a slightly more flexible version. Say 'check your diary and let me know how a day or two' then give it 48 hours and if you've not heard, text and say 'guess you're not free on Boxing Day so let's arrange something for January - have a good Xmas!' And breathe.

I think it's even worse when you make plans with people who then cancel because they have something else on now.
Shouldn't they say no to the 2nd thing, as they have already made plans with you?!

YANBU, and it is fine to say "No worries, if you're not sure we'll meet up some other time - I don't want to risk wasting the day".

I agree. I cleaned the house from top to bottom and got a lot of nice stuff set up for someone once and then they didn't show up and didn't even contact us to say they wouldn't. We were just left standing there like idiots. Oddly, next time that person had a party, they were stood up by other people who were much more interesting than us, so I think it happens to everyone.

Have they said that they are "waiting for better offer" or have you just jumped to that conclusion? If waiting to know is inconvenient for you, by all means tell them politely, but assuming they are waiting for a better offer is rude on your part and probably suggests you don't care much about them. The reality is lots of people get poorly around Christmas, kids get ill, family sometimes expects people to fit plans around them etc. The reality is probably that they have things that they will HAVE to do at certain times, and can't move, so they can't make plans until those things are fitted in.

This.

IF waiting for a reply from someone else, they can ask if it is okay to let you know tomorrow as they are waiting on a reply from your dc / dp / Great Aunt Mildred.

However, I wouldn't be 'holding' the date for them without that time limit on when they can let you know.

You're not stuck until they make a decision though are you. Just make other plans, and when they say they want to come tell them that you're too busy.

Piss takers can only piss take if you let them.

My Dad used to do this all the time. I'd suggest going for a pint next week, and ask what day worked for him. He'd reply that he'd let me know next week (because he wanted to see if he got any better offers). I stopped being available when hed finally reply with "Are we still going out tonight?" and he eventually got the message.

OP, you don't need to keep yourself free in this situation. Say something like "ok, well let's play it by ear then. As you're not sure I may make other plans, let's see how it works out".

They are being rude but why hold the day. Arrange what you want to and either go back to them and say sorry you couldn’t make / confirm whatever now doing something else perhaps get together in the new year or wait and if they get in touch re times etc say so sorry when I hadn’t heard assumed it was a no and am now not around that day Don’t be a martyr to rudeness